With apologies to Robert Frost, I find myself at a crossroads - My daughter is slowly turning into a teenager and I wrestle with this eternal question: Do I do my best to turn situations and experiences into learning sessions, or do I let her do what she wants and fully support it? Where’s the middle ground?
I’m sure there’s a middle ground somewhere, and I’m pretty sure I’m supposed to keep my parenting journey somewhere near the middle, but some things are harder than other. Her clothes, her hair, her friends, her television shows - no problem - I’m happy to leave her to her business, to smile and nod, to be supportive. But sometimes events occur or choices are made that give me this tremendous desire to teach a lesson - It’s like a maddening itch.
Now, I’m sure that a lot of the parents who are reading this understand and appreciate the desire to teach a lesson to their kids, to discuss the merits of a choice in order to improve their knowledge-base. There’s a lot of merit there.
But some parents tell me that I spend too much time in that area, as though the whole world is a classroom and that school is in session 365.256 days a year (approximately, given the particular year and method of measurement - see what I mean?). To those parents, I say this: I get it. It must be a real pain in the ass to live with my pedantry, with my insistence that knowledge is everything, that filling your brain to capacity is a moral imperative.
So that’s why I’m writing this, to ask you, good reader, to talk to me about this. Where is the balance? Is there a balance necessary? If so, should it be 50/50? 60/40?
by Stu Mark
Photo graciously provided by gilest, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved
3 responses so far ↓
Thimbelle // Jul 21, 2008 at 11:25 pm
I think that you are just struggling with the quintessential conundrum of parenting - When do we stop “teaching”, and let them (try to) stand on their own?
I have wrestled with this as well - and I finally am at a place where I try to use “teachable moments” - just insert a bit of wisdom here and there, but (hopefully) without being too preachy or heavy-handed.
It’s hard to do, but at some point we have to start trusting that we have done our best with these kids, and let them stretch their wings a bit. I would rather that Twinks make her mistakes now, while she is living at home (with the safety of Mom and Dad there as backup) than to over-shelter her, not allow her to really “grow up”, and then send her out in to the world with a head full of knowledge, but no “common sense” or real-life experiences. to draw upon.
But that’s just me…
Kelly Damron // Jul 22, 2008 at 11:06 am
My twins are just shy of 4 years old and I find that I am trying to teach a lot too. When they were 2 years old I started counting 1-2-3 when I wanted them to stop doing something or to get them to bed, etc. There was a penalty - such as ‘time out’ if they failed to stop banging the table with the toy.
But, recently I started using the counting technique to teach them that if they don’t take advantage of something the opportunity goes away. This comment is getting too long, but quickly…the other day Miss A wanted to touch my earrings. She was taking her sweet time and it was time to go. I told her I would count to three and if she didn’t touch them she’d loose the opportunity to do so. We’ll she didn’t and started screaming as we walked to the car. Is this lesson about “opportunity” being taught too soon - I don’t know.
So I guess my real point here is that as parents we make the decision about what to teach and when. There is no rule, just your instinct since you know your children probably better than they know themselves.
nancy // Jul 23, 2008 at 5:10 pm
Our children are 21 and 17, and as I observe them at this age, I’m discovering that we have always been teaching them, either by choice or by example. We did very practical things like counting toes, smelling flowers, naming colors, exploring shapes, and reading books at a very young age. As they grew older they learned cooking, car repair, financial management and other practical tools.
But they have also learned about having a good marriage, developing positive relationships, modesty, faith, perseverance, being kind and generous, and making good choices. We have talked, a lot. And they have watched and listened to know whether we are practicing what we are preaching.
And now, I am in awe of my children (and humbled by them) as I watch them mature and become responsible young adults. They are capable of doing many practical things, but beyond that, they are able to make good choices…and know that they can come to us for guidance and knowledge.
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