For those of you who have kids in daycare (or, maybe this applies to those of you with kids in school, too), I’d like to know something: what’s your relationship like with the other parents?
The other parents in Max’s home daycare all seem like very nice people. But with the exception of one mom (a family friend who recommended the nanny in the first place), I don’t know any of their names. And now, a year-and-a-half into my being around, I feel foolish asking.
But if I don’t know their names, you can correctly assume that I don’t know anything about them, and that in all this time, I’ve never exchanged more than greetings and polite pleasantries with any of them. I suppose that when we started at this home daycare I should have introduced myself as I met each one, but the truth is, I was too shy to do it. That seems silly even to me, but I was. I had no clue how to approach them, what to say, how to not sound like a breathless, over-eager schoolgirl. Also, I didn’t know the protocol - was I supposed to ask any questions?; how much about ourselves should I say?; what was supposed to develop between us because our kids are cared for by the same lady?
So I settled into a routine of pleasant greetings and small talk, and by the time the first birthday parties started to roll around, I realized I was in QUITE a pickle. How could we attend parties for kids whose parents’ names - much less anything else - we didn’t know? I skipped a couple of birthday parties out of embarrassment, but there were cases where we really could not attend, and by the daycare holiday party last year, it was beyond reasonable for me to think I could develop any kind of relationship with these parents (whom I have since learned have developed relationships among each other). As time has passed, this is one of those things that has grown from a minor thing to a relatively big deal to me. And not the least of this big deal is the fact that as a parent who’s all about conscious parenting and being vigilant, it’s unacceptable for me to not know a thing about the parents whose kids are in constant, daily interaction with my own. It’s a big failure on my part.
And here’s where I stand now: we’re throwing Max a birthday party in a little over a week, and while we have invited all the daycare kids, I really am curious if any of them will come. I mean, just as I don’t know these parents, they don’t know us. Perhaps we have come off as standoffish and indifferent. They themselves have made no effort to reach out to us, so perhaps they feel just as embarrassed about attending our son’s party as I did about their kids’ parties. And if any of them do attend, what then? How do I even greet them?
The thing that I must factor into all this is our shared culture. We are all Cuban-Americans (at least one parent of each child), and within our community, there are all kinds of unspoken rules about, well, everything, but in this case, about how parents in this situation are expected to interact. It’s normal for us to know information about each other: our jobs, where we live, what friends and relatives we might have in common, etc. There’s almost no such thing as being too nosy, and if you have been, someone will say so behind your back and it will get back to you, and then you know to step back a bit. The thing is, besides being a private person (quite a paradox when you’re a blogger, but true nonetheless), I am just not one to initiate conversations - much less relationships - even when I want to, and I know that makes me appear aloof.
So, what can I do from hereon out? What are the politics of daycare? By the time Max starts school, I want to be better prepared to handle this part of the process. I won’t have a problem approaching and engaging teachers and administrators, but parents are a whole other thing for me. And yet, they are too crucial a part of my son’s widening social circle for me to let my shyness and awkwardness prevent me from engaging them, too.
[tags]kids, children, parents, birthday, culture, Cuba, Cuban Americans, celebration, celebrating, enjoyment, learning, society[tags]
Photo graciously provided by foreversouls, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved
9 responses so far ↓
Chris // Sep 5, 2007 at 1:18 pm
I often with a joke about how we all know one another’s kids’ names, but not the grownups names. I used to organize a playgroup, that had new people joining all the time, and it was a running joke that we learned the names of the children in the playgroup before we learned the names of the parents. I think this is a fairly common phenomenon and not something you should feel embarrassed about. In fact, it’s probably safe to assume that if you’re feeling uncomfortable, some of the other parents are too.
I too am an introvert, tried and true, and have found this whole parenting thing a real challenge with regard to finding socializing opportunities for my outgoing daughter. Honestly, I use her as something of a shield and have learned a few tricks (well, they’re probably things that extroverts learn early in life that I’m just figuring out at 40). Parents love talking about their kids…if you’re feeling uncomfortable around one, compliment or ask a question about their child. Just be honest and see the humor in the situation…”It’s so funny we know each others kids, but not each other. So, what is it you do while Danny’s in daycare?”
