It is not in my nature to ignore emotional suffering. I spent many an hour and many a dollar talking to professionals in an effort to get comfortable with anger and sadness - that of others, and also my own.
I’ll do anything, even at my own expense, to extinguish the darker emotions.
When my father was dying of colon cancer in 2004, it was agony for me to watch. Of course the impending loss of him was terrible, but equally difficult was the emotional suffering of my mother and the rest of my family. We were torn asunder, rather than brought together, by that experience.
When The Poo was born, I suddenly turned inside out. All my nerves seemed to migrate to the surface of my skin, and each small cry wrenched my heart.
So you can only imagine how good I am at dealing with the temper tantrum.
We’re visiting my mother-in-law and her husband in another state this week, and of course The Poo decided it was exactly the right time to hit that dreaded developmental milestone - the Terrible Twos.
On the whole I can’t complain. She is a bright, shiny child whose laughter comes from deep inside her chest and belly. She has a playful sense of humor and, for the most part, stays out of the kind of trouble that causes harm. Her historical sunny demeanor required only the lightest of discipline, and I have - until recently - reserved “no” for dangerous situations. She wanted to explore her world - who was I to stop her?
Can you see where this is going?
I know all the rules - ignore, de-escalate, don’t give in, stand your ground, blah blah blah blah.
When the child is screaming at earth-shattering decibels because I - gasp! - dare to eat my dinner, it takes every ounce of my will-power to resist taking her hand and playing with her while my food congeals on my plate. I just want her to stop crying. I want the smile to return and the kisses to rain down instead of tears.
And she knows it. She has my number, just like everyone else. She knows I am a softie with a weak constitution. She knows my love for her is limitless and she knows she can outlast me.
Last night at dinner she cried and screamed with her head in my lap. I was beside myself, my anxiety ratcheting up higher and higher every sob. I started to sweat and my feet were itching to push back my chair and take her in my arms. As I came closer to giving in yet again, I felt her body relax and the cried become more and more artificial.
She played me like a violin.
But then I had a vision in my head of her acting out this play in pre-school. And in Kindergarten. And on the playground.
So instead, I pulled back my chair and took her wet face in my hands gently.
“I love you very much, and I understand why you are angry that I won’t play with you right now. That’s OK.”
Then I turned back to the table and finished my dinner. When I was done eating I picked her up and rocked her as she sat quietly on my lap.
It’s a start.
Photo graciously provided by Foxicat, used under a Creative Commons License, some rights reserved.
[tags]parenting, temper tantrums, terrible twos[/tags]
13 responses so far ↓
mcewen // Mar 20, 2007 at 2:11 pm
I was going to say that it’s a great start, but it’s more than a great start. If only the rest of us could follow through similarly rather than succumb to the baleful glances of other diners!
Best wishes
Angela // Mar 20, 2007 at 2:26 pm
Great way to handle it, the temper tantrum road is very, very long, good luck on your journey. I’m a mother of two children aged 9 and 5 and I survived to tell the tale. But the tween stage is just around the corner, help!!
A.L. Hatch // Mar 20, 2007 at 2:30 pm
I tell you, the screaming makes me crazy! And The Poo is especially gifted in that she can manufacture real, huge tears on demand. Her dramatic ability never ceases to amaze me.
It is so hard just to hold still when she is having a hissy fit. Really what I want to do is run away.
karrie // Mar 20, 2007 at 4:01 pm
Can I run away with you? Managing my anxiety during those kinds of episodes is so difficult for me.Every shriek, scream and randomly bossy comment(You done drinking water Mama! NO STOP AT RED LIGHT! GO!Go!GO!– my son issues generates a physical (internal) response in me. Ratcheting anxiety is a good way to put it. I feel like I’ve been beaten up when it’s over.
I love how you handled the episode at dinner with such grace.
Magpie Ima // Mar 20, 2007 at 4:52 pm
As I sit here in my sunny living room, I applaud you. Very nicely done. Now, simply repeat as necessary.
Binky // Mar 20, 2007 at 4:56 pm
The Boss is in major tantrum mode, too. At 20 months, she’s getting an early start on the Terrible Twos. But The Partner and I look like monsters compared to you…we just sit there and eat while she lets loose at the dinner table (and, okay, I’ll admit it–we’ve been known to laugh when her tantrums are so unwarranted and dramatic and full of facial contortions that we can’t even take her seriously). We know she’s not in physical pain or feeling any fear and that it’s just a natural development of individualism, and that she’ll be over that particular bout in a few minutes. And she always is. It’s getting more frustrating by the day as the tantrums keep coming, but I guess that’s how it goes. I actually think of you sometimes during her tantrums because of how you’ve written about The Poo in the past, and I think I must seem very callous in comparison. I have a feeling both The Poo and The Boss will turn out just fine, though
Stu Mark // Mar 20, 2007 at 5:55 pm
I try, and I realize it’s near impossible, to validate their feelings, even if they are expressing them unreasonably. There’s a hope that they somehow “get” the validation and feel better, which may lead to an increase in calmness and eventual acceptance. Not easy by any means. And the way you handled dinner, the way you calmly treated yourself with respect was surely an example to your little one, and to all of us.
Kelly // Mar 20, 2007 at 9:22 pm
You validated, but stood your ground. Hard to do, but good on you for following through.
I sometimes have the opposite inkling. Instead of offering comfort, I get mad, really mad at the tantrums.
It’s hard to always know the ‘right’ way to react, if such a thing exists.
FENICLE // Mar 20, 2007 at 10:48 pm
I hated that stage…not that it ever completely ends. I get stressed easily and anxious, so in teaching our son how to deal with his anger in a positive manner, I’ve had to learn as well.
This parenting thing is hard damn it!
A.L. Hatch // Mar 21, 2007 at 12:05 am
Binky, I’m just a woman who can’t say no. As evidenced by the fact that I allowed my husband to make me move to Chambana!
Thanks to all of you guys for the kind and supportive comments. You can be assured that they helped me this afternoon when The Poo threw the Mother Of All Meltdowns in the mall food court. In front of my inlaws and everyone else in the metro DC area.
I was sweating like a pig when she finally fell alseep in her stroller.
Oy.
whymommy // Mar 21, 2007 at 1:53 am
Go you! You did great! Widget had a difficult bedtime tonight, and it was soooooooo hard to shut the door and leave. I’m like you. I just want to take him in my arms and rock him forever. Well, not forever. Not, say, until he’s 12. Just until he calms down. Good luck and we’ll be thinking of you this week while you’re on travel!
wordgirl // Mar 21, 2007 at 3:44 am
I am chicken, hear me roar! You did so well!
Chantal Hubert // Mar 21, 2007 at 1:53 pm
Ten years of parenting and I still fold like a deck of cards sometimes, but mostly, handle it just the same way. Nice to know we’re all human, eh?
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