Although some men might have a Father Instinct, my husband isn’t one of those Dads. When our daughters were first born it used to drive me crazy that he could sleep through their very loud crying. With two of them needing to be fed, I would nudge him awake whenever it was his turn. We were feeding every three hours during the first few months so he had to help at least once per night so that I could somewhat function the next day.
As our daughters grew and needed less attention at night the responsibility of nighttime wakings became mine. Mainly by default, because I was the only one who would wake up to the nighttime cries. My husband has a slight hearing loss in one ear, so even though I would like to give him the benefit of the doubt, I believe women are more likely to hear their child in the middle of the night than men are. Initially, I would glare at my husband and wonder why in the world the crying didn’t wake him like it woke me. I would throw the covers off and handle the matter. He would wake up refreshed in the morning and say, “The girls slept through the night last night!” To which I would respond, “No, they didn’t. I got up with them at X hour.”
At some point I recognized that I would always be the one to hear the cries during the night. And I decided that this was meant to be. I have heard that once a woman becomes a mom she sleeps lighter than she did before she had children. It must be some type of hormone that is emitted upon the birth of or the adoption of a child. I wonder why this instinct seems to be present mainly in women. It’s not a function of love or care for a child. In my opinion, I think it is based on our roles and responsibilities as moms and dads.
As I look at what roles my husband and I play in our family I notice that we interact with our children differently. My husband is the one they tend to play more actively with, such as playing chase or tickle bug. While I am the reader and game player. Our daughters have caught onto the roles that mommy and daddy play too. At bedtime daddy is asked, “Throw me up on the bed, Daddy.” A request I seldom get asked.
So when our daughters wake up in the middle of the night because they don’t feel good or because they are scared, I no longer glare at my husband while he remains sound asleep and totally oblivious to what is going on around him. I’ve accepted that this is my responsibilty and I love every minute of being a mom.
by Kelly Damron
Photo graciously provided by angel_shark, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved
7 responses so far ↓
Anita B // Sep 6, 2008 at 8:39 am
Thank you for that post-my son is almost 2 and I still get angry when my husband just lies there, completely oblivious to what’s going on around him. I am a person who needs at least 7-8 hours a night sleeping, he needs 4. But I still need to resolve myself to the fact that I’m going to be the one to get up when my son needs me. Thanks for that revelation, maybe it will make the next 18 years more bearable if I just have a little patience.
Ron // Sep 6, 2008 at 1:11 pm
I loved this blog, and I can understand the feeling you have as a mother. I just thought I would interject my opinion as a Dad.
My daughter is now 14 years old, but when she was a baby, she had many issues to deal with. She later developed asthma and went from a slight sniffle to being on a breathing machine in no time. It was scary.
My ex-wife was a good mother, but as the issues increased, she became frustrated. I had to learn to listen for my child. My ex-wife would wake me up to deal with it, and shortly, I had the hearing that most mothers have.
To this day, I can look at my daughter and know something is wrong. And many times, I can tell her what I think is wrong, just from her look.; and I am right.
I deal with all my daughter’s medical issues to this day, and she looks to me for nurturing and guidance on all levels.
Men may not have the “mother instincts” to their children and have those intimate connections with their children that comes with the child-birth process, but I think some of them can be learned and the bond is created through pure love.
Bottom line, parents are parents.
Megin Hatch // Sep 6, 2008 at 1:58 pm
My kids are pretty frequent night wakers. They all wake up to use the bathroom or to get a drink and invariably try to sneak into our bed to finish off the night.
But I have to say the night waking thing is pretty evenly split between us. Of course, that’s not always been the case, when I was nursing it was primarily me, though sometimes if the babe wasn’t already in our bed, my husband would bring him/her to me.
However…. I am usually the run to for comfort parent, though Rob is easily able to provide that service when I’m not around. They come to me first. I often wonder why- he’s very affectionate with them. It’s not a primary caregiver thing because when I was working outside more and he was working outside less it was still the same.
It would be easy to think it stemmed from nursing, but that doesn’t completely define a bond. We’ve both been “attached” parents, so that’s not it. They’ve seen us both cry, so that’s not it.
Maybe it’s just that I am rounder and softer.
Parents ARE parents, as Ron says- and usually the bonds are shaped differently between the kid and each parent. What defines those bonds? I imagine it depends on the individual relationships.
still thinking about this-
Kelly D // Sep 7, 2008 at 9:35 pm
Anita - I feel your pain. It took me a long time to stop glaring at my husband in the middle of the night - although he never saw my stares. Once I accepted my role it did make the night time responsibilities so much easier and it helped our marriage too!
Rob - I totally agree with you that sometimes circumstances adapt the role of mother/father as it best fits the child. I think it is wonderful you know your daughters so well. I hope to have the same instincts when my girls are 14 years old!
Anita B // Sep 7, 2008 at 9:40 pm
Thanks Kelly, the past couple days have been a little less stressful because I am trying harder to just accept my role as night owl. Thanks so much!
Kelly D // Sep 7, 2008 at 10:23 pm
you’re welcome!
Theresa // Sep 11, 2008 at 1:36 am
I read on Dr. Sears website that mothers are biologically designed to react when their babies cry. It is how we evolved. It is how we make sure that our babies are safe. Our breasts begin to fill up and we get an urge to pick them up and comfort. Daddies just don’t always have that built-in response mechanism.
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