My wife and I have employed a parenting technique based upon the work of noted psychologist Carl Rogers. One of his approaches to psychotherapy, a technique still used today, was to talk as little as possible, allowing the patient to communicate freely, and when there was something significant spoken, Rogers would simply ask, “What do *you* think it means?”
When we parent, if there’s an issue, such as Hitting, Hurt Feelings, etc., we listen to the child, and then ask, “What do you think?” Then, depending on their response, either support it or offer an adjustment to their idea, or, on rare occasions, say, “Sorry, nice try, but…” and then detail what we deem to be the correct behavior/attitude/strategy.
While there are moments when the kids need a firm steering towards the island of Good Behavior, for the most part they get it. They may not arrive at the appropriate conclusion independently, but if we simply ask them to think about it and to talk about how they think, to share their experience, their perspective, the kids seem to want it more. Certainly they seem to want it more than if we just lay down the law.
Now I get it, certainly there are times for law-laying-down. Sometimes the rules are too complex for them to develop a coherent perspective. Sometimes they are tired. Sometimes they are just plain obstinate. But we find that the more we empower them, the more we include them in the decision-making, the more we extend them simple respect, they rise to the occasion eagerly.
Also, they see that the faster they cooperate, the faster we shut up and the faster they get to go back to their lives. Hey, whatever works.
by Stu Mark
Photo graciously provided by Esther Kirby, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved
2 responses so far ↓
Anita B // Sep 22, 2008 at 9:24 am
Didn’t know there was a name for it, but I’ve been doing this for quite some time. It works, even in my 2 year old son and the 3 year old whom I nanny, although on a slightly smaller scale. The point is you can start it when their young and don’t have much of a language capability and then progress from there. Of course I use it to a more difficult degree with the 3 year old, but my 2 year old can understand enough to answer my questions as much as he can. Other people kind of look at my parenting style when we’re in public and give me strange looks, but who cares? I sure don’t.
Thimbelle // Sep 22, 2008 at 11:55 pm
We probably aren’t as effective with this technique as I wish we could be.
It does seem to work nicely however with one of our other “teen-relevant” themes, which is:
If you want to be treated like a grown-up, you must first ACT like one.
Stops a lot of teenage garbage, really fast.
Thim
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