I’ve been living with a two-year-old for a month now, and I’m not yet sure what to make of it. I really hate parenting cliches, so “terrible-twos” is something I let in one ear and out the other. I’ve always preferred an explanation I read in a book once: that babies/toddlers/kids go through periods of equilibrium and disequilibrium, and which period they’re in depends on what they’re going through developmentally. This makes much more sense and is way more appealing to me than “terrible twos”.
I honestly don’t know where Max is right now – it seems like one day there’s equilibrium, and the next there isn’t. I admit, though, that for all my reading and researching and asking and observing, I have no clue what to do with this kid when he’s acting all out of sorts and my patience runs out.
The truth is, everything he does that gets on my nerves is perfectly normal: he’s testing boundaries and discovering his independence. And philosophically speaking, I’m all for it. I try to encourage him to learn to do things himself, and am happy to let him push buttons before he must be stopped and disciplined. The problem is that whenever I get into discipline mode, it’s like he could care less and just keeps going, really keeps pushing buttons, and I end up a frustrated mess who yells and is irrationally angry.
I know it’s wrong of me to get to that point, and to get there so frequently. I know it has a lot to do with my own temperament and the way I was treated as a child. I know it has to do with working all day and being alone with him until the evening (when Daddy gets home), and how exhausting that is day in and day out. But there is a point for me where I go from feeling like Max is a normal kid who needs both encouragement and boundaries (and therefore being easygoing about the whole thing) to feeling like he’s manipulating me and just willfully being a pain in the rear (and therefore being a nut about it).
Is that possible? At the age of two, can a child know that he’s got your goat and continue doing what he’s doing that’s driving you mad? I’m inclined to believe so, to believe it’s all part of the development he’s going through, especially when I see Max smile as he does it and stop abruptly when he realizes I’ve reached the end of my rope – but I want to know what you think.
And then I need to know what to do about it.
How did you handle (or are you handling) the discipline challenges of raising a toddler? We tend to practice Positive Parenting (mainly because it’s compatible with our way of thinking), and I think I have a decent amount of knowledge as to what methods are the *best* ones for achieving my parenting goals (namely, to raise a kind, intelligent, creative, respectful, socially conscious, funny human being). My problem is that I pretty much lose it when I’ve tried everything and the boy is still throwing blocks at the TV, or climbing onto the coffee table, or trying to climb onto the back of the sofa. I’m usually good up to about the seventh or eighth go-around in a half-hour span, and then it all goes downhill from there.
Perhaps as Max is suffering the “terrible twos”, I am suffering the “terrible, clueless, first-time momminess”.
by Tere
[tags]kids, children, toddlers, parents, parenting, frustration, terrible twos, get your goat, stress, equilibrium, patience[/tags]
Photo graciously provided by jenn_jenn, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved
11 responses so far ↓
IntheFastLane // Oct 17, 2007 at 12:30 pm
Jack Jack turned 2 in June. Most of the time I still work at the “tell him no and then distract him with something else.” But, sometimes I can tell that he is deliberately pushing buttons, like when he throws hard blocks at his older brother and runs away laughing, only to return to throw again. When he does this, I have instituted very short time-outs where he has to sit with me, or dad, and then apologize. Time will tell if this will work.
FFG // Oct 17, 2007 at 1:07 pm
I know that it is much harder as a working mom. By the end of the day, you are frazzled. Plus, he gets a different set of rules with the person who takes care of him all day than he gets with you. It just isn’t easy on either of you.
I think the main thing that works is being consistant with what is acceptable and what is not (difficult not to just let it go a few times) , distraction works once in a while, or when the situation is bad removing the temptation. I take away the toy/item or just pick her up & take her to the other room until she calms down.
SJ // Oct 17, 2007 at 2:07 pm
ooh, i have a 2.5 yr old. it is tough. and i’m pregnant. which means that sometimes I feel sort of extra frazzled – recently I just had to go into my room and shut the door for 30 minutes (my husband was home at the time, so I wasn’t just leaving the kid alone).
we do short time outs on a lap, at which point he promises to behave but very often does not then behave.
a few things that have seemed to help:
1 – he is going through a growth spurt and is hungry all the time. hunger seems to be a trigger for particulary difficult behavior, so we are being very open to snacking while trying to keep it vaguely healthy (offering carrots and grapes and yogurt) but at the same time he just needs food so sometimes ANYTHING he will put in his mouth
2 – being sure of my consequences before I say them – trying never to threaten something that I can’t follow up on (so, timeout if you throw that cookie, but not no snack if you throw that cookie, see point #1)
3 – giving timeouts to toys or things if not used/played with properly – I will often set a timer for 15 or 20 minutes when I do this. the good part is that this usually means that the item is forgotten by then, and I am more comfortable with long timeouts for toys than little boys!
4 – deciding which battles to fight – my son is allowed to climb on the coffee table and sit, but not to stand on it – same for the radiator and windowsill.
5 – if all else fails, try a change of scenery – it’s amazing how sometimes just getting out of the house can help diffuse a difficult situation.
6 – do fun things – plan easy age appropriate outings (for us, that’s the science museum and zoo, where we have memberships) or visits to friends with kids – this has the side benefit of getting you out of the house too!
7 – naps!!! room darkening shades work wonders, plus a routine.
