My son is sixteen, and, as such, he’s not exactly emotionally dedicated to carrying his share of the load, at least not when it comes to the work load that a home requires.
Sorry, what I mean to say is that he has one chore, taking care of the household garbage, and he constantly has to be reminded about it.
Just the other day, I needed to remind him about the garbage. I approached him in a calm voice, let him know that he was obligated to complete this chore, and that if he didn’t want to do it, he could choose another chore. His response was to huff and puff and perform a very angry taking-out-the-garbage dance, complete with knocking over every pail in the house.
I watched for a bit, hoping he’d snap out of it, but after the fourth pail was abused, I’d had enough. I then laid down the law. Didn’t want to, no question, but fair is fair. If he gets food, clothes, shelter, electricity, television, soccer gear (and fees), a bike, a computer, a host of other odds and ends, well, it’s fair that when I ask him to do this one chore, that he do it with some sense of obligation.
Now, I’m not sure if my laying down the law put the fix on his head, one can only hope. But it got me thinking about an article I read in the Philadelphia Bulletin which focused on the idea of parental control. To summarize, a child psychologist was interviewed, whereupon she suggested that there was a power struggle among modern families, and that over-nurturing was to blame.
I tend to agree with this concept - while it’s a good idea to focus on your childrens’ happiness, it can’t’ be a good thing to have their happiness be the ultimate goal. While I work as hard as I can to treat my kids with respect, it has to be a two-way street - maybe not all the time, but there’s only so much door-slamming and screaming and back-talking and petulance that is appropriate.
So now that I’m sitting here trying to avoid the guilt of having been stern with my son, please talk to me - How is your relationship with your kids? Who’s in charge? Do you let your kids run the house, passively setting the rules, or do you demand strict obedience. Or, are you somewhere in between, and if so, where?
by Stu Mark
10 responses so far ↓
Nan // Jun 23, 2008 at 6:04 am
Stu. Are you serious? He takes out the garbage? My six-year-old, Max, is in charge of vacuuming the car. He gets help sometimes, but it is his job. He also does a great job of washing the dishes, carrying the compost out, sorting toys, feeding the cats and setting the table. He is thrilled to bits with his jobs… Usually. The bigger boys vacuum in the house, clean the bathroom, help with yard work and gardening, etc, etc, etc.
I think your young man needs more chores. Nurturing is great, when you have a baby, but I think that small children need to understand that work goes on. Life goes on. Too many families pander to their kids every whim, and “can’t get anything done” because they are “entertaining the baby”. Babies are entertained just by watching you wash the dishes! By the time they are one, they LONG to wash the dishes! Too many kids are left with shiny toys, alone, or with some smiling entertainer, while the business of living goes on elsewhere.
I am ranting here, trying to make my point… Hmmm… If I were you, I would look online for a degree course or something, or a job? I don’t know, and then announce to your big kids that you will be unable to baby them any more come September. Use the Summer to teach them how to do laundry, cook simple meals, clean the toilet, etc, and then in September, leave them in the lurch. Things may look bad for a month or so, but once they have gone to bed hungry and arrived at school in smelly clothes once or twice, they will begin to understand their OWN VALUE to themselves and their family. They will whine and complain about the change in status quo, but you must show no pity. Smile happily and say how glad you are that after so many years of taking care of them, it has paid off so well with smart, self-sufficient young people. They do not owe it to you, you owe it to THEM to prove how much they are worth.
But that’s just me. I tremble at the thought of my three boys becoming teenagers and expecting me to cook and clean up after them constantly while they loaf about and play. I would have to check myself in to an asylum for Deranged Mothers!!!
Carl // Jun 23, 2008 at 8:55 am
Nan, I think your idea is great! It’s not just kids - we all take advantage of whatever we can. Our kids take as much advantage of us as we let them.
My kids do trash, dishes, set the table, pick up sticks in advance of lawn-mowing, etc. This not a master/servant relationship in either direction. Whenever I get flak from them about their role and how it interferes with their play time, my answer is always the same. “I do things for you because I love you and I enjoy contributing to the family. These are the things that you do to contribute to our family and show that you love us.”
Our generation grew up with a sense of entitlement. We’ve passed a stronger sense of entitlement onto our children. It’s interesting to me that we US-ians are amazed by the work ethic of immigrants. They know that they have to work to earn their keep and survive. How is this such a novel concept to us - why isn’t that obvious? How can I get my kids to have that same ethic?
Nan // Jun 23, 2008 at 9:03 am
I say to the boys: “I love the way we all get the work done around here. That way, I have extra time for making cookies, telling stories and doing fun stuff with you! And I have time for me too.”
Chris // Jun 23, 2008 at 10:03 am
Well, I totally agree with Nan–the boy needs more chores. And not just because “it’s fair” — if he’s sixteen and all he can manage is taking out the garbage, how is he going to manage in a couple more years when he’s living on his own? Or will he still be living at home, kicking around garbage in 10 or 15 years? Seriously, it’s one of our jobs as parents to teach our kids how to run a household…and that means more than they just watch us do all the work. They must learn by doing!
A typical 16-year-old is be perfectly capable of washing his own clothes, planning and preparing one meal a week for the family, helping out with keeping the house clean (like having an assigned area of the house to clean in rotation with others or on a steady basis). If he refuses to help around the house, I’d say that computer, TV, and whatever other privileges he has be suspended. Nan’s suggestion of giving him a summer to learn how to do things is an excellent one, but I don’t think you have to have the excuse of “you have to learn this because I’m going to be too busy to do it in the fall.” You should just explain that these are skills he must hone before he “graduates” from home.
