I worry about my son. Astonishing, I know.
He’s shockingly quiet; except in the warm cocoon of our home, where he is free to release his inner velociraptor. He is never reluctant to express himself with his siblings but when he is at school, or even with members of our larger family, you just can’t buy a vowel. He nods and he shakes his head but he is, by and large, silent.
His kindergarten teacher match has been a good one. She is calm and seems to recognize Clay’s strengths despite his reluctance to… well, speak. He’s bypassed all of the benchmarks and his math and reading skills are rapidly developing. He’s a smart cookie, I have no academic concerns.
My worries are around the likelihood that his next teacher, or the next, or the next will never see Clay. His talents won’t be recognized, his curiosity won’t be nurtured, and he will slide through his schooling without ever being noticed. My worries are that my boy will be ignored or pressured or ridiculed for his reticence. I worry that he won’t easily make friends and that the friends he does make will take advantage of him.
I worry that we, his parents, won’t be able to help him find comfort in his skin.
What causes this shyness, this insecurity? I was (and continue to be) reluctant to speak publicly and often feel self-conscious when the spotlight is anywhere near me. But I never remember not wanting to speak to a teacher or a friend. I never remember being too shy to speak to my Grandma. Is this a middle child thing? A second boy thing? A having a brother less than 2 years older thing? Or just a Clay thing?
It appears I have books to read and research to conduct, and a boy to listen carefully to.
by Megin Hatch
[tags]parents, kids, children, shy, age, teachers, school, concerns, future, worry, insecurity, expression, birth order[/tags]
Photo graciously provided by the author, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved
6 responses so far ↓
Soire // Apr 16, 2008 at 6:02 am
My Second is not yet in Kindergarten, but heading there in the fall. She’s smart enough, quick to learn etc, but if she’s not comfortable, she’s a dead silent cling-on.
My comparison, her sister who is two years older is a fireball of noise and chatter!
.. I have many of the same concerns about #2 that you seem to.
Rachel // Apr 16, 2008 at 6:24 am
Your description of your son sounds just like me at his age. I would only talk to certain people in my family (only female relatives). I did not talk in school, except to one close friend. The more anyone tried to make me talk, the more I refused. I spent 2 years sitting by myself in a seperate room away from my classmates as punishment for not talking. One teacher told my classmates that I was mute. I hope your son will have understanding teachers who will help him and not push him so much that he rebels. I did not have that, and I did not start talking until my freshman year, and then it was only if a teacher asked me a question. When everyone gave up and left me alone, I was fine. I started talking on my own, when I was ready.
I don’t really know why I didn’t talk all those years.
I probably haven’t been too helpful here, but I felt I had to share my similar situation.
Chris // Apr 16, 2008 at 7:22 am
About 25% of us are introverts, swimming upstream in a sea of extroverts, who just don’t get us strong silent types. I remember receiving an “NS” (not satisfactory) mark in “oral communication” on my report card in 4th grade and I was very upset to see that mark on an otherwise excellent report. My mom simply said, “You’re shy and that’s okay. Some people are, but there’s nothing wrong with you. Look at all your other excellent grades.” She was never very good with words (she is emotionally inhibited as well as introverted herself), but those few simple statements made a world of difference to me at the time. She never pushed me to be different or more “out there” than I was comfortable.
A few years ago, I read “The Introvert Advantage.” It really helped me appreciate my gifts as an introvert and also, to understand extroverts a little better. I feel so much more comfortable with myself now and have learned to cope better with living as an innie in an outie world. There’s a chapter about parenting an introvert that you might find helpful. Focus on your son’s gifts and remind him of them often.
InTheFastLane // Apr 16, 2008 at 9:02 am
My oldest is this way and she is now excelling in 7th grade. It is wonderful, though, when there are teachers who are able to look beyond the first glance and see the whole child. Hopefully, your son continues to have those type of teachers, but I would think that a note in the first few weeks of school might not be a bad thing.
nan // Apr 16, 2008 at 6:09 pm
Wow, I am having similar concerns with my middle boy. He is not painfully shy, but his two brothers are SO outgoing and TALK! ALL! THE! TIME! He sits quietly and reads.
Sam gets missed out in the classroom these days because he is such a wallflower there, and very nerdy so the teacher doesn’t bother with him.
I will be interested to hear if you come up with any solutions or ideas.
The Shy One at School | GNMParents // Aug 28, 2008 at 4:01 am
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