My four-year-old son M asked this question yesterday. Like many of his friends, he’s into superheroes, and when they get together they pretend to shoot bad guys. M has probably seen fewer bad guys than most of his friends because his television-watching is closely monitored and discussed. But he has seen good guys catching bad guys, and bad guys finding ways to hurt good guys, so he’s aware that these roles exist.
We adopted M and his sister K from Russia 18 months ago. We get squeamish when we hear them discuss “bad guys” because it is possible, as it is for a lot of adopted kids, that their birthparents committed crimes. Think about it: How many of us, if impoverished, would steal food for our children? Work without a permit? Camp out illegally in an abandoned building? We’d do whatever we could to take care of our children, and some of it might be illegal. We don’t know much about M and K’s birthparents, but if we find out they broke the law, we don’t want M and K to condemn them out of hand because they’ve been raised to believe that a person who commits a crime is by definition “bad.”
I answered M, “Bad guys aren’t bad people, but they do bad things. Most of the time, they do them because they’re sad or angry and they don’t know how to talk about it.” I cited examples when he himself misbehaved because he didn’t know how to tell us he was feeling sad. I also said that some people don’t know their behavior is bad; and I cited the example of a child we know whose parents’ marriage is in trouble, who hears her parents yelling at each other, and has therefore recently started yelling at everybody.
M’s response was, “I didn’t thought of that.” (He’s still working on his past tenses.)
I found this question easy to answer, but there’s a related question we haven’t been asked yet that we dread. Until recently, Russians were always the bad guys in movies, popular literature, and even some cartoons. One day, we expect our kids to ask, “Why are so many bad guys Russian?”
6 responses so far ↓
Stu Mark // Jul 8, 2008 at 6:01 am
First, I think it’s great that you separate the person from the deed - a wonderful lesson for kids (and adults) - Second, this brings up the question of dealing with the institutional racism that appears in the media - Why are so many Bad Guys African-Americans or Mexican-Americans? I was so glad that school addressed that one before I did, especially as my kids are Mexican.
AmyL // Jul 8, 2008 at 6:30 am
I would lay the groundwork on that one by teaching them the meaning of the word stereotype. It’s fairly easy to teach that in little doses here and there, introducing the word and using it casually when you are able in conversation (with them or around them). Anytime you see an example of one, call the kids’ attention to that. Even at their age, they’re capable of learning the word and a rudimentary meaning for it, which you flesh out over time with use. Then when the dreaded question arrives….and it will….you’ve got a foundation upon which to build your answer. Younger kids like simpler answers anyways, so if they understand the word you can probably use it in a very brief explanation and throw in historical references and analysis when they’re older.
Debbie // Jul 8, 2008 at 9:36 am
Stu–I’m glad your kids and their classmates have had the issue addressed. Has it helped any with your kids’ understanding of who they are? And, if your whole family is not Mexican, might you write a piece sometime on what it’s like to be in a family where there’s more than one culture (or color or language, if applicable)?
Debbie // Jul 8, 2008 at 9:36 am
AmyL–I like your approach. We will try it. Thank you.
Stu Mark // Jul 8, 2008 at 10:04 am
Debbie,
Really good idea on that post topic - I never thought of it, because it’s not an issue in our house - we have such diversity, and we live in such a diverse neighborhood that it’s just normal. But that’s what the post will focus on. Good call.
Some Stuff To Read | Be A Good Dad // Jul 9, 2008 at 9:52 am
[…] Here is an interesting post about badness and teaching kids what that really means. […]
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