Also I would try to get out of the mindset that he should feel obligated to you because you provide for him. That just seems like a recipe for resentment for both of you. You provide because you love your son. He chips in because he’s a member of the household and, for his lifelong well being, he needs to learn to do these things for himself.
jon // Jun 23, 2008 at 8:33 pm
Hmm.
I grew up in the suburbs. At 16, I didn’t know how to do laundry. I did the wastebaskets. I helped with other projects around the house or as my dad did stuff. Nancy grew up on a farm. At 16 she was milking, baling hay, mowing, and other farm activities. Our 21-year old did the trash. Did the dishwasher sometimes. Our 17 year old does the dishwasher, is learning laundry, doesn’t do her room without significant pressure.
On the other hand, the 21 year old is working two jobs this summer and starting an internship at the local newspaper in a couple weeks. The 17 year old is involved in drama, choir, church, and national honor society. They have learned and are still in the process of learning responsibility and respect.
What none of us did is ask Stu what else is going on, who gets to set the guidelines for the kids, whether there are any outdoor chores possible, how many homes the kids are growing up in, what else the kids are doing, at what point is there growth, or anything else.
Suggestions? wonderful. “have you tried this?” “What about that?” “Here’s what I found worked well in our situation, for our kids.” But valuing the individual situations that individual parents face? Just as wonderful.
But maybe I’m ranting about ranting.
Thimbelle // Jun 23, 2008 at 11:42 pm
Twinks (now 14 and 1/2 years old) must help with laundry, load/unload the dishwasher, help prepare meals, keep her room and the bathroom she uses clean and tidy, and help with yardwork. She also must pick up around the house after herself - she has to dock her laptop, pick up and put away her shoes, and clean up after any art projects, etc.
If she fails to perform any of her duties, we start by talking. If talking doesn’t work instantly, the first thing to go is her “allowance” for that week. Next thing is, she is grounded from all electronics for the rest of the week. From there, things can get REALLY “Amish” really fast. She has been grounded more than once - and she knows that we don’t mess around, either - one warning is it.
Twinks knows that she has to learn to do these things - that just like she is learning to drive a car, and balance a checkbook, and care for her pets - she has to learn to care for herself and her (future) home.
During the school year, however, we DO change her chore list, and her schedule. School *is* her number one job, so all homework must be done first, and she must be ready for any upcoming tests; all projects must be completed and/or on schedule.
As far as “allowance” goes, we give Twinks one dollar per school grade year, so after she was promoted from eighth grade to ninth grade this month, her allowance went from $8 per week to $9 per week. She must save a mandatory 15% of ALL of her income - that goes straight to savings, no matter what. That includes birthday money from relatives, found money, awards, etc. Once a year, she is allowed to withdraw up to $100 to spend on what ever she wants.
She also has to “earn” her first car with sweat equity - by helping Daddy in the garage when he works on the cars, and by washing the cars in the summer. She also has to learn about the car - how to change the oil, change a flat, and she must be able to identify all of the major components under the hood.
As draconian as all that sounds… it’s still a *much* easier life for her than mine was at that age…
Lisa D. // Jun 24, 2008 at 7:05 am
I don’t have a teenager- but I watched my parents coddle my teenage brothers as I was growing up. Trust me when I say it was a mistake to not expect anything from him. Rather than appreciate the fact that he was given food, shelter, clothing, a car, and a cleaning service without being required to even have a weekly chore, he grew up disgruntled and with an unhealthy sense of entitlement. He’s now thousands of dollars in debt and consistently expects people to bail him out. When they don’t–he thinks that they don’t want him to be happy and are against him. Not only should you NOT feel guilty about requiring respect and for your son to take part in the home maintenance, you should really do even more. Does he do his own laundry? Help with the cooking and cleaning–at least of his own rooms and meals?? If not, he’s going to be in for a rude, rude awakening when he goes off to college or moves out for the first time.
Chris // Jun 24, 2008 at 7:15 am
Thimbelle, I really like your methods! Especially what you’re doing with money management.
Stu Mark // Jun 24, 2008 at 7:36 am
Folks,
First, fantastic comments - I sincerely appreciate your individual perspectives.
Second, if any clarification is needed, my son is a parenting dream: He is respectful 98% of the time, he helps me when I ask, regardless of the task, he helps out around the house in a variety of ways - he goes grocery shopping with me when I ask, he always brings the bags in from the truck, he does his own laundry (completely), he cooks for himself when it is needed, he prunes the dead fronds from the incredibly high branches of the cabbage tree in the backyard, he helps me carry heavy things, etc.
I didn’t mean to imply that my problem was that he was being uncool about going from no chores to one chore. My essay meant to address the concept of politeness and respect. I’ll speak to that more precisely in my column for next week.
Again, you folks really are awesome and I’m glad to see such lengthy comments - It’s cool that y’all feel comfortable in this environment.
Thimbelle // Jun 24, 2008 at 2:48 pm
First of all, - thanks Chris for the feedback. Much of what The Wrench and I do (parenting-wise) is just an extension of how we were raise.
Stu - I was LOL at your comment just above… I have to say, I kept hoping that N hadn’t suddenly turned into a Teenage Monster!
But I think we all have (or will) wrestle with the occasional round of door-slamming and/or “who left YOU in charge” that seems to inevitably accompany the teen-age years.
It certainly has sparked an interesting discussion, hasn’t it?
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