One of the parents who writes for GNMP posted a a thought-provoking essay on fairness and how his efforts will effect his children on the long-term. I urge you to read it if you haven’t, as fairness is a pretty common concern for parents and children alike.
After I read it, I thought about one of the comments on this essay, the reader saying that, for her family, “fair” was like other four-letter words, verboten in her house. In our house, we do things differently. Not to say better, just different. And the difference is this: For the most part, we let the kids use the terms that best fit their emotions, especially when it’s important to them. So if they stop in the kitchen and see an empty jug of chocolate milk in the recyclables, we think it’s ok for them to say, “Hey, there was chocolate milk in the house and I didn’t get to have any! No fair!!”
While I might not care if I miss out on chocolate milk, if I were 7 or 10 or 12, it might seem like a huge bummer. And so if they cry “unfair,” I would use their word respectfully, saying “Yeah, I hear ya. You missed out on chocolate milk. That seems unfair to you, I get it. But let me give you my opinion: It would be unfair if I hid it from you, or if we waited for you to go to bed and then drank all of it in a debauched frenzy of chocolate milk bingeing. But really, it was there in plain sight for the past two days. You had plenty of opportunities to see it. And, it’s not like they’ve made chocolate milk illegal. I’ll pick some up again real soon.”
If my kid hasn’t fallen asleep by the time I’ve finished that speech, at least they’ll be pretty sedated. So they’ll be mellow enough to hear and comprehend my respect and to give the cry of “unfair” some real thought.
And sometimes it isn’t chocolate milk, and sometimes I’m not being fair. Sometimes I’m wrong and the claim of “unfair” is upheld. When that happens, I apologize gracefully and hope to all that is holy that they learn from the experience and become a little more mellow.
by Stu Mark
10 responses so far ↓
InTheFastLane // Oct 6, 2008 at 6:45 am
This would work with my oldest. W/ my 9 yo, no amount of logic or reasoning or acknowledgment of his feelings will placate him. Just the way he is, I guess.
Stu Mark // Oct 6, 2008 at 6:50 am
ITFL,
Yeah, I hear ya. All kids are different. My youngest has a surprisingly well-formed ego, so she doesn’t display much need for our approval. My son likes validation, but she seems to just not give a fig about how we see her or behave around her. Makes parenting a bit difficult, but on the other hand, we worry less about her.
What do you do with your oldest? If logic or reason don’t carry weight, what does? What are your strategies for dealing with his requests for justice?
InTheFastLane // Oct 6, 2008 at 6:55 am
With my 9 year old, sometimes we just acknowledge that we have heard him and there is nothing we can do to change the situation. But, often, he will continue to argue the issue and at some point we have to just tell him, yes life is unfair, but I cannot listen to you complain about it any longer because I have other things to do. I try to make sure I have heard him out, but once I realize that there is going to be no end, I find a way to exit.
Anita B // Oct 6, 2008 at 7:18 am
All good advice! Reasoning works on my 3yo, but the only thing that works on my 2 yo is firm re-directions-so stubborn-just like his dad!
Thimbelle // Oct 6, 2008 at 1:39 pm
Ah - the teenager’s battle cry: “It’s not fair!”
The stock reply at our house is simply this: “Sometimes, life is NOT fair.”
Because that’s the truth. Life is not always fair, or reasonable or happy.
BUT we also talk about how we should remain positive until we just can’t anymore. We encourage Twinks to remedy the unfairness that she can, and to let go of what cannot be changed. And we encourage her to always think about way to change an “unfair” into a “fair” the next time around.
Does it always work?
*Most of the time*. And with a teen in the house, sometimes that the best you can hope for!
Stu Mark // Oct 6, 2008 at 1:43 pm
Thim,
Again, my refrain is “validate.” No matter what the follow-up is, I find that validating first sows the seed for a mature resolution. Now, that’s just me and my family, and I get that everyone is different and every family dynamic is different, but I didn’t want to miss an opportunity to say “validate,” ’cause that’s my mantra. Soon there will be t-shirts.
As for teenagers, I totally hear you. Sometimes hope is all you can hang your hat on.
STL Mom // Oct 6, 2008 at 8:50 pm
Should I be flattered or horrified that my comment led to an entire post by Stu disagreeing with one of my parenting actions?
I do think that validating my children’s thoughts and emotions is very important. I try to never tell them that their emotions are inappropriate or wrong.
However, their words and actions can be inappropriate, no matter how they feel. At my house, “It’s not fair!” has become a shorthand for an entire range of negative emotions. I’d rather hear that they are angry, or jealous, or disappointed. If they use that language (and sometimes they need help finding the words) they get a better response than if they pout, scream, or yell, “It’s not fair!” for the 10th time in an hour.
And then, sometimes I just get annoyed and make them stop, no validation included. Not perfect parenting, but usually good enough, I hope.
Stu Mark // Oct 6, 2008 at 9:02 pm
STL Mom,
I hear you about the annoyance - my kids are gold medalists in being annoying. I definitely wasn’t trying to pick a fight, I was just thinking about our house and how we do our best to deal with them on their level, regardless of how annoying they get. It’s incredibly hard, and we’re very hippie-dippy about stuff like this, so I’m not saying we’re right. I just like discussing stuff like this, because people who think differently then me help me learn. And maybe your way is better - certainly my wife and I have been talking about your method for the past few days. So, there’s that, for what it’s worth.
STL Mom // Oct 8, 2008 at 9:58 am
Stu -
I was just joking about being horrified. Actually it’s quite flattering that you read my comment and thought about it and related it to your own parenting style. That’s what I do when I read the articles and comments here.
A great thing about GNM Parents is that the writers and commenters do have different ideas and opinions - it’s not just people with the same parenting philosophies preaching to the choir.
This fairness issue is a tough one, because I don’t want my kids to grow up to be whiners who complain that they never got a break. On the other hand, I do want them to be adults who work to fixing the great injustices of the world.
If I don’t respect their sense of fairness now, they might not learn to respect other’s need for fairness and justice.
This parenting job is not easy!
The Great Debator | GNMParents // Oct 15, 2008 at 12:02 pm
[…] Stu’s post, last week, talked about “validating.” And I agree with Stu that this is important. And I do this with my children. But, there are some children, for whom validation is not enough. They need victory. My mom frequently tells me that with my brother, she would listen and respond with statements such as “you are right, however…” or “I understand how you feel but I need you to…” or “regardless…” But, my son just takes these as an opportunity to ratchet up the argument a notch and keep it going. Most times with Dash, the only way to end a debate is to declare it over. Unfortunately I have found myself saying things like “because I said so!” and “because I am the one in charge here!” In my not so negative moments, I just simply state that I have listened to him and I understand his feelings, but we are done discussing the situation. I give him a choice of complying or not, but he needs to understand what the consequences of non-compliance is. And then I am done. […]
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