I’m fond of analogies, as they help visualize the steps towards solving an issue. One analogy that I came up with for my wife and kids is:
The Sofa!
We all have stuff we want to do, or things we want to say, or ways we want to feel in a relationship. These things we want are our individual responsibilities (we call them “emotional responsibilities”), but we’re not alone on the path to achieving them.
When one of us has a need, we voice it to the other person or people. So now we have 1 person with a need and 1 person who has been told about it. For now, let’s imagine just 2 people, the one with the need and the other person (spouse, child, sibling), who becomes the partner, the assistant.
Now imagine that the “need” is actually a big sofa, and the job is to carry the sofa into the house. Clearly it takes two people to carry the sofa, and the two people have to work together as a team. Each person needs to lift their end of the sofa, and they both need to team up to manage the direction of the sofa (so the sofa doesn’t break a window or a doorknob or something).
When we are working on a problem, in our family, we try to think of The Sofa. We ask ourselves, am I holding up my end of the sofa? Am I working as an effective teammate in moving the sofa? Am I being careful to not rush the process, am I being gentle with the sofa, am I being cool with my sofa-moving partner?
We find that this is extremely helpful in keeping the peace in Dodge. It may not go perfectly all the time, but when it starts to falter, when The Sofa starts to slip, we’ll check in with ourselves and ask the above questions. Sometimes that’s enough. Sometimes it’s clearly the other person. And in that case, one of us will remind the other to hold up their end of the sofa, or to slow down while moving it, or whatever. You get the point, right?
Thoughts?
Photo courtesy of Caterina, used under a Creative Commons License.
[tags]partnership, strategies, family, kids, spouse, relationships, assistance[/tags]
5 responses so far ↓
Whitney // Jan 29, 2007 at 1:55 pm
I love this analogy.
Needs come in all shapes and sizes, like sofas. Some are love seat sized, you can almost manage on your own, and others are sectionals where more people need to be added into the mix to make the room work.
It’s hard to be a grown-up all the time and take responsibility for how we feel. Sometimes it’s hard to articulate why something is bothering you, or explain it in a way that lets others in your family know why it’s an issue for you. (Is someone cutting you off and telling you just to leave the stupid sofa where it is? Or are they willing to help you experiment with a new direction for the sofa?)
Suldog // Jan 30, 2007 at 1:41 pm
Maybe this is why I have few lasting relationships. If nobody else is around, I pick up one end of the sofa and then drag it. It’s hell on the floors, too.
Just kidding. Excellent analogy and one I’ll definitely keep in mind.
Stu Mark // Jan 30, 2007 at 4:17 pm
Thanks for the analogous compliments!
Whit: I agree, it’s hard to do it all the time, in the beginning. But once you get into the habit of it, it becomes second-nature. My wife took a tiny bit of time, but because I had asked her for it, to articulate her feelings (not defend or deny, just explain, to articulate, out loud, to me), well, it didn’t take her that long, and now she does it all the time. And she tells me she’s happier, she feels less stress and more appreciated.
But everyone’s different, and I get that. Just didn’t want the moment to go by without making my pitch for emotional candor. Hmmm, maybe that will be my column for next week!
Annie // Jan 30, 2007 at 11:41 pm
Love the sofa analogy, Stu!
Unfortunately, my toes are sore from having our sofa being dropped on them a little too often.
Right now, hubby is moving that sofa by himself and that’s fine with him.
Annie
Stu Mark // Jan 31, 2007 at 12:42 am
Annie,
Have a sit-down with your husband. First, tell him you love him (maybe buy him a tiny gift, like his favorite soda or candy bar or whatever). Then explain the sofa thing. Then, without accusing him of anything, ask him if the analogy makes sense. If he says yes, ask him if it seems fair. If he says yes, say Thanks and I love you, and then see if he adjusts on his own.
If not, come back to me and we’ll shift into phase II.
Stu (who was a solo sofa-mover for many years)
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