Poop, pacifier and bed: the three things killing me right now.
O.k., so they’re not killing me, exactly, they’re just the three things that are ruling my household right now, and at least once a day I question if I’m being smart or dumb in taking all three on at once.
First, the pacifier. We’ve been battling this one for ages now. I’d made a lot of progress in getting Max off the pacifier (except for bedtime), but he was ill months ago, and in a moment of weakness, I handed him the pacifier, and that was that. All my hard work, down the drain, and it was 100% my fault. We’re finally back to him using the pacifier for nap and bedtime, but he’s got this annoying habit of whining for his “tete” every afternoon when I get home from work. I have no sympathy for my boy because whenever we leave the house - to go to daycare, my parents’ house or out running errands - he readily hands the pacifier over without a second thought. There’s just something about getting home from daycare (or something else?) that makes him a whiny PITA about the pacifier, and I’m at a loss over how to end it.
So doesn’t it make sense to focus on potty training at the same time? Ha! I put off putting any real effort into potty training until the dust of my imploding marriage had settled. At the same time, I’ve noticed how my son has been cognitively growing, and I can tell he now understands the concept of “the potty and how it applies to me” much better than he did just months ago. Still, as many of you must have experienced, this is a major control issue for toddlers, and my child - my stubborn, independent child - is no different. I cannot even mention the word “potty” without him freaking out on me a bit; the tactic that seems to be working is the one where I keep him half-naked and remind him every half hour that if he feels the need to pee, to use the potty. That’s really the only thing that works. We’ve yet to include poop in this equation; it seems that while he’s willing to sit there and push, he can’t commit to the final act. I’m so anxious at this point for some poop in that potty that I think I might throw a party when it finally happens.
Meanwhile, you can just imagine how much pee and poop I’ve been cleaning off the floor - it’s like having a puppy all over again.
So why not round my days off with the project of getting this boy of mine to sleep in his own bed? This is honestly the one I haven’t been putting much effort into, because really, I’m exhausted by this point and can barely keep my eyes open, much less wrangle my kid into his own bed and make him stay there. I’m probably one of those co-sleeping parents for whom the co-sleeping has been so comfortable and convenient that we’re both going to have a hard time with this one. In fact, I have no real reason to get him off my bed other than that I feel it’s time to do it. I suspect this will only be much harder if I don’t do it soon.
I’ve had his bed in my room for a while now; if I myself don’t fall asleep with him when I do the bedtime routine, I move him there when he’s out cold, and there he stays until about 5 a.m. But if I fall asleep, it’s yet another night of co-sleeping. My plan - or the closest thing I have to one - is to figure out how to teach him to fall asleep on his own, and also to convince him that his own bed is much cooler than mine. The Thomas the Engine sheets don’t seem to be doing the trick. I may have to bring out the Dora ones.
And so, this is the tiny task I’ve taken upon myself at this time. Three major changes. One stubborn child and his clueless mother.
Go ahead, you can tell me I’m insane to do it this way!
by Tere
Photo graciously provided by snowriderguy, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved
6 responses so far ↓
Whitney Hoffman // Sep 3, 2008 at 5:41 am
Well, I think it is alot at once, and you need to choose and try them in succession- you are stressed, the child is stressed, and that makes it extra hard for everyone. And development is linear, so he will outgrow this stuff, even if it doesn’t seem so right now.
If it helps at all, my son sucked his thumb. Because there’s no way to throw that away, or cut the end off, or anything else, I was really stressed over it. Eventually, he stopped. Occasionally, when I go to wake him up in the morning, his thumb is still there, even at ten, but it’s a reflexive thing, and I know that this, too, will pass.
Kids use pacifiers, teddys and the like to learn to self-settle. Would you feel as bad about this if it were a blankie or teddy? Can you wean him onto another comfort object?
And I used to think about the big boy bed this way- Why is it, when you are little and scared of the dark, people make you sleep by yourself, but when you are grown-up and no longer worried about monsters, you get to sleep with someone? Weird. But from a kid’s point of view, you get company every night, why shouldn’t he?
This made me a bit more patient with my kids and the transition. But I might take them on in order of importance. Probably work on poop, then bed, and as long as the pacifier is only nap and bed, leave that until he can self- settle easier and feels more secure with the other successes.
