For those with teenagers, seeing a sullen expression on the face of your maturing cherub is heart-rending. The once jolly smile is gone, the once hearty, care-free giggle is long gone, replaced by a stone wall of defiance, with occasional flashes of deep thought.
My son is almost 15, and we are experiencing some of this teenage sullenness. Oh, what to do?
My theory: He’s not being sullen because he wants to be sullen. He’s sullen because he hasn’t be taught any other way.
So, time to teach.
When I catch him talking to another family member in a sullen or sarcastic or otherwise mean tone, I point it out to him, taking the opportunity to teach him about sweetness. Remembering to validate first, I say “Dude, I hear that you’re not happy to do whatever it is that you have to do, but you’re coming across as surly. Here’s your chance to practice being sweet. Say the same words, like “Ok, I’ll remember to close the bathroom door,” but instead of sulky voice, try saying it in a sweet way.”
I’m not saying it’s working perfectly just yet, but it’s the best approach I’ve got. Any other ideas?
[tags]teen, toddler, siblings, brother, sister, parent, sweet, moody, son, daughter, teach, stress, parenting [/tags]
Photo courtesy of Cozette via flickr, used under a Creative Commons License.
8 responses so far ↓
Suldog // Dec 18, 2006 at 8:27 pm
Other ideas? Drugs.
No, just being facetious. I think you’ve got the right idea, all the way, Stu.
Mr. Fabulous // Dec 18, 2006 at 10:26 pm
Electric shock therapy?
Military school?
Caning?
Man, I should SO be a parent…
Stu Mark // Dec 19, 2006 at 3:19 pm
Thanks Sully! I sincerely appreciate the encouragement. And, for reals, he’s a great kid, just a teenager, which is sorta like croup for you folks without older kids.
Megin Hatch // Dec 19, 2006 at 6:07 pm
Have you done the honest talk thing? I know you’re a big fan of that. I think I’d ask- (and you have to be careful of the tone when you read this- it might read snarky, but it’s not) How might you feel if your mom and I spoke to you like that all of the time? I find it exhausting and depressing and it makes me feel like______.
I don’t speak to you that way, and I’d appreciate it if you didn’t speak to us that way either.
(I am still glad that I’ve got several years before I jump into teen-hood!)
Stu Mark // Dec 19, 2006 at 9:17 pm
Megin,
Absolutely! A great approach.
I indeed have done the (almost) exact sentence framing. Most of the time it works. We try to talk that way in our house, “Hey, this was my experience of your action.” This works in that, when I say something like that to my son, he responds right away. He apologizes, he nods his head, he gets it. And really, he is an awesome kid, sincerely. I’d hold him up against any 14 year-old on the planet, he’s that good. Which, I guess, is why the sullen thing drives me batty. If he were a lesser kid, if he were ill-mannered or disrespectful or whatever, sure, I get the attitude. But this “sullenness” that I experience (as does the rest of the house members, child and adult) so goes against his grain, it hurts doubly so.
Rob O'Daniel // Dec 29, 2006 at 9:48 pm
Hey Megin, that approach sounds very “Love & Logic” to me. We’re adopting from Russia, so I’ve been doing lots of prep reading. I really enjoyed the L & L book and also watched the videos. L & L seems like a very sensible methodology that mirrors the upbringing that Dede & I had as children.
jen // Jan 3, 2007 at 4:08 pm
My son is 13- and I’m a fan of “ya know when you use that tone of voice with me it gives me a headache, and if I get a headache I’ll go to my room and rest [and I’ll need the TV (phone, stereo) off]/I won’t be driving you to a friend’s…]”
Stu Mark // Jan 3, 2007 at 4:33 pm
Jen, that is an awesome idea! I will incorporate that into my strategy. Thanks for the tip, and thanks so much, sincerely, for reading.
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