There’s a silent pressure in our house lately. While my husband and I are doing a decent job of managing that pressure and not letting it take over our lives, the pressure persists, silently pressing on us whenever we’re not dealing with any particular, immediate problem or situation.
It is the pressure to make a decision about Baby #2. The one we agreed not to have, choosing instead to adopt a little girl from China. The one we have maybe reconsidered about, deciding to postpone the adoption until the financial and emotional commitment doesn’t feel as overwhelming as it does right now (the new CCAA regulations and all the rumors swirling around about referrals taking two to three years don’t help, either).
The pressure is mainly centered on one thing: what would be the best time to start trying? We don’t feel quite ready, yet; but I have some strong feelings about not wanting there to be too many years between Max and his brother/sister, and three seems like my limit. And while I don’t want to be all schedule-y and controlling about this, I can’t help but think about timing, and at least twice a day I catch myself thinking “If we conceive in XX (month), Max will be X (2.5, 2.75, 2.467219 years old) when the baby is born.â€
But there are, of course, other factors. Particularly, the worry about how we’ll do (read: survive) with an infant when we’re not really infant people. I wonder if, despite our dread at the thought of sleepless nights, exhaustion, possible recurrences of thrush and mastitis (I suffered, I suffered badly), among all the other negatives, we’ll be any savvier or better at this, or if we’ll just be frustrated and miserable for those first seven or eight weeks.
And then there’s Max. I know, know, know that giving him a sibling is a wonderful gift that will enrich his life and our family. I also know that he’ll get over his initial jealously and adapt to life with baby. I know these things. But. We are so close, so attached. He is so much the center of attention, the center of our household. To bring another child in, no matter how great that is, is going to change our dynamic. And I don’t know what to make of that, how I should feel about it. But I do know that the thought makes my heart break a little.
As Max gets closer to his second birthday, though, there’s no denying that we feel pressure to decide. Or maybe not decide, since in many ways we are already mentally preparing ourselves for this inevitability, but get busy makin’ a baby. And in the moments where we address this pressure, my husband and I end up going over and over in the same circle: “This pressure is self-created, we don’t have to do anything about this if we don’t want to. Yeah, but we want to. And there’s that age thing we seem stuck on. But we’re dreading reliving the nightmare first weeks, with a toddler on top of it. But oh yeah, we want to.†Over and over again.
The one thing we know for sure is that we don’t want or plan to purposely (actively) try for this much-angsted-over number 2. It’s more of a mental thing, a desire to control the uncontrollable, a need to have everything work out in such a way so that it happens when we’re best mentally, financially, physically and emotionally able to navigate this new, unchartered territory.
How do other families ever decide to make the jump from one to two? It seems to me that the jump from one to two is far more monumental than two to three or three to four, and so on. Like everything changes in a big, palpable way when you bring in that second child. I’ve noticed a trend of having them back to back, but that would have just been way too difficult for us, between both of us working full time (how would I have managed maternity leave or saved money for same so close together?) and having to deal with all the related costs (doubling the cost of daycare in a short period, for example) - and never mind the emotional toll that would have taken on us. No, one baby right after the other works for some people (and really, how many of those cases are “on purpose” vs. “whoops!”?), but it would have never worked for us. So if you don’t care to “get it all over with at once”, how do you (or did you) sort through your priorities to arrive at the “best time”? Does such a thing even exist?
[tags]parenting, kids, number, getting pregnant, thoughtful, concerns, more than one[/tags]
Photo graciously provided by gottcha78, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved
14 responses so far ↓
bubandpie // May 30, 2007 at 12:48 pm
Out of everything I’ve done for my son in his 3.5 years of life, giving him his sister (and as quickly as we did) was the most important. So much of what he is, he owes to her.
That, of course, is MY son, with his unique personality and difficulties, and it may or may not be relevant to you - but if I ever felt a moment’s twinge of guilt about knocking him off of his only-child pedestal, time has shown that guilt to be unfounded.
Slouching Mom // May 30, 2007 at 1:18 pm
Honestly? The only wish I had was not to have two in diapers at the same time.
So yeah. The onerous and unpleasant task of changing diapers was what lead me to space my children the way I did.
I’m deep that way.
Tere // May 30, 2007 at 1:27 pm
SM, I’ve heard something similar to that before. I’ve already been recommended to potty train Max before #2 arrives…
Rory // May 30, 2007 at 1:36 pm
Your fears and doubts sound very familiar to me.
We are so close, so attached. He is so much the center of attention, the center of our household. To bring another child in, no matter how great that is, is going to change our dynamic. And I don’t know what to make of that, how I should feel about it. But I do know that the thought makes my heart break a little.
Those words really touch me. They sum up how we feel about Annabeth.
We will have another child, but we’re not doing it to give Annabeth anything. We just didn’t want to have an only child. It has become increasingly just fine to have an only child now that Annabeth is with us, but we have decided to deal with that feeling and go with having another. The best way I have come to deal with it is by telling myself that the three of us are having another addition to the family. Annie will be just over three if we have another.
I hope all goes well with you. And, thanks for a touching post.
FFG // May 30, 2007 at 1:50 pm
Our decision was more of a fertility & age thing. It was difficult having the first one & it definitely wasn’t going to get easier the longer we waited. When she turned 1, I stopped taking the pill & waited to see what would happen. A few months later, it happened. There really was no time to worry too much about whether or not we were emotionally ready. In my case, it was use it or lose it sister. You have time though.
