Grasshopper New Media Presents...

We all think we know what love is. But many think hate is the opposite of love-that’s not really true. Hate requires emotional involvement and energy. The opposite of love is indifference, or as our reader Carl put it recently, disengagement. When you withhold emotion, energy, approval, disapproval- anything- that is the real killer. We wouldn’t really consider being indifferent to our kids, but how often are we indifferent to our spouses, or ourselves?

This came to mind after Stu Mark’s recent post about issues with his teenage daughter, and a recent episode of the podcast, Manic Mommies, featuring Esther Perel talking about her new book, Mating in Captivity. So much in our lives as parents has to do with care taking of other people. Of our children, of our spouses- rarely putting ourselves on the top of that “to do” list. The demands of running a family can leave us drained of the energy to experience moments of pleasure for ourselves, and guilty about the “me” time we do take, if we take any at all. We start to look at anything done solely for ourselves as being selfish, and self-indulgent, and thinking that’s a bad thing, rather than something wonderful, healthy and necessary in our lives.

This past weekend, a girlfriend talked me into getting a pedicure while the kids were at karate. A new place opened two doors down from the karate place, and I had never had a pedicure, so on a whim, I said “Sure!” Well, let me tell you- this was self-indulgence. Slipping toes into a warm jacuzzi, while sitting in a massage chair was simply amazing. Having my feet massaged, rubbed, nails painted- it was an all-girl experience I had never had before, and it was terrific. It was the absolute best $20 I have spent in a long time.

I think this confluence of recent events has convinced me that if I want passion and imagination in my life, I have to start by not treating myself with indifference. I have to be willing to allow myself to experience pure pleasure from time to time. Whether it’s the joy of a small boy taking your hand as you walk, or a touch from your spouse, a bubble bath, or a really good piece of chocolate- experiencing pleasure, joy and happiness has to be part of our lives- it’s what keeps us alive and engaged in life. I know I spend so much time doing what I have to do, I don’t spend nearly enough doing things simply for the joy of it. I need to make a switch to allow myself to experience joy and happiness, rather than the puritanical belief that pleasure and indulgence is bad.

Working hard is supposed to be it’s own reward. We do things because we have to, because we have designed our lives to make these tasks important and necessary. I guess I am slowly learning that being able to do something for myself- lunch with friends, a hot bath in the middle of the day for no reason, a pedicure….these small pleasures are worth experiencing, whole heartedly, not with a side order of guilt and denial. If we decide to do something to let off steam or enjoy, then let’s just do it, rather than do everything within tight parameters of pleasure. And rather than feeling I have to justify (reasonable) indulgences, why not just experience them, or even better, bring your spouse or even kids along for the ride?

What makes you happy? What are the best memories you have? Why do they make you happy? How can you get this feeling and enjoy it, maybe just once a week? Do you find yourself afraid of pleasure and joy? What do you think we can do to change this?

I know one of my goals for the New year will be to feel less guilty about the pleasures in life, big and small, and just allow myself to experience them, without always feeling like “Well, that’s enough of that, time to move on.” I am slowly becoming convinced my heart will not explode from the joy of flowers, birds and sunshine on a spring day, or the joy in a child’s face when I let them have chocolate cake for breakfast, or in my spouse’s face when I tell him to relax while I read to the kids tonight, and he doesn’t have to move or do anything. And I can love these things with all my heart, as much as lunch with friends, or a pedicure, or (the absurd now) a diamond tiara or spa vacation, and not feel like there is divine retribution waiting to punish me for allowing pleasure in my life. I need to experience the joy of letting go from restraint and responsibility from time to time, and I hope you can, too.

by Whitney Hoffman

[tags]parents, parenting, children, kids, love, indifference, self-love, self-respect, joy, relaxation, stress, guilt[/tags]
Photo graciously provided by code poet, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved