The Poo has entered what may very well be my least-favorite phase.
The crying phase.
Every time she commits an infraction and I reprimand her - however gently - she bursts into loud, wailing sobs before I can even finish my sentence.
Yesterday she demanded that we turn the TV on for her, quite rudely. Her manners are apparently on an extended vacation these days, and her umpteenth sassy comment of the day finally drew our stern reactions.
I calmly tried to tell her that nice little girls ask for things they want politely, and she started to cry and scream.
“I DID ask nicely!” she screamed, arms stretched out for a hug. “PLEASE, MOMMY, DON’T YELL AT ME!”
The only person in the room yelling was her.
After a few more attempts to reason with her, her weeping got so out of control that it earned her a trip to the naughty chair and then her room for a time-out.
I found myself yelling by the end of the exchange, frustrated with her seeming inability to hear me.
Lately, this reaction occurs no matter what the infraction and/or the consequence. Her sensitivity is all out of whack - at least it seems so to me.
At the end of long days, when the wee babe in my belly causes my feet to ache and my patience to thin, I tend to believe she is doing this to punish me, to incite me.
In reality, I’m certain that she is simply trying out her emotions, learning to lasso them to get what she wants or to manipulate the world around her.
I know it is a developmental phase that will end someday, but in the meantime, I feel like the biggest loser at the crying game.
by A.L. Hatch
12 responses so far ↓
Chicken And Cheese The Crying Game // Jul 1, 2008 at 5:42 am
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Carl // Jul 1, 2008 at 6:37 am
My 2c:
When my kids did this, my first reaction was to tell them to stop, get themselves under control, etc. I slowly learned that they can’t do that, so my tactics changed.
Now, when they cry (or vent any emotion that I feel is excessive - anger, frustration, sadness, sometimes even glee!), I just sit quietly for a minute or so with my attention focused on them. Then I ask “are you back?” in a patient, even tone. I’m careful to never say that they did anything wrong - but I do want them to recognize that we stopped communicating during their outburst. We’ll start communicating again when they’re calm and collected.
Don Mills Diva // Jul 1, 2008 at 6:56 am
Uggg - I feel this. Lately my son will behave atrociously and then as soon as I start to correct he blurts out “Sorry mama, sorry, sorry sorry!” in a loud and aggressive fashion…I’m at a bit of a loss as to how to explain that this type of sorry doesn’t really cut it…
margaret // Jul 1, 2008 at 8:17 am
Meenie tends to over react like that as well. SO I usually wait quietly, asking her if she’s finished yet. Once the hysterics calm down, we discuss that well she’s carrying on like that we cannot discuss the problem. So we talk about not getting so upset (she still does, but has managed to learn how to calm down easier) and what the initial problem was.
With Moe, I just tell her I can’t understand her when she’s crying and yelling.
Hang in there!
Binky // Jul 1, 2008 at 8:58 am
Wow, are The Poo and The Boss on the same page or what? Mine has been unable to handle anything without crying lately. Crying that builds into a full-fledged tantrum. It is incredibly frustrating. I’ve associated it with the adjustment phase of big sisterhood, but it might just be a coincidental developmental milestone. Either way, it sucks. All the ways that I know are best to deal with it involve lots of patience and sympathy and I’ve got neither when her crying riles up Number Two and suddenly I have two screamers.
Am I totally scaring you yet?
Heather // Jul 1, 2008 at 9:46 am
Hey, sometimes I feel like crying when I don’t get my way!
When my kids were at that stage and crying uncontrollably, it helped me (and them) to just sit and hold them while they got those strong emotions out.
K didn’t have a little sibling when he went through that stage, so I’m not so sure it has anything to do with the baby…
nutty mummy // Jul 1, 2008 at 10:31 am
snapperooni!
We have one of those over here too… we’re nearer to 4 and no sign of a wind change yet…
Ah well…. there’s always the vodka…
Rayne of Terror // Jul 1, 2008 at 4:42 pm
It’s the half-year, two-step. 3 was a time fo great equilibrium for Poo and 3.5 is a time of disequalibrium. There’s a whole series of parenting books based on that - I think the title for threes is, Your Three-Year-Old, Friend or Foe.
Stu Mark // Jul 3, 2008 at 8:31 am
I have a very specific theory about this - and if you’re willing to try it, I’d be interested in hearing about your results.
My theory is this: Children, at a certain age, begin to be able to understand when they are being dismissed, and when they are being validated. I believe that children whose emotions are validated become more willing to listen. And when I speak of validation, that doesn’t mean giving in. I’ve had plenty of conversations with my kids (at various ages) where I said, “I hear that you’re angry, and it’s ok to be angry, it makes sense. You still can’t have a cookie, but if you want to be angry for a bit, I get that.” - I’ve found that this works a lot of the time, it takes a lot of the hot air out of the balloon. - Kids are smart, and they understand respect pretty early in life. A lot of what they crave is respect. (Just my opinion, your mileage may vary)
A.L. Hatch // Jul 3, 2008 at 8:36 am
Stu, we do that all the time. The new wrinkle is that she starts wailing BEFORE we even open our mouths.
We tell her we understand, and send her off to get herself together.
Of course, it is easy to recognize when she is genuinely hurt and when she is manipulating. The manipulation is what has been on the up-tick.
Stu Mark // Jul 3, 2008 at 11:33 am
Have you tried validating the need for attention - in other words, when you sense the manipulation, say things like “I know you want attention” or “love” or “whatever” - and, at the same time, talk to her about ways for her to get what she wants - For me, this idea of teaming up with my kid to figure out the problem seems to help. Obviously, not all the time, but some of the time, if I say to the manipulator, “Hey, I feel ya, you want this thing. Let’s figure out a way for you to get it,” it gets them to stop freaking out. Even if you’re not going to give them the thing immediately, the act of me showing them that they’re not isolated seems to be a bit of a salve.
I can totally empathize with the freaking out, with the preemptive crying/shouting, etc. And sometimes there’s nothing that will work. But when I tried the above method and it worked some of the time, that was a huge relief for me, to feel less stressed knowing that I had a better chance of reducing the carrying-on.
And, in case it needs to be said, my comments are provided with the utmost respect for you.
AmyL // Jul 4, 2008 at 8:04 pm
I agree that it may be an attention-desiring behavior, and second Stu’s recommendations. If my littlest guy starts acting up too much I can often soothe ruffled feathers by taking some time to just snuggle with him for a few minutes. I think it’s a concept from the Love Languages for Children book, although I haven’t read it. I just ask him if he needs his love bucket filled up and spend some time with him.
It started as a way for me to laugh at the frustration of it all, and I was a bit surprised when it actually started working with him. It takes effort, and I try to time it so as not to reward for behavior I don’t want. When we’re not at a confrontation point I ask if his love bucket is empty and then give him the hugs he wants. It helps, and he is usually able to be a lot more pleasant after that.
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