I guarantee he won’t bring it to college with him, despite the fact it seems like it now. And I guarantee the poop thing and learning to self-settle is in part a neurological/psychological/developmental thing that kids come to at different points in time.
Try not to worry. Just because Polly Perfect’s kids never have these problems down the street, doesn’t reflect on you as a mom- choose you battles, one at a time, and slow down, and let both of your grow up at your own pace. You may have to force certain issues, but all at once will make you both crazy.
Tere // Sep 3, 2008 at 6:50 am
Whitney, this is such a great comment - thanks so much for sharing all this with me. You’re making me wonder why I feel the need to take the 3 on at once, if in fact these are not big deals in the great scheme of things.
I agree that the pacifier is the least of my concerns, and that poop is the biggest! I think my overthinking all this comes from trying to keep up with his growth and development and not wanting to miss any windows I may have to check these off the list.
I think my greater concern is that if I go with my gut - i.e., to leave it alone and let nature take its course - I may end up with a bigger problem in the end. I don’t even know what that problem could be, that’s just the way my mind works.
Whitney Hoffman // Sep 3, 2008 at 8:07 am
The hardest thing sometimes as a mom is learning what we have control over, and what we don’t. Alot of these issues are things your child has some control over, but you would like to - and unfortunately, you can provide guidance and rewards to make certain things more attractive or worth their while (Yes, I have “bribed” kids by placing pictures of much desires items next to the potty to help incentivize them), but ultimately, they are going to have to do these things on their own.
Start with the biggest issue- the potty, and let the others go for a bit, and revisit when you are both less stressed.
As for the bed thing, a relative still has her kids having a hard time going to sleep at ages 9 and 11, so you have a long time to work on this one before you get to that stage. And I can always recommend music, audio books, white noise- tons of stuff to make the bed thing easier to deal with, when the time comes, but tackle ‘em one at a time- you’ll both be happier.
Megin Hatch // Sep 3, 2008 at 9:26 am
Tere-
I got a little anxious just reading all that you are trying to do. Holy Moly. These times are trying.
I go through some times when I decide I must have him do (or stop doing) _______ right. this. minute. Or the end of the world will come. Then I talk myself off the cliff (sometimes with help).
So- if you reread your last paragraph of your comment and think about that for a moment… what will those bigger problems be? Think about how your mom-gut has done so far- you CAN trust it and yourself.
I’ve found in most cases (*for us*) it works well to think of these transitions as weaning. When my kids were nursing it was a very gradual process- they didn’t just stop one day. So when I decided my son must.stop.sleeping.with.me.now, we made it gradual. We laid with him, then sat with him, then sat near him. Then sat across the room. Then left the door open.
And the potty thing. Pssht. Steps and stages- awareness and communication comes first- my daughter had poop issues, too. She was completely accident free with the pee but would not use the potty for da poop. I wtote about it here: http://gnmparents.com/lets-talk-about-poop/ just a year ago- but I have no worries, issues, or concerns now. A year ago, now that was a different story.
Trust yourself, and trust that you know your son better than anyone on the planet- give yourself (and Max) a break. It will all come.
All of it.
Best-
Anita B // Sep 3, 2008 at 7:17 pm
My son has never sucked his thumb or a pacifier, I’m not dealing with potty training right now, but I am dealing with the exact same issue with bedtime! I, however, have someone (my husband) who will come in and move him when we end up falling asleep together-every night. Sometimes he will stay until 5, but most of the time it’s around midnight or 1. This being said, I am okay with it. I want him to know that if he gets scared, he can come to me. Not that I don’t get frustrated. There are some nights when he is tossing and turning so much that no one gets any sleep. But I figure this too shall pass, so I don’t let it stress me out too much. And, if I am exhausted the next day, I have the privilege of taking a nap when the boys do (I’m a nanny on top of being a SAHM). They’re on the same nap schedule, so I can usually get in at least an hour.
Theresa // Sep 4, 2008 at 12:58 pm
I’m also more along Whitney’s lines here. They really do go through these stages least stressfully on their own time and at their own pace. I read once that if you are having a hard time breaking a kid’s habit, then you might need to consider that you are breaking a need and not a habit.
It really doesn’t sound like you need any extra stress right now. In a year from now, you will probably be dealing with completely different parenting issues, and these will be a thing of the past.
It also helps me to take a deep breath and say ”its just a phase…. its just a phase”
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