AmyL // Oct 17, 2007 at 2:56 pm
I’m a huge fan of the Love and Logic techniques, especially the version for young children. It looks like it’d fit in very well with your Positive Parenting stuff. One of the biggest keys to the L & L strategy with littles is to give them choices. Constantly. Like “do you want a hug or no hug?” at bedtime. You give them as many choices and control as you possibly can, over as many situations as you can. But you always frame the question with 2 choices that you can live with. Like “Do you want to wear the blue socks or the red socks?” Notice the assumption that the child IS going to wear some socks.
It takes some practice to get used to talking that way, but it really does become natural pretty quickly. And then when you have a moment where you need to be in control you can say “You made a lot of choices today, this one is my turn. Thanks for understanding.” No joke, it works. I had to go hide the first time I tried it because I was so stunned that they went along with it that I was laughing.
Good luck!
Slouching Mom // Oct 17, 2007 at 3:22 pm
I agree wth AmyL. Choices are key — anything to give that child some measure of control. After all, it’s hard being two. Everyone else but you is determining how your day will go. Offer choices whenever possible. Corn or peas? Bath first or story first? Library after lunch or before? I found this so very helpful.
Jenny // Oct 17, 2007 at 4:01 pm
There’s a few things we’ve realized through the two’s.
While we basically do things depending on the degree of (mis)behavior, its more an art than a science. But generally:
When things are going great, the best preventive act (for us at least) is to kinda parrot what Gabriel is doing. He’s all happy playing with legos, and I’m reading a book or nursing the baby, I still stay, fairly frequently, things like “you are building with legos” “oh you just put the blue block” “where are you putting that one?” Not praise, just parroting. It lets him know he has my attention, even as I go about my own things.
Now let’s take it to the next level. He starts doing something (or I can tell he is about to do) that he shouldn’t. Like, let’s say he starts playing with the TV. That’s when I use choices. “Gabriel, you can’t play with the TV. But you can play with play-doh or you can color. Which do you want?” This usually works.
Now let’s say he won’t leave the TV alone. He says no play-doh, no colors. TV!!!!!!! The next step is totally removing the distraction. I literally carry him to the play room and close the door (or use a gate, whatever) and stay in the room with him. I don’t get upset (or look upset anyway), its all very no big deal. If he’s crying, I just ignore it, nonchalantly point out a bunch of toys, and then just sit there or I silently start playing with a toy myself. I don’t try to sell him on it (look! look at the toy! how fun!) cuz that just begs for resistance.
Now let’s say its just one of those days. He skipped his nap and is acting like a nut. Starts crying, he just won’t stop the insanity. At that point, I get down to his level, look in his eyes, try to be as compassionate as possible, and voice his frustration. “I know baby. I understand. You are frustrated. I understand. You’re okay” and I just hug him, carry him, hold him, rock him, etc.
Almost every time this series of reactions works. If, in the rare occasion, on top of everything else, he refuses to be held, then I just ignore him. Let him have a meltdown, and I literally leave the room, and, most importantly, stay completely and utterly silent through it
Jenny // Oct 17, 2007 at 4:12 pm
Oh wait, I just realized something else about choices that is important! (And I just used it right now). Try to match the choice with what he is doing that he shouldn’t be doing. Like, he wants to hit his brother. We say, “You cannot hit your brother. We don’t hit people. If you want to hit, you can hit the couch or the floor.” If he’s touching all the TV buttons we say, “You can’t touch the TV, but you can touch your books, you can touch the refridgerator, you can touch the table.” This is really useful!!!
Megin Hatch // Oct 18, 2007 at 5:57 am
I love two… LOVE it! 3… three I could skip in a heartbeat.
The choice thing is perfect I think. We still use it with our -6 and 7 year old as well as the 3 year old.
The example of blocks at the tv would play out like this at our house… “That’s not safe. Someone or something will get hurt. Your choice is to build with the blocks or to put them away until you can build with them.” Then if he chucked them again: “I’m really sorry you made that choice, why don’t we read a book?”
Have you heard my mantra? “It’s just a phase….it’s just a phase… It’s…”
Please keep up posted!
-Meg
nan // Oct 18, 2007 at 9:57 am
YAY all of the above, I was going to say. They saved me plenty of time! With a toddler, crankiness is usually caused by hunger or tiredness, and a serious routine often helps to get eating and naps organized.
Yes, he is pushing your buttons. He wants to know what the rules are. I mean, what they REALLY are.
I took a picture of my godson throwing a tantrum recently, and showed it to him with suggestions : “I THINK you need to kick your legs more, and maybe yell louder! Try throwing yourself to the ground and beating your fists upon it.” Now, whenever he starts to warm up, I say “oooh! Should I get the camera? Oh, come on, puh-leeeze?” it works like a dream! I get a *look* that would curdle milk, and he becomes Mr reasonable. Of course, I seldom dealt with my OWN toddlers with such grace or humour. But they are all over 6 now. BLISS!
Tere // Oct 18, 2007 at 8:00 pm
Wow, guys, these comments are amazing. I’m grateful for all these tips and encouragement.
I’m working on it and will continue to do so. For now, thanks to all. I’m sure I will in fact be updating as things progress.
Kim Lefko // Mar 24, 2008 at 1:59 pm
Tere, I’m going through the 2 year old phase right now with our daughter. And the irony of this phase for my husband & I is our attitude toward it…so we are trying to find humor in calling it the “tremendous twos”. Sometimes a change in attitude is all it takes. The joys of parenthood!
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