My first reaction was dismay. I’d torn open the envelope from Ten’s school, the envelope we’d been awaiting for the better part of a week. It contained a letter from his soon-to-be fifth-grade teacher, as well as a list of kids who would be in his classroom. For whatever reason, there are far fewer boys than girls in Ten’s grade, which has limited the boys’ opportunities for finding friends. It’s taken quite a while, but Ten has ended up with two good buddies at his school.
Neither boy was on his class list.
Ten was sad, really sad. And in the face of his disappointment, my maternal fix-it impulse kicked in, abruptly, without warning. I’m going to do something about this!, it cried. It’s just not fair that Ten is all by himself after three years spent with the same boys!
Irritably, I told my maternal fix-it impulse to can it.
And then I sat down and thought a minute.
When I was in school, I had to deal with some good teachers, some bad ones, and some that were very much in-between. Sometimes I had my good friends in my homeroom, and sometimes I didn’t.
Ten will be facing many disappointments in his life, assuming that things go as they usually do. If I cushion him from experiencing letdowns, I will be doing him a disservice. When, eventually, he is forced to experience a setback without me propping him up, he will be wholly unable to handle it. Or, worse, he will act as if he is too special to suffer what ordinary people do.
Ten will make some new friends this year. He will see his old friends in the hallway, on the playground, at lunch. He will adjust. And in the process he will get just a little bit more mature about life and its vagaries. There’s nothing wrong with that. Nothing at all.
Photo graciously provided by carf, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved
16 responses so far ↓
vodkamom // Aug 27, 2008 at 12:38 pm
hey. we’re never to old to learn, and grow. and all that shit.
I’m proud of you. It’s hard to not be able to “fix” stuff.
margaret // Aug 27, 2008 at 12:43 pm
Wow, you get classroom lists? We don’t something about privacy and all that.
The girls school has one class per grade, so they are usually always with the same kids!
Hetha // Aug 27, 2008 at 1:26 pm
I’m not there yet, I still have to fix every little thing. I admire you.
Sandie Law // Aug 27, 2008 at 1:50 pm
I think this is one of the hardest things to do as a parent. I struggle with it constantly…
Heather // Aug 27, 2008 at 2:57 pm
Good for you mama. Hope I can follow in your footsteps when my time comes for something like this.
Kristen // Aug 27, 2008 at 3:47 pm
Good for you! It is hard to remember that in these days of indulgence and entitlement. It is definitely up to us mommy’s to make the hard, but correct choices sometimes.
Cheryl // Aug 27, 2008 at 4:16 pm
No helicoptering! You ROCK. It is SOOOO hard, but with Ten’s demonstrated charisma, I’m betting he will flourish.
chaotic joy // Aug 27, 2008 at 4:25 pm
OK, so at the risk of sounding condescending I AM SO proud of you for not fixing this. I believe very strongly you did the right thing. We are not properly preparing our children for life if we always smooth the way for them.
SO often here I listen to parents talk about how they are going to have their child moved out of a class because they don’t like “this or that” about a teacher. I believe strongly that our children need to learn how to deal with different personalities including people they like and people they don’t. And by removing them from that type of situation we are, as you so wisely shared, doing them a disservice.
Man it is hard though sometimes. Especially in cases like Ten’s where it is their heart you are worried about.
Ruth Dynamite // Aug 27, 2008 at 6:15 pm
Ah…the restraint. He’ll be better for the experience. Just you wait!
Angeline // Aug 27, 2008 at 7:57 pm
its tough, this issue, I’ve fixed mine but have yet to fix my kids in years to come…you are a good mom..
Adrian // Aug 27, 2008 at 10:24 pm
I admire you for dealing with this in such a restrained manner. I’ve had some very similar struggles with my son and I always struggle not to step in and “fix” it for him. It’s so hard to see your kids unhappy, even for a day, but surprisingly, they seem to manage it better than we think they will.
For example: last year, he had a kid who was really mean to him and yesterday, the same kid was over for a play date and they seemed to be just fine.
InTheFastLane // Aug 28, 2008 at 8:47 am
It is hard to not fix everything for our kids. But, he will be ok, and so will you
crazymumma // Aug 28, 2008 at 12:11 pm
I know, you did the RIGHT thing, but still, my first emotional response upon reading this was ‘but you can maybe change this!’
Emily R // Aug 28, 2008 at 6:03 pm
That was a very mature response. I think it was also the right one.
Blooming Desertpea // Aug 29, 2008 at 9:01 am
Yes, it’s painful and No, there is nothing wrong with having to adjust - that is what we are doing all our life, right?
Kim N // Aug 30, 2008 at 11:26 am
Good for you!
We have three elementary schools very close together. I am shocked at how many parents have opted to drive their kids to and from a school that is not the one they are assigned to for various reasons. Some don’t like the principal at one, another doesn’t like the first grade teachers at another school. One says her daughter doesn’t know enough kids at the school she is supposed to go to…the list goes on and on. I agree that kids can learn from disappointments and gain experiences they may never have if we hover over them and fix all the challenges they come across. My daughter didn’t get the teacher she had hoped for this year and I am excited for her to get to know a teacher that she knows nothing about. We will both learn from it!
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