My 12 year old daughter was born an adult.
She was giving us the stiff arm minutes after she was born, as if she had more important business to attend to, and, we were making her late with all the cutting the umbilical cord nonsense.
Even when she was as young as two, adults would often remark that they found themselves speaking to her as if she were “one of the gang”.
No, she wasn’t one of those obnoxiously precocious little kids, either.
You may think I’m bragging, but, I’m really not. Sometimes we just sit around saying, “Wow. We made her?” Because, seriously, we’re not half as cool, or, smart, as she is.
Though she is mature, she has never been one to be into things that are “too old” for her, and, she has a great perspective on her age. She is up to the task of being in junior high, and, playing competitive sports, but, she is also just as happy playing kid games at home with her younger brothers.
So, it’s been easy for us to (subconsciously, I suppose) assume that she would escape the typical symptoms of being a teenager.
Wrong.
It seems that almost overnight, her friends have become interested in boys, and, what they call “dating”. Though she’s not directly involved with a boy, she’s right in there analyzing every situation with her friends.
I like her friends, and, there’s nothing dangerous or untoward going on, I just feel like their interests and discussions are a little too advanced for the 7th grade. But, what bothers me the most, is that she doesn’t act like herself around them, and, I think she knows it.
On one hand, I know this is typical development, but, on the other hand, I know these things aren’t what she’s interested in at age 12, she just wants to keep up with her friends.
I know she’s getting older, and, as far as I know, I don’t really have a problem with “letting go”. I just hate to see her act like someone she’s not, and, the changes are so subtle, I have a hard time putting what I am seeing into words.
But, she’s a smart one, she’ll figure it out.
I just hope it’s before she moves on to whatever the next phase of typical teen behavior is.
[tags]parenting, teens, teenagers, romance, growing up, stages, spreading wings[/tags]
Photo graciously provided by Meredith_Farmer, under a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved
7 responses so far ↓
Megin Hatch // Apr 25, 2007 at 3:18 pm
“She was giving us the stiff arm minutes after she was born, making her late with all the cutting the umbilical cord nonsense.”
This is such a great description.
Can I just say that I am anxious to see what discussion comes of this. I am years away from the teen years, but I am always anxious to fill my tool box.
Parenting is a lot of worrying strung together over the years. I know that there is a lot of other junk thrown in, but sometimes it seems like worry is the main ingredient- even if you consider yourself to be pretty laid back!
cce // Apr 25, 2007 at 4:11 pm
I think as parents we love our children so much that we hate to see them shrug off their true identity in order to be cool with their peers. Afterall, this identity their shrugging off is one we helped to create. It’s hard to watch them compromise themselves for acceptance but it’s human and it’s natural and sometimes it helps to remember the compromises and desperate attempts at fitting in that we made as children to remember that we came out of it unique, grounded people with adequate amounts of self esteem. This too shall pass.
Doodaddy // Apr 25, 2007 at 4:38 pm
Having only experienced this age as the cool uncle-type friend-guy (but now looking forward with dread to my own tween-to-be), I can only suggest that the more you’re able to let her experience these awkward years without interference, the more she’ll come back to you to seek out your advice. Sounds like you’ve already come to that conclusion, though!
Stu Mark // Apr 25, 2007 at 8:17 pm
Ugh, really, it doesn’t get easier. My daughter is Positive that she knows better than us. And now she’s almost twelve and it gets a little tiresome. It’s our own fault, we fed her on a strict diet of “You’re awesome” and “You’re the greatest,” so we sleep in the bed we made.
Having said that, most of the relationship with teenagers is letting them do their own thing, and respecting it blindly. Obviously you say no to booze and drugs and unprotected sex or whatever, but if they want to dye their hair pink, hang with them while they do it, get into it. And if they give you the finger, praise their courage. That’s all they really want, to feel like they’re not weird.
So if her thing is dating, and you trust her, then share it with her. Get into it, show her all the great parts about romance. Help her see that she’s smart enough and funny enough and pretty enough to date who she wants. Help her pick clothes out, help her pick nail polish out. Heck, I’m a guy and that’s what I do with my daughter. And yes, that’s just on the outside. I’m still a red-blooded male parent who is *freaked out* by the prospect of some dumb male putting his paws on my precious little angel.
Barb Desmarais // Apr 25, 2007 at 10:00 pm
I have two teenagers but my eldest will soon turn 20. When she was 13 & 14 I have to say I really didn’t like her very much and was disappointed by her choice of friends. She too was acting in a way that I knew was not authentic. When she turned 15 something happened and she woke up. One her own she realized she had a choice of being with these girls who offered her very little or choosing friends that were bright and interesting to be around. She could be herself and she loved how it felt. I got my daughter back.
When she looks back on those two years she says she has no regrets. She’s glad she went through that phase and learned about herself in the process. Although I didn’t know it at the time she said she was lying to me all the time about where she was and one day vowed that she would never again lie to me again. She has grown to be a self-assured, mature, sensible, fun-loving young women. I couldn’t be more proud of her. Teenagers very often need to try out different personalities and ways of being. It all passes.
Bluegrass Mama // Apr 26, 2007 at 6:11 am
My 12 year old is pretty much the same way. The only thing saving me right now is remembering that our 21 year old was pretty miserable through much of the teen years and he’s turned into a pretty great person.
IntheFastLane // Apr 26, 2007 at 8:25 am
My 12 year old has also always had an “old soul” as we called her. She has always seemed mature beyond her years, but that is why this boy stuff is driving me batty. I just keep hoping that the values that she has will be strong enough to overcome the hormone insanity that is flooding her peer group.
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