I’ve been thinking about this one for a while, tossing it around in my head, hoping to figure out how to explain it. Normally, I try to simplify. This time, let’s assume we all got through the 8th grade. See, in my head, this next concept is crucial for raising children that inspire pride - Validation:
Teach your kids to validate other people’s feelings. Teach them how to validate someone else’s pain or misery. Especially if they are accused as the responsible party for said pain or misery. - For example, Child A accuses Child B of bumping into her. Normally, Child B would immediately deny said bump, and a massive argument surely would follow, as would crying and wailing and gnashing of teeth.
Instead, at our house, we urge Validation - regardless of the perceived culpability. Using our previous example, Child A says, “Hey, you bumped into me!” And Child B is urged to respond with something like “I am so sorry you were bumped, although I didn’t realize that I had done so.”
Yeah, I know, kids don’t talk like that, but I’m addressing parents here, so I figure you can teach this method to your own kids in your own way. As long as you communicate the concept of Validation.
Following the logic here? Or are you asking why? If so, consider this: When a child (just like an adult) has their emotions validated first, they become open to whatever is said next, even if it’s a subtle denial of culpability: “Sorry” vs. “Sorry, I didn’t realize I did that.”
Next week: Culpability.
[tags]kids, parents, fighting, pushing, shoving, pain, hurt, validation, validate[/tags]
Photo graciously provided by depinniped, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved
5 responses so far ↓
Lori // Jul 16, 2007 at 5:20 am
totally get it. you are able to put into words that which i have only as intuition. thank you!!!!!! keep on writing!!!!! xxoo
Slouching Mom // Jul 16, 2007 at 6:21 am
Yes. And the heart of the lesson learned here, IMO, is that acknowledging hurt or pain is not simply (or even at all) about assigning blame.
Stu Mark // Jul 16, 2007 at 7:35 am
Slouch,
Yeah, I agree. We do our best to be a nonjudgemental family. But kids do what they do, like saying one of their favorite pre-programmed exclamations, like “He hit me!”… It happens, the events happen, and the kids react pretty stridently, demanding justice. Well, they actually demand retribution, but my job is to talk them down off of that ledge first, then talk them into sitting down at the negotiating table.
Once we get there, I bring out speech #32 - “It doesn’t matter who did what, the first time you hear anyone in this house cry out in pain or discomfort, validate their situation.”
Tere // Jul 16, 2007 at 12:00 pm
I’m with you on this one, Stu. I believe it’s really important to acknowledge and validate others’ feelings - even if you disagree, there’s a lot to be said for acknowledging it and allowing their point of view to enter into your line of sight.
Taste Like Crazy // Jul 16, 2007 at 12:43 pm
Love it:
“they actually demand retribution, but my job is to talk them down off of that ledge first”
I couldn’t agree with you guys more. I think one thing that is lacking now is empathy.
Great post.
http://www.TasteLikeCrazy.com
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