I’ve written before about my selectively shy son. And today my mind is once again wrapped up in his reticence. My middle child often offers us only one word answers unless we really focus on drawing him out.
Don’t get me wrong- at playtime at the Hatches my boy would give a pod of blue whales a swim for the title of the loudest animal on the planet. But, only if it’s us. Throw friends or relatives or (gasp) a teacher into the mix and suddenly a dead rabbit seems loud.
He’s in first grade. Is he an introvert? I’m not sure. I’ve been reading up on it a little but only a few of the characterizations apply. He can be so loud and so crazy sometimes. Is he just cutting his path through the woods? Again, I’m not sure. Is this shyness? My reading tells me that shyness is characterized by a level of social anxiety and fear. That label doesn’t seem to fit either.
This is not new behavior, he’s an observer and often needs to take everything in before he will do anything. He will play in the outskirts of a circle of kids he doesn’t know well. He’ll do this for 180 school days, at the end seeming no more participatory than at the beginning. He clearly prefers to speak only to those closest to him. He loved the tree stumps in our yard and was so sad when the stump grinder came. He is reluctant with his affection and, as I mentioned, the middle in a family of 3. The best classification we’ve found for him is: he’s Clay.
I am torn between feeling like he’ll be fine, quiet but happy, and worrying that he’ll be left on a field trip or in first grade because his teachers didn’t even realize that he’d been there.
If this is introversion do I sit back and reassure and hope? If this is shyness do I encourage and propel? Does the label matter? Should the approach be different? My motivation is to help him to have a positive, successful experience in school. Not because I fear his admittance into a prestigious college, but because I want my boy to feel good about the next 12-16-20 years of school.
Your experience?
Your thoughts?
Your reflections?
Your suggestions?
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by Megin Hatch
Photo graciously provided by the author, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved.
3 responses so far ↓
slouching mom // Aug 28, 2008 at 5:58 am
God, he’s just like my six-year-old son! (Down to the difference between the way he is at home — wild and crazy — and out and about — silent.)
I don’t think you need to do anything.
My son has come so far from when he was a terrified two-year-old hiding in the fabric of my metaphorical skirt.
I expect him to blossom just as much in the next four years.
In this instance I think time and time alone is what will do the trick.
InTheFastLane // Aug 28, 2008 at 8:44 am
I would keep hanging in there. I have a couple like that. And even my 13 year old can still be that way at time.
Cheryl in Sacramento // Aug 28, 2008 at 12:49 pm
It sounds like he will be loyal to his close friends and family. I might suggest a “man’s best friend” in the form of a low key dog or a hamster…or a cactus. Just something that he can be with without worrying that he will loose it.
Being an observer is not a bad position to be in later in life. He will likely avoid mistakes that others make because he has watched others, however, it might be a good idea to actively encourage him to engage in conversation with others as he gets older. Practice has made it easier for me to converse in the workplace. Something I wasn’t able to do much growing up because I was shy.
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