Siblings.
Sometimes a delight, a joy, a real pleasure. Sometimes it’s World War III.
What to do when it gets bad, when your kids at each other’s throats?
My view: Every one in a while, let ‘em thrash it out for themselves. Don’t rescue them. It might seem like it’s turning into Lord Of The Flies, and blood may end up spilling on the good carpet. But it’s better for them in the long run.
Yes, no one likes to spend their afternoon getting blood out of the good carpet, but that’s the price you pay for teaching your children how to work it out themselves.
Obviously this isn’t a method for every day, but once in a while, how bad could it be?
Take our house for example. My wife and I were in Santa Barbara and had a 100-mile journey between us and home. And there’s no way we’d be able to get home in time to meet the kids after school. We thought about rushing home, avoiding the cops, and keeping the pedal to the metal, but what was to be gained? Our kids are 12 and 15. All they had to do was feed themselves. How bad could it have gotten if we left them to their own devices. And that is exactly what we did.
We called them, told them Mommy’s meeting ran long, and that they’d have to figure out dinner on their own.
They didn’t blink. Just said, ok, and that was it.
When we got home, they were still in one piece, and, much to our surprise and delight, had teamed up to figure out dinner - mortal enemies coming together under a flag of truce. It was astonishing.
And yet not compltly surprising. We rescue them as little as is necessary. It’s painful on everyone’s part, parents and kids alike. But these are growing pains and they come with the territory. And it pays off in the end, as their self-confidence keeps them on track, especially when the chips are down.
So I close with this summary: Trust your kids, let them try on their own, and don’t get hung up on success or failure. Show them you trust them, and love them no matter how things work out.
As always, let me know your results.
by Stu Mark
[tags]kids, children, parents, parenting, problems, rescuing, self-reliance, respect, trust, relax, success, failure, growth[/tags]
Photo graciously provided by Kevin Steele, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved
2 responses so far ↓
nan // Nov 5, 2007 at 5:46 pm
I have a magic recipe: look them in the eyes, and smile, and say, “you guys are so good at working these things out. Let me know what you come up with!” then walk off, humming carelessly. USUALLY, they remove their hands from around each others throats and come up with a great solution. Then I try to make yummy smoothies or something, because we are all such a fun family! Other times, I put them outside where the blood won’t get on anything valuable.
Stu Mark // Nov 5, 2007 at 6:41 pm
nan - That’s a great technique, to praise and then walk away. That must inspire confidence in your kids. I try to praise when I can, but in these specific circumstances, I need to be more vigilant in my lauding. Thanks for the inspiration!
Leave a Comment