Giving New Meaning to Parenting

26 responses so far ↓

• Emily // Feb 14, 2008 at 10:10 am

  Whining for more TV means no TV.

• karen // Feb 14, 2008 at 10:15 am

  My boys are seven and nine. If it is your chore to set the table for dinner and you do not do your chore, you do not eat dinner.

• Stu Mark // Feb 14, 2008 at 10:58 am

  First, I hear ya. Me, I bust shoes (a Jersey expression) about whining or crying to get what you want. I inject humor, but I don’t let it slide either. If there’s blood or bruising or hurt feelings, fine, but crying doesn’t apply to a glass of chocolate milk or whatever.

  Second, the lego thing. How about a lego jail instead? Just an opinion.

  Third, I used to keep a private jar (private between me and the child). In the jar I would put a piece of paper that had a note on it for every time they weren’t cool. So if they rolled their eyes at me when I asked them to empty the dryer after I washed the clothes, a note went into the jar. Then, the next time they asked me for something special, I’d pull out the jar and show it to them. Worked pretty well, without being aggressive.

• Heather // Feb 14, 2008 at 11:10 am

  I hear you! I’ve set up similar ultimatums, but I always cave.

  If I have to pick up the toys, they go away for a few days (sometimes weeks because I forget to give them back).

  If they fight over a toy, no one gets to play with it for a few days (or again, possibly weeks).

  If my kids are just fighting with each other in general…they can’t play together at all (which is torture for them for some reason).

  I like Stu’s jar idea…it might work with my 5 1/2 year old, but not for my 3 1/2 year old.

• Mizmell // Feb 14, 2008 at 11:13 am

  Kids need rules. And parents need to establish boundaries. Your list seems reasonable and provides each boy a little accountability and an opportunity for independence.

• Waiting Amy // Feb 14, 2008 at 11:51 am

  Ah, the butt wiping. I fear I inspired you on that one. But, alas, I’m caving already. I guess I’m really “weaning” the butt wiping. But he does seem to be making a little bit more of an effort. Perhaps I will give him a deadline?

• Beck // Feb 14, 2008 at 1:13 pm

  Butt wiping is each individual’s soul responsibility after three in this house. We need to get WAY more serious about whining, since right now we appear to have raised some Champion Whiners.

• AmyL // Feb 14, 2008 at 3:13 pm

  I’ve found that if they wait too long for bathroom assistance they tend to get sick of it and wipe themselves. [evil grin]. Love love love the list. I like the Lego jail thing too, just from a financial standpoint. Another alternative is for them to pay you for your time, or have an outside person come in and clean, then make the kids pay him/her for the time. I made mine pay for a tutor once when they wouldn’t cooperate on schoolwork. It. Was. Awesome.

• McSwain // Feb 14, 2008 at 5:43 pm

  Two very important things from my 8-yr-old’s list. #1–When finished eating, carry your own dishes to the kitchen, rinse, and stack. If you want to keep eating in my house.
  #2– When Mommy’s in the bathroom, you don’t come talk to her through the door. Unless the house is burning down or there are copious amounts of blood. At least he doesn’t try to stick his hand under the door any more.

• Stu Mark // Feb 14, 2008 at 6:05 pm

  AmyL, yeah, there’s the financial aspect of Lego jail, but also, I’m a big fan of “the punishment should fit the crime.” So Lego jail seems more appropriate a punishment for “I forgot to put away my legos and caused someone pain because they stepped on it with a bare foot.”

  And to Slouch, what a great conversation starter. A great list and a great concept. Thanks!

• Maddy // Feb 14, 2008 at 6:59 pm

  Hmmm indeed. In an effort to reduce the endless questions, I posted a weekly list of what was for supper, prominently on the fridge door.

  I learned a valuable lesson, that provision of advanced information in the form of a menu was inversely proportional to the pain of more whining fodder!
  Cheers

• edj // Feb 14, 2008 at 7:26 pm

  We are rich in this world; we have toys and games and books galore. Therefore, if you are bored, you must need more to do. Anyone who utters the word “bored” gets assigned an extra chore–and not just dishes or sweeping, but something a bit deeper.
  It actually worked, I must say.

• anna // Feb 14, 2008 at 10:26 pm

  I am STILL working on them not talking to me while I’m on the phone. Sigh.

• Megin Hatch // Feb 15, 2008 at 6:26 am

  I *love* you.
  One of our favorite saying that combats the color/flavor thing is: you get what you get and you don’t get upset. Forks and plates are not worth crying over. Orange Popsicles are as tasty as green. You may have it or not, but you may not whine about it.

  And more about whining- if X (enter activity of your choice) makes you whiny then no X.

  At 6,8, and 3 my kids need chores posted. No- responsibilities posted. We’re all responsible for running this house.

  Thanks for the inspiration. They will be better little people for having guidelines.

• All Adither // Feb 15, 2008 at 8:09 am

  These are good. It’s a luxury to know, from someone I suspect to be a great mom, what to expect. Thanks.

• Tootsie Farklepants // Feb 15, 2008 at 11:52 pm

  Fighting over a toy means no toy for anybody.

• jacobanddanielsmom // Feb 21, 2008 at 3:15 am

  My boys are 5 and 7. I absolutely do not tolerate disrespect. You call a name, you take something not belonging to you, giving me lip….its automatically a bad day for you. No toys, no games, no desserts, no TV, no going to friends houses….nothing fun. We have different consequences for other infractions. But that is my biggie. Our rules are posted and so is the consequences. Chores are posted and so are rewards for completing them. Everyone knows what is expected of them.