Thordora // May 30, 2007 at 2:06 pm
We didn’t do it on purpose. And my advice to people is to NOT get pregnant when the first is under a year old. Having an 18mth old and a newborn was one of THE most stressful things ever.
They dig each other, but man. You couldn’t pay me to go back to the first few months. (However, I am not the most infant friendly person, so that might also have something to do with it)
I think it really depends on the person. I didn’t mind having two in diapers-I find it more of a pain now that one is in, and the other isn’t-I’m impatient for the younger one to stop using them. I didn’t really have time to mourn what I was losing with my first born, and frankly, this way she’s had a very clear illustration that she is NOT the king of the hill, something that would have been a concern if she was an only child.
We always mourn what we lose, and sometimes forget to cherish what we have. I chose to look at it all in this light. It’s easier.
Wendy // May 30, 2007 at 5:34 pm
Wow, its nice to read about someone else going through a similar dilemma as me. I feel like the only person in the world who has this internal conflict. Unfortunately my husband is saying adopt or nothing and I would love to have child #2 but with a small amount of doubt. Will my son be happy sharing mommy? Will my husband resent me if my wishes come true and I birth another child? Will I be able to physically and mentally handle two? Thanks for sharing. I no longer feel alone.
Tere // May 31, 2007 at 9:26 am
We really had no intention or desire to have another naturally. But circumstances and plans change, and we know we have to be flexible. We’ve always known we wanted more than one child, so it’s just a question of working out the details and feeling as sure as possible - it just seems like growing from one requires a lot more “consciousness” than starting a family, period. Hhhmmm… I have much to think about!
SJ // May 31, 2007 at 11:49 am
wow, great post. Going through this right now. In fact, I am currently in therapy (at the advice of an excellent midwife I’ve switched to recently) to understand and deal with the aftermath of physical problems I had with my son’s birth. But now that I am getting through those, the other realities of infant-hood come up too - we are probably going take the plunge - but it is so good to hear of others who also wonder/stress/ponder .
Leslie // May 31, 2007 at 6:09 pm
I remember the same type of thoughts while I was pregnant with #2. My son was so much fun to be with, and we made a nice threesome - were we doing the right thing? The answer was definitely yes. My two are 2.5 years apart, and now at ages 3 and 5 are best friends. The provide so much companionship to each other, we never looked back and all those worries were for baseless.
Jenny // Jun 1, 2007 at 8:30 am
Our second came as an “oops” and I had major fears on how to handle both, and the effect of the new baby on our first born. About the first months, in our experience: there’s no taking away the major needs of the newborn, including the sleepless nights, constant nursing, and general exhaustion. However, we also found ourselves going through it with shocking ease, relative to the first. No doubt due to the experience with our first.
Gabriel (toddler) does have his jealous moments, and yes, there has been a shift in our relationship because of the baby, but its not nearly as traumatic as I feared. I do mourn it a little though, to be totally honest. At the same time, the new love I have for the baby, the pride I feel in how Gabriel acts toward the baby, the love I have for the two of them making each other laugh, etc more than makes up for it.
I will add that I am a baby person, big time. So I have found the experience of a second baby really wonderful, and it has made me kinda want more. My husband is NOT a baby person at all, but has still found the experience to be wonderful, although more of a struggle than I have found it.
Bottom line: hard, but worth it. Of a similar magnitude as having your first but of a totally different quality.
Dayngr // Jun 1, 2007 at 6:06 pm
We knew from the start we always wanted to have two children. We’d hoped (and prayed) for a boy first and then a girl. Silly because you can never plan these things.
We had our children back to back. They are only 14 months apart. It wasn’t even a second thought.
Then, right before our daughter was born I started having terrible pangs of guilt. How odculd I possibly love another child like I loved my son? How could I force him to share us with a sibling? All these guilty feelings started coming to the surface.
Because our son was still quite young when his sister was born, there was no jealousy. We had been preparing him for the arrival of “his” baby. He had his own baby doll which he held and hugged and kissed and patted. Plus, we’d agreed early on that while I was busy with the new baby daddy would be busy with our older child - this way he never felt left out.
As soon as our daughter was born, all of those emotions we washed away. Our son loves his sister and it is so sweet to hear him ask where she is when she isn’t in sight for a minute. He adores her and she him.
Having another child is a monumental step but should you choose to do it know that there is never really a perfect time. There will always be another bill, another payment and other responsibilities.
Follow your heart.
PS. This is a great blog. Glad you linked to it from yours!
Tere // Jun 1, 2007 at 6:32 pm
You guys are all really making me think - and making me feel better, too. Thanks for such insight and openness…
manicmama // Jun 4, 2007 at 12:44 pm
I have just had my third kid. My experience is that the jump from one to two is much harder than from two to three. With one, when they sleep, you have a break. This is not possible when there are two little ones to think about.
If like me you are not an infant person, the baby stage does not get any easier (even third time round) but you get through it. It helps to know that it is just a stage by looking at your adorable older kids.
As long as you and your husband are agreed on what you plan to do then you can support each other. The dynamics of your family will change with another baby around, but as soon as you have had a child you can’t imagine a world without them.
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