Some children (whether when they are kids or adults) who have siblings wonder who’s the favorite. It’s natural, normal, and pretty common.
Obviously, for you multi-kid parents, there is no favorite child. You love each of them the same amount: to the moon and back. But kids are kids and they have a deep connection to the concept of favorite. They know Mommy has a favorite sport, they know Daddy has a favorite snack, etc. They get favorite and it doesn’t take long before they wonder about who Mommy’s favorite child is. So you have to address it as early as possible.
If you haven’t already, have the talk with each sibling, privately, at a time when they are most comfortable (bedtime works good, but each kid is different). Confront it head-on, don’t ease into it. Remember, kids can handle bluntness (as long as it’s done with love), as they see it as a sign of respect. Ask them if they’ve ever thought about it, and then immediately reassure them that neither/none of them are the “favorite” and that each sibling is wonderful, both as an individual and as a group. That’s not to say that you should say “You’re all my favorites,” or “I have no favorite child,” because that smells like horse-hockey to them. Instead, explain to them that there are certain groups of things that are impossible to pick a favorite out of, as they are all so fantastic. Pick a group of things that they love (ice-cream flavors, stuffed animals, whatever), that you know they couldn’t pick a true favorite out of, because at least two of the group are so awesome to them. Use that as a springboard towards, “You are both/all so awesome in your own ways, how could I possibly choose a favorite?”
Some siblings don’t have the issue, but some do, and you’d hate to have missed the early opportunity to reassure them.
[tags]teen toddler siblings brother sister parent favorite son daughter worries, stress, parenting [/tags]
Photo courtesy of LemonKiss via flickr, used under a Creative Commons License.
7 responses so far ↓
Amy // Dec 12, 2006 at 2:53 am
I’m the perceived favorite in my family, but I think my sister was always the one favored when we were growing up.
It never ceases to be an issue!
This is a great way to handle this age-old problem.
Linda Freedman // Dec 12, 2006 at 10:24 am
Very nice post on a terrific topic. We can try to remain fair and we can try to show them that we love them all equally, if not the same, but at the end of the day kids think “jealous.”
I tell them I love the one I’m with (an old Stephen Stills song) and that works at a certain age. It always makes them think.
Mr. Fabulous // Dec 13, 2006 at 12:14 am
It’s kind of like how I am your favorite blogger, right?
Stu Mark // Dec 13, 2006 at 12:39 am
Amy,
Thanks for the compliment. I hope it works.
As for your sister and you, you may want to take her to dinner and have an open discussion about it, because maybe you can talk your way past the issue.
Good luck!
Stu Mark // Dec 13, 2006 at 12:40 am
Linda,
What a wonderful thing to say. I’m a big CSNY fan, and I get the Love The One You’re With reference. I never thought of it in the context of my kids, but I love that idea!
Thanks!!
Stu Mark // Dec 13, 2006 at 12:41 am
Mr. Fabulous,
When I’m on your site, you’re my favorite blogger!
Annie // Dec 13, 2006 at 2:55 pm
Yup, when we were growing up I thought my mom favored the middle sister, Dee. And Dee thought Mom favored me, the oldest sister. And Jen, the youngest, thought she was the odd wheel. It didn’t help when Mom pitted us against each other, the “why don’t you be more like your sister??????” (Uh—WHICH ONE???)
It’s only been within the past 10 years that we’ve been able to see eye to eye.
I;m kinda hypersensitive to this kinda thing, but I find myself treating my autistic son a little differently from my daughter.
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