• JanB // Feb 21, 2008 at 3:23 pm

  Here’s mine. I don’t spank, but if they really tick me off, I get a garbage bag and start putting toys in it. Then I take the bag up into the attic. They have to earn the toys back and there’s no telling when I will feel like giving them back.

  If they leave out a book bag where I am going to bang my toe on 40 lbs of books (this for my teens) I will hide it. The dryer is my favorite hiding place.

• Melissa // Mar 6, 2008 at 7:14 am

  I instituted the Lego to trash rule a year ago, and have also applied it to any other similar toy such as K’nex, hotwheels, action figures, and so on. Results are good!

  JanB’s idea of taking the toys to the attic has worked in our home, and I have noticed an interesting side effect: the children forget the toys after a day or two. If they don’t ask for them to be returned with in a month, the entire bag goes into the trash, sight unseen.

  From this I have learned a valuable lesson about conspicuous consumption on the childhood level, and that they don’t really need or even want all those toys, after they’ve been purchased. They seem to have learned the concept of ‘retail therapy’ too young.

• Trudi // Mar 22, 2008 at 8:37 am

  Melissa – why not donate that forgotten bag of toys to kids who don’t have very much due to circumstances or to Goodwill? Just throwing out perfectly serviceable toys is a real shame!

• Tia // Dec 15, 2008 at 8:55 pm

  Don’t use hunger as a punishment.
  Sure it won’t kill them to miss one
  meal, but neither will hitting them.

  Basically the same thing, causing
  pain for punishment.

• lindsey // Mar 21, 2009 at 9:08 pm

  bravo. is it too early to implement this on a two year old?

• Poocha // Mar 26, 2009 at 10:28 am

  Shoes all over the house is a huge pet peeve. So, I started hiding the shoes and charging $1 (even my husband) to get them back. And I must say it has worked great for me (I did get a mani/pedi with the extra money)!

• December // Apr 1, 2009 at 4:41 pm

  My little boys are 7, 5 and almost 2. Not yet old enough to be free from poop duty. This made me laugh, thanks alot!

  I will be coming back! thumbs up.

• Tammy // Nov 19, 2009 at 6:06 am

  You go, Mom! Your list is very similar to mine, and my boys are seven, six, and nine months old (of course, the baby doesn’t quite get the list yet ).
  Many a toy has seen the bottom of our garbage can, but never the same type of toy twice. If you argue and come to blows over a toy, and there is no reconciliation to be found, into the garbage (or donation bag, depending on the value of the toy) it goes. If you stick it somewhere you know that it isn’t supposed to be, i.e. inside the floor vents, or purposely slid under the stove or fridge- it stays there until I decide to clean in/under those places. Which usually means during Spring cleaning. If it’s July, you are fresh outta luck.

  I’m not a short order cook either, so if you don’t like dinner, you don’t have to eat it. But, you won’t be eating again until breakfast- your call.

  I know longer wipe poop butts, and I also don’t need to hear “I’m going to do Number Two!”. At best, “I’m going to the bathroom” is all that I want to know.

  You can dress yourself. I’ll help with difficult snaps or stuck zippers, but you can pull a shirt over your head and stick your legs into leg holes just fine. We’re still working on the shoe-tying thing, but you can most definitely get socks on and your feet into the shoes.

  Whining pretty much gets you the direct opposite of what you are whining for. Until which time you realize that if you whine for the opposite of what you want in hopes of getting what you really *do* want, and then I will revise the rule.

• Tammy // Nov 19, 2009 at 6:26 am

  And just a response to Tia, regarding a child skipping a meal. For us, it’s about the child making a choice. It’s not a punishment, it’s discipline- there’s a difference.
  If it were a punishment, and I wanted them to suffer pain, I’d say, “you whined about dinner? No food for a week!”. But, I don’t, so I don’t. I want them to learn to be thankful and content.

  As the breadwinner in our family, my hubby works hard all day earning money to provide food for our family. As the homemaker in our family, I work hard all day keeping the house in order and taking that food and turning it into a delicious, nutritious meal. As the adults-in-training in our family, my children need to learn to appreciate all of that, so that they will one day do a good job providing for and taking care of, their own families.

  If my husband decided that he didn’t like his job, and quit, it would be painful for five of us. If I decided to whine about the housework and cooking, and walked out, it would be painful for my kids and my marriage.

  So, saying, “here’s dinner, enjoy” and hearing a nasal response of “whaaaat? I don’t really like chicken!” is not okay. Crossing one’s arms and huffing back in one’s chair and saying “I’m not going to eat that!” is not okay. I will not make you a grilled cheese sandwich instead. You have the choice of picking up your fork and eating, all the while enjoying the company of your family, or you may leave the table and experience harmless, temporary hunger pangs for the two hours before you fall asleep.

  We have this rule, and it works. Children do not do hunger strikes. They will eat when they are hungry. But what children definitely will do, is manipulate. If you are willing to make a peanut butter sandwich or a bowl of cereal every time they don’t want your casserole, then you are effectively training them to whine (I’m using “you” in general). But, if you say that you can “whine and not eat, or eat with a smile”, you are training them to be contented, thankful adults.

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