As my two kids get older, I find myself with reduced stress. The kids are growing into fine adults. They are helpful, they are considerate, they are, best of all, more able to meet their own needs! They no longer ask for a glass of water or for me to carry them or any of the innumerable tasks that come with pre-teens. Heck, I am now blessed with two children who actually do their own laundry.
However, life is not perfect, and I have an emotional need that does not get met as often as I’d like. That need is for me to feel respected. I’m not saying that it’s everyone’s need, but for me, feeling that someone actually respects me is pretty paramount. It’s not a deal-breaker, but if I’m not feeling respected, it makes it awfully hard to summon the energy to help someone out.
Now, my wife is great about this - even if she’s had a hard day at work, if I ask her to put the towels away or empty the dishwasher, she smiles and says, “Sure!” This always makes me feel great. But the kids, well, not so much. Sometimes they’re cool about it, and sometimes they give me one of two negative responses - both non-verbally. I either get the vibe of “Isn’t that *your* job?” or “You’re mean!”
One vibe makes me feel like I’m staff, the other makes me feel like I’m a pain in the ass. I don’t think either is actually true, but sometimes that’s how they react. And I gotta tell you, it feels pretty awful. Sure, I get it, they’re teenagers, but am I wrong for wanting respect? I’m not asking for them to treat me like I gave them a present, but I do want civility and respect during these moments. Am I nuts? Are my expectations out of whack with any potential reality? Or is it a good thing to raise this issue with them, to ask my kids to not roll their eyes at me when I ask for a little help around the house? ‘Cause I gotta say, I’m this close to putting down my mop and taking a nice long four-year vacation.
by Stu Mark
5 responses so far ↓
Cheryl in Sacramento // Jun 30, 2008 at 9:41 am
It is definitely important to teach your kids to respect you. Sitting them down to talk about how “rolling eyes” and “quiet hostility” effects you and how that looks to others might help…a little. Teens are not rational so a calm discussion may or may not get the message across.
Michelle (The Beartwinsmom) // Jun 30, 2008 at 6:06 pm
Oh my gosh.. this goes PERFECTLY with the book I’m reading right now: “Love and Respect”. It is excellent so far. It’s for marriages, but I can see exactly why men need respect and women need love.
Debbie // Jun 30, 2008 at 6:06 pm
My kids are much younger than yours–4 and 5–so I can still do a lot of excluding an impolite child and praising a polite one. (E.g. “I’ll be happy to have you back at the table when you’re ready to be polite.” “I’m so proud of you for asking to help!”) I’m toying with the idea of doubling a task if I get attitude from a child, e.g: “Too bad, K–. It looks like you need to do a little more work so you can understand how important it is to help.” However, I hesitate for three reasons.
First, if the task is getting done, even with attitude, then I feel the child *is* showing respect.
Second, if the flak I’m getting is only body language–not words or violence or running away from home–then I figure I can let them have the self-expression of an eye-roll. I sometimes even side with them: “Yeah, I want to play outside now too instead of cleaning up. Let’s do it together so we can get outside faster.” It helps tremendously.
Third, since my kids treat me with great respect 99% of the time, I don’t sweat it when they mess up. I figure–again, perhaps since they’re little–that some other process is preventing them from showing it. In other words, I monitor my own need for that last 1% and make sure I feel secure enough to do without it if I must.
Thimbelle // Jun 30, 2008 at 11:53 pm
The “Terrible Teens” are tough - the hormones are surging, they want to be grownup one moment, and a kid the next, and they have snot-nosed little friends telling them that “you don’t have to take that cr*p from them”…
Is it any wonder that they get cranky?
I think that - just like us adults - sometimes our teens can take things/people/priveleges for granted. And sometimes, as the Parental Units in Charge, we have to *remind* them…
How you do it is likely a direct reflection on the kind of relationship you have with your kids. How they accept it is another.
Every now and again, we talk openly and frankly with Twinks about attitude and/or respectful behavior. (We also tend to talk a lot about the connection with/between responsibilty and authority.) The thing we have noticed (remember, this is my kid we are talking about - not your two, who may be quite different. Tax & Title are extra. Your Mileage May Vary) is that if we allow the physical manifestations of frustration or disrespect, not only does it impact on the entire household’s mood, but it seems to make it easier for the person expressing the dissatisfaction to fall into a habit of always being “grumpy”.
Does that make sense? Sort of like the whole “fake it till you make it” thing - there are no eye rolls, huge sighs, or slamming doors allowed becuase it shows disrespect to the entire household.
I’m not saying that we don’t allow Twinks to voice her dissatisfaction or unhappiness, but rather that we try to stop right away to talk about any “issues” before they become a Big Deal.
Stu Mark // Jul 1, 2008 at 6:28 am
Thimbelle,
Yeah, you totally get it - and I have that same concern, about attitude vs. authority (will their first speeding ticket result in a doubling of the fine because they were rude to the police officer?) - As for me vs. the kids, I do everything in my power to smile when they are snotty, and to give them a chance to say it again. Sometimes, if they are especially rude to me, I’ll smile and say, “I think you meant to say ‘Sure, I’d be happy to pitch in’ instead of ‘Why do *I* have to do it?!?’” - A lot of the time, that seems to help. And my kids are oddly Stepford teenagers, barely a rudeness comes from them. But it does happen, and, to me, it really stings - especially from my 12 year-old, who is *way* nicer to her teachers than to me. However, we’ve had a few conversations about it, and she’s learning to accept the fact that we’re just not rich enough to have servants to brush her teeth for her or breathe for her, that she has to do it on her own.
Whenever I talk to someone who has a teenager or two, and I mention that I have two teenagers, they give me that look, that greek-tragedy look, and it helps. And, thank G-d, I have great kids and this is becoming an even rarer issue.
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