Another thing I have finally figured out is that it’s best for me to focus on establishing a few strong connections than many shallow ones. My daughter spends a lot of time with just a couple friends, whose parents I have come to know and trust. It makes for small birthday parties, but really, is life about having the biggest party? The majority of the population is extroverted and as an introvert, I find it hard not to measure myself against the expectations of extroverts. I’m learning to except myself as I am, yet push myself a little bit for the sake of my kids. Sometimes I just pretend I’m more extroverted than I really feel–and I’m amazed that it actually works. Sometimes it does not–I had to leave a friend’s birthday party just last weekend because I only knew the hosting family and my husband–my buffer in such situations–wasn’t there. The situation became overwhelming for me and I left, with my daughter screaming and me crying in the car, feeling horribly inadequate and antisocial.
A book that I have found very useful is The Introvert Advantage–it’s helped me understand myself and the extroverts around me a little better.
Della // Sep 5, 2007 at 1:20 pm
My daughter has been in the same preschool/afterschool care place for 3 years, and I still don’t know a lot of the parents names! I’ve never had anyone get offended when I’ve laughingly said “I’m so sorry! I only know you as Max’s Mom, what is your name!?” Most of them have the same reaction, and admit to only knowing me as “Kaia’s Mom”. If you treat it like it’s silly, they usually will too!
Shevvi // Sep 5, 2007 at 1:57 pm
Ask the person who runs the daycare what the parents names are. This is common that parents know the kids names and not the parent names. Start with the parent names of the kids your child mentions the most or that you see during drop off and pick up.
Miss // Sep 5, 2007 at 4:00 pm
I feel you girl!!! My son is going on his second year at his school and has been invited to the b-day parties and I always feel so stupid for not knowing any of the mom’s names. They all know each other and it seems as if they are BFF and then there is stupid me, not knowing or talking to anyone. Its frustrating but its my own fault for not being more friendly!
Wacky Mommy // Sep 5, 2007 at 4:19 pm
Ditto to all that. I just apologize and tell people that I’m really bad with names, and just OK with faces! They’re pretty forgiving.
Sue // Sep 5, 2007 at 5:28 pm
When I returned to work, Nick was 8 months and I too left him in the care of a nanny at her home. At the time, I believe she had 5 kids in her care. From the moment I saw each of these parents, I dissected them- from the car they drove to the fact that one of them didn’t paint her nails, ever. May seem silly, but children are essentially extensions of their parents and these were now the kids that Nick would be chilling with. I did introduce myself to the other parents but only because I would arrive very early and sit there with Nick for about an hour and would watch them all arrive and go.
I can tell you that at the parties I have attended, while I’ve been sitting in a corner alone like a birthday party outcast, I watched the best thing ever- Nick having a blast and beaming a huge smile. For the ones I missed because of prior obligations, Nick scolded me after hearing about the fun times. You may feel a bit awkward now Tere but the invitations are for Max. These are his ‘friends.’ I guess these are those ’sacrifices’ we’re supposed to make. That being said, at his new school ( a term I use relatively as he has been there since January), I don’t know any parents but it’s a completely different situation. Showing up at 9 am, I’m always the last one to drop of their offspring and coincidentally the first pick-up as well, so I never see anyone. Actually, I do know one parent, Marilyn. It’s funny though, I know her name ONLY because she showed up at Nick’s birthday party.
Tere // Sep 7, 2007 at 7:36 am
There’s been so much great advice here - thanks to all. I’m definitely trying to make an effort to handle this more maturely. I DO have Max’s nanny to turn to for questions, it’s just my embarrassment I have to get over.
But I’m SO glad I’m not the only one!
Megin Hatch // Sep 7, 2007 at 11:51 am
Tere- You are so not the only one. I get embarrassed too. Matter of fact at the end of the school year lat year I suggested to one of the mom’s that we exchange #s so that the boys could get together. I wrote down my name and number, as did she, and we swapped. Now I get being bad with names, because I rarely remember my kid’s names, but we looked down at the papers after we swapped them and laughed. We are both Megin’s.
Claudia // Sep 12, 2007 at 11:41 am
I don’t know any of the parent’s names at Christian’s day care either. My husband drops him off and my mom picks him up, so I guess I never will. Ha ha. Because I never even see them, the thought of inviting them to Christian’s birthday party never even crossed my mind!
Leave a Comment