When I was younger (around 10), I decided that I would have an unmedicated birth. Why my ten year-old self was so concerned with birthin’ babies, I’m not quite sure.
Looking back on it now, I wonder if some of that determination to have a “natural” birth stemmed from me being adopted and wanting a “real” birth…who knows?
Anyway, once I discovered that I was pregnant, my commitment to my natural birth was renewed and I read every book that I could get my hands on; I was going to be as informed as possible.
The months passed and my stomach grew and Caroline’s due date came and went.
A week after my due date, I went in for a NST and Cara had a major heart deceleration. My midwives decided that it was time for me to have my baby; I was already postdate and there was no reason to not induce me.
I was absolutely crushed. I had wanted no interventions and suddenly I was going to be induced.
My midwives started slowly with cytotec and nothing happened.
After three hours, they broke my water and the contractions started (but were weak) and they hooked me up to Pitocin. After eight hours of fast, hard contractions, I finally gave in and asked for phenergan because of the nausea. It did nothing for me. A bit later, I received an epidural and slept for a short time.
The night was over and when I was checked, I had stalled at five cm. It was determined that I would have a C-section since I was not progressing and hadn’t changed in almost five hours.
An overwhelming wave of guilt swept over me. This was not how my birth plan was written. Nowhere on that plan had I mentioned a section or an epidural. I felt a complete and utter loss of control.
After the spinal was administered (my epidural was not working), I was wheeled into surgery and at 7:59 am on November 3rd, Miss Caroline was delivered. God, she was ugly!
I nursed her in the recovery room and we went home two days later.
The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry and the end result is what matters.
I have a beautiful, intelligent daughter who is one of the biggest dorks I know.
It’s taken me quite a while to get over the guilt of having a C-section, but after nine months, the irrational guilt is waning and my grief over the “birth that might have been” is gone.
There’s always next time, right?
Photo graciously provided by the author, through a stock photography license, some rights reserved
[tags]pregnancy, birth plan, c-section, parental guilt, moving on[/tags]
9 responses so far ↓
Megin Hatch // Aug 23, 2007 at 5:30 am
Lucy turned 3 this summer and I still awaken some nights reliving what I remember of her delivery- She ended up being greeted by only medical personnel as I had to be put under at the last minute and hubs was scrubbed up in the hallway waiting to be told he could come in.
It sucked and I am still not over it.
My last was the most disappointing- but none of my 3 births went according to plan- seems I suck at birthing babies which I find utterly ironic seeing as only 1 pregnancy was planned.
I agree 100 % that only the end result matters. I hate that I can’t just let it go-
Whitney // Aug 23, 2007 at 6:10 am
Here’s a story- some of you know my husband is an OB-GYN.
I had an un-natural fear of epidurals. One of the residents I knew had gotten a “wet tap” from her epidural and had what was equivalent to a migraine for about 6 weeks. Being someone who gets migraines- the throwing up-put me in a dark room variety-I couldn;t imagine trying to learn how to be a mom with that kind of headache 24 x 7.
I ended up being induced with both James and John - pitocin but no epidural- some staidol IV, but that’s it. I’ve got 2 great boys- James’ speech and language stuff early on was the result of TONS of ear infections during those speech development times, not any epidural or anything else. Both kids have ADD, but I do, too- most likely genetic, not birth related.
We all have these “Baby Channel- Movie of the Week” thoughts as we approach the birth of our kids. As we find out later on, while raising them, real life does not always resemble the perfect world we see on TV.
My life resembles a sit-com more than movie of the week or “Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous” or “Grey’s Anatomy”or “Desparate Housewives” for that matter.
We have to forgive ourselves for not being perfect, and appreciate the daily stuff that is perfect- those little hands and toes, watching your kids “get” something for the first time, and realize we’re the only critic that measures so closely, and the ruler we use is totally skewed and useless. So, without trying to be harsh in any way, maybe we should try to stop measuring everything and just enjoy.
MeMo's Mama // Aug 23, 2007 at 7:14 am
congratulations on the birth of caroline and on your strength, courage and determination! i can only imagine the disappointment when you discovered things were not going to go as you had planned especially after all of your diligence and preparation! but the end result is your beautiful baby girl - hooray!
Tere // Aug 23, 2007 at 8:00 am
This is an interesting story for me. I wanted, planned and had a natural birth (of which I was nervous, but not scared), which thankfully was easy and quick; but I remember spending my pregnancy freaked out that I might need a C-section and praying that all would go well.
Now that I’ve been there, done that, I’m three times as scared of a natural birth and 10 times as scared of ending up with an emergency C. At the same time, though, if it’s what has to be done because there are complications, it’s what has to be done. No need for guilt when it’s a matter life/death or emergency.
I could imagine your disappointment, though, and I think I would feel the same. But don’t be so hard on yourself!
Carol // Aug 23, 2007 at 9:37 am
From start to finish, kids are all about the unexpected. Pregnancy and birth are just the beginning in a long line of things that are out of our control. In my experience, having flexible expectations is key to a satisfying parenting experience.
Lori // Aug 23, 2007 at 9:49 am
I understand this completely. I had planned a homebirth and my water broke at 35 weeks. Of course, we ended up in the hospital with a nasty, evil doctor and pitocin, epidural, the works! I feel guilty and cheated every time I think about it. We are started to plan for #2 and I just don’t know what to do. Should I plan for a hospital birth to avoid a 2nd massive disappointment or should I go with my heart and try a homebirth again? I am glad you’ve made peace, because every time I think I have, I find out I was wrong!
A. Tucker // Aug 27, 2007 at 7:07 am
All of your stories are so wonderful.
Thank you guys so much for sharing them.
SusieJ // Sep 8, 2007 at 6:49 am
My first child was a c-section, and I have found that all of the energy that Moms put into the grief they feel over not having the birth they wanted is a huge waste of energy. We forget, that the child too, has his ideas about how he/she wants to come into this world too. And we can’t predict, dictate, or control birth. It just comes.
After my first c-section, I ended up with two VBACS, back to back, with new drugs.
My fourth was breech. So, he came in with a c-section.
I’m proud of each birth story, as each event introduced me to someone wonderful.
C. Zimmer // Nov 29, 2007 at 8:50 am
I googled “being thankful for my c-section” last night and this link came up. What a blessing! You all have such great things to share. I actually used to google “getting over my c-section”, “unnecessary c-section”, etc… up until yesterday. But my perspective changed after 5 months when yesterday I got to talk to my OB. She is a big supporter of vaginal birth but for me, it just didn’t happen. And it’s taken me this long to move past it emotionally. I hope I can stay surrendered and thankful that my baby boy is beautiful and healthy.
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