On Monday, Stu offered some smart advice to parents of injured children. Among other things, Stu says you need to “Keep your powder dry. You can freak out later, when you’re alone. But in front of your child, be that pillar of strength that they need.” He’s right.
Last week, my son had a severe allergic reaction. I wrote the whole experience out here. At several different moments throughout the ordeal I was called on to swallow my panic. To keep my powder dry. It was not easy. I wanted to scream at the doctor: What the blankity blank is wrong with my kid? Why is this happening? Make it stop NOW!
But I didn’t. It would not have been soothing or calming for Clay to watch me blow a nutty in the office. I settled for a look over my boy’s head as I cradled him in my lap. Man, that look was LOUD! But it still didn’t get my questions answered. Screaming at the doctor would have been equally ineffective, so for Clay’s sake, and the kind doctor’s sake, I am glad I refrained.
I can say that I was a good mom throughout the 5 day ordeal with Clay. I took a million deep breathes to get through. I neglected all household duties. We ate take-out and my kids watched too much tv. For the most part, I held my boy. I talked with his doctor and brought him to the doctor. I went and got him things I thought he might be able to eat. I fed him Gatorade by the teaspoon through a syringe to fight dehydration. I told him stories and read him books. I tried to make him laugh. I gave him oatmeal baths. I held him.
I know that the quality of the above photo is poor. I snapped it of him as he was thrashing on my lap. It hurt to watch him writhing and hollering as his body reacted to some unknown element. It hurts a bit for me to look at that photo. Hives can migrate from one part of the body to another. At times Clay’s face would have deep red swollen hives all over it, a few minutes later they would just be at his hair line, while his torso would be completely covered. I don’t mean that they were only on one part of his body at a time, just that the most concentrated places would migrate. There were moments, throughout this ordeal, where it was difficult to locate even a small spot on his skin that wasn’t red. So I held him and rocked him and stroked his hair and his back and tried anything I could think of to comfort him. Cleaning the bathroom or doing the dishes was not comforting to him.
My point is this: sometimes you need to change your perspective in order to be a good parent. Despite the fact, no, because of the fact that I neglected the house, bought take-out and let my kids watch too much tv, I was able to be the mom that Clay needed. Most times being a good mom means that I am providing an “enriching” experience for my kids. That they are learning or doing or laughing. That’s when I usually feel like a good mom. When the house is in order and we’re engaged in an activity, I am being a good mom. I am not pretending that this is easy or happens as often as it should, but until now many of my good mom moments were defined by these feelings. Last week was very different.
That was then, this is now:
We don’t know what caused the reaction. Allergy to a food, a bug, a chemical or perhaps a virus. We are so relieved that he is back to his smiling self. This reaction, this relief, is predictable. It’s exactly what you might have expected.
I am surprised that I also feel more than a little bit hung-over from the experience. This happens to me quite often, although I’ve really just come to see it now. After any emotional event, it takes me time to get my feet back under myself. I feel tired and weepy and grumpy. Daily tasks fall to the wayside as I struggle to regain my footing. I am forgetful and neglectful of my friendships. I never cross anything off my lists and I feel badly about who I am. I hate this about myself. I’ve recognized it now, and I hope that this recognition will help put an end to it. I hope.
Is this backlash, this hangover, common? Has this happened to you? Am I a freak?
[tags] hives, allergic reaction, sick kid, good mom, parenting, soothing pain[/tags]
7 responses so far ↓
shizzknits // Jul 11, 2007 at 9:19 am
I think the backlash is our way of recovering from all the emotions and stress.
And I’m glad your little one is feeling ever so much better. Nothing is more terrible than a sick child.
Slouching Mom // Jul 11, 2007 at 9:47 am
Man oh man, Meg, that sounds really rough. I am so, so glad he’s better.
And I know exactly what you mean about that hungover feeling.
SJ // Jul 11, 2007 at 10:14 am
That’s so hard - I completely understand/relate -
Last summer, my (then one year old) son woke up around eleven pm crying - I went in his room and gave him his blanket and put him down without really looking at him. He started crying again.
My husband went in and did the same thing.
After that, he was still crying and so I went back in, thinking maybe he had a dirty diaper. I turned on the light and picked him up and when I put him down on the changing table I realized that only one of his eyes was open. I looked closer, thinking maybe he had pink-eye or somthing like that but realized that his eye was swollen shut! In fact his whole face, including his lips, were swollen - I immediately called my husband in over the monitor and rushed to get the benadryl while my husband called 911.
The paramedics arrived in minutes and checked him out - thankfully his breathing was okay but given the severe swelling of his face we were transported by ambulance to the hospital. We spent several hours in the hospital under observation and the swelling started to go down. The next day he developed a high fever that didn’t respond to ibuprofen and tylenol, and we went back to the hospital, where they checked him out again and gave him IV antibiotics.
In the end we saw an allergist who confirmed that it was probably a virus (due to the fever) - it recurred again later that summer but after a few more days of benadryl it went away.
Definitely the scariest parenting moment ever - and I have always regretted not turning the light on the first time I went into his room.
Lori // Jul 11, 2007 at 11:25 am
hi megan. so glad your son is better. and soon you will be too. anytime we care for others so deeply that our own emotions are swept to the side we have to then take time for ourselves, to feel, to integrate all that happened, deal with our vulnerablities and form a new reality. be patient with yourself. look at your son’s smile. do something terrific for yourself for getting you all through successfully!!!!! BRAVO for YOU!!!
Megin Hatch // Jul 11, 2007 at 12:55 pm
Thanks everybody! It is wonderful that he is back to normal.
It’s nice to know this aftermath is typical- or at least not uncommon. It’s hard to deal with though. I feel like I’ve run out of gas.
Lori- I totally welled up when I read your comment.
SJ: that sounds awful. And with such a little guy. My son is 5. I do hope that this was something viral (although Clay never had a fever- the hives were just hot to the touch). I am struggling with whether to bring him to an allergist now or not. I don’t want to put him through the testing (which isn’t always accurate).
Garen // Jul 18, 2007 at 8:19 am
Oh, Meggy! The trials of parenthood; I am usually the one who freaks out!!! Lately it’s been better, I’ve tried to appreciate the fact that our children NEED us to be CALM! I tend to hold onto them when they are hurt, hoping that my hugs will make them better, but know that sometimes it take s a whole lot more.
I know the whole “hangover thing” that you are feeling. For me it’s usually well after they are feeling better and the whole dram of the trama leaves me feeling ssad… how could I have let this happen, why couldn’t I have done something about it, reacted better, whatever. I think it’s normal— but not right. We try our best to make our children safe and healthy and happy! That’s all we can do. Know that you are a loving mom and that you are amazing for the care you give your children. sometimes parenthood brings us these challenges, I guess we just need to rise aove them and prove to our children and ourselves that we are TOUGHER than the sickness/allergy/hurt.
Keep your chin up!!!
Taylor // Sep 3, 2007 at 2:49 pm
I am so glad I found this post. We are going throught the exact same thing right now. In fact I just finished 6 hours of cleaning to see if something in the house is causing a reaction. Much like you my daughter has had hives come and go on different parts of the body for the last 4 days. I spoke with her doctor and he said it was most likely a virus and it could take a few weeks to end… I can’t wait that long. It doesn’t seem to bother her, but I hate to see her like this. I need to take your advice and be the pillar of strength. I find that hard to do most of the time. I try so hard to protect her from things that it is devastating to see something like this happen. My husband doesn’t get why I can’t just sit back and wait it out. I am in the process of trying that appraoch out… it’s really not that easy.
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