I battle a significant disease, one that runs in my family. It isn’t cancer, although that lurks in my gene pool, as well. I face a more insidious enemy, at least for the moment.
I have clinical depression. I’ve fought it for years and looking back on my life I can see where it attacked me well before I understood why I was weeping, sleeping all day and wearing black day in and day out. Long story short, in 1998 I sought help for a particularly severe bout of these symptoms and emerged from the skimish armed with my new weapon - anti-depressants.
Over the years I’ve been on and off these psychotropic drugs, mostly during times of high stress. I lost all my hair to alopecia areata in 2003 - back on the pills. I watched my father die from cancer after a long, hard fight that ended bloodily - back on the pills. I found myself drowning in my own perceived incompetence after The Poo was born - back on the pills.
Right now I feel good. And I want to go off the pills, if for no other reason than we are hoping to try for another child sooner rather than later.
So I stopped taking them after Thanksgiving.
I feel OK so far, but I am on guard against the demons that plague me when I am at my worst. The impatience. The inappropriate rage. The inability to focus and complete one task. These are aspects of my personality I jokingly referred to as my “artistic temperament” in the past. But now they are traits that can destroy my marriage and my child.
But what can I do? If I want to have another baby I need to purge my body of these chemicals. By doing that, I take the risk that the precious girl who already lives and breathes may have a mommy who cannot control her emotions.
What would you do? Because this I know for sure - if the ugly Amy makes a return engagement, I will go back on the pills. And that makes a family of just three.
[tags] depression, anti-depressants, depression and pregnancy, parenting, mothering[/tags]
Photo by Maximiliano Corredor via Flickr.
13 responses so far ↓
Binkytown // Dec 12, 2006 at 7:30 pm
It’s such a personal decision, but my OB assured me that many many many women take AD’s during pregnancy and while nursing and that Zoloft has been around forever and has never been proven to show any lasting effects.
My best friend has taken it through two pregnancies and her kids seem to be fine.
Having said that, I would prefer not to be on them when pregnant, but if I were crazy enough and wanted a baby badly enough, I probably would take them - At the lowest possible dose I could get away with to keep me on an even keel. I don’t think there is anything reckless about that. If you had high blood pressure, no one would expect you to stop taking your meds for that.
Tater and Tot // Dec 12, 2006 at 10:18 pm
I agree with Binkytown. Go to your OB and talk to them about your options. There may be ways to wean yourself to just a lower dose, or there may be a safer drug that you can take. I don’t think that anti-depressants and pregnancy/nursing are an all or nothing situation.
Stu Mark // Dec 12, 2006 at 11:04 pm
First, what a brave move to make this public. Good for you. My mom is a mental health professional since 1980 or so, so I have some idea of what some people go through in deciding whether to inform others about their illness.
Second, I am not a professional. I have an opinion, which is Baby’s health first, everything else second. Also, talk to your current mental health professional, as well as get at least two more opinions. This is a tricky area. It’s possible that you’ll be cool without the meds. If you see yourself slipping, then maybe there are organic alternatives to keep you steady enough to get you through to the completion of the weaning.
Good luck with it all.
Annie // Dec 13, 2006 at 3:03 pm
My OB put my on Zoloft for post-partum depression after my son was born, and I was on them while I was pregnant with my daughter.
Given my druthers, I’d prefer to be off them. I tried weaning myself off them once and found out why (for me) it isn’t a good idea.
Check with your OB; Stu had a good idea with homeopathic alternatives.
MarillaAnne // Dec 13, 2006 at 4:19 pm
I took Zoloft many moons ago … I went off once cold-turkey and once I eased down. It was much easier on me and everyone when I slowly lowered the dosages — which sometimes involved a lower dosage pill and sometimes involved spreading out the length of time between dosages.
You’ve gotten some great advice … this is def something to involve your doc on. I was also told Zoloft has a proven track record during pregnancies.
Also, you’ll probably get hints from the people around you as to how well you are doing. The hard part is listening to them. Be sure your husband has room to tell you things aren’t going well … without fear of … you know … decapitation.
keep us posted.
see the joy
in your day
have fun
pam
Stu Mark // Dec 13, 2006 at 5:07 pm
Annie,
Thanks for the compliment.
I’ve been on Prozac before, and found that I was glad to be weaned from it (’cause it gave me vertigo and insomnia), but that was my personal experience. I understand that, for you, it wasn’t a good idea, just as initially it wasn’t a good idea for me (after I was off the Prozac, I became a bastard again. (I ended up discovering that I don’t suffer from Depression, I suffer from Agitation, which means different meds for me - Valium.)
Finding the right balance of therapy, medicine, and mental exercise to get you to happiness is an individual struggle. I first commend you for taking responsibility for it, for owning it, and I also commend you for talking about it publicly. The more we all talk about mental health the way we would talk about a broken leg, the more it will be accepted by the rest of society.
MarillaAnne // Dec 13, 2006 at 5:14 pm
Yes! What Stu said! All of it! oh and btw i forgot to say … i reserve the right to back on meds. Because there are times when the fight to hold it all together shouldn’t take all of my time and energy.
Stu Mark // Dec 13, 2006 at 5:18 pm
To further comment on what MarillaAnne said, I have a wife, and we have an arrangement. Lie to me over silly questions, like “Do I look fat to you?” and be brutally honest with me over serious questions, like “Am I having a manic episode?”
It’s hard sometimes, but the more we concentrate on the “best friends” part of our relationship, the far better we are for each other’s mental health. My wife is brilliant at this. She is loyal, earnest, and, as the Velvet Underground sing, my mirror. Having a mirror is incredibly helpful.
Lastly, here’s a link to a Career Mom Radio post that is initially advice about kids, but I find it works with humans of any age: The Kid Isn’t The Problem, The Problem Is The Problem
Leslie // Dec 14, 2006 at 4:58 am
I took citalopram throughout my pregnancy and while breastfeeding. I felt more comfortable with what I perceived to be the low risk of the baby being affected by the antidepressants than I was with the known quantity of me being depressed during the pregnancy or during the postpartum period. (I had been on the citalopram for years.)
Of course, the risks aren’t the same for everyone. In my case, the meds made me a better mom than I would have been without them.
Amy // Dec 16, 2006 at 4:57 am
Wow, you all are so great for being so open and sharing your experiences with me.
Stu, thank you for the compliment. But I’m not sure bravery is the word to describe my openess. I’m just so afraid that someone I love will be hurt by me when I am in the throes of this thing that I need to be open. Know what I mean? I need others to check me.
So far I feel pretty good. The holidays might be bumpy. But I can take heart from all the kindness here.
Thank you. Really.
Stu Mark // Dec 17, 2006 at 11:05 pm
Amy, I hear you… But this isn’t, “Hey, I fell in the pool and I can’t swim” kind of a thing. Any type of mental issue is still a lot less socially acceptable. So I don’t mean to take away from your description of your openness, just pointing out to others that I thought it showed some courage.
Glad you feel good, enjoy it as it happens, like a cool breeze on a hot day. My Mom taught me that.
Shannon // Dec 18, 2006 at 7:26 am
First, kudos to you for your openness. I’m sure it will benefit someone else, and what a great gift that is.
The decision has to be yours. Only you can weigh the costs and benefits from your personal perspective. Only you can decide the sources and amount of information you are comfortable with. I’m sure you will make the right decision for you.
ijoy // Jan 23, 2007 at 6:54 pm
I battled depression for many years. Today I am drug free and pretty much symptom free.
I found a few things that really helped turn it wround for me.
1. I read Clear Body Clear Mind by Ron Hubbard
2. I took the advice of John Travolta and started eating dense proteins every morning no matter what.
3. I use an essential oil called Quiescent that helps balance my brain chemistry beautifully.
Hope this helps,
ijoy
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