I never expected to stay home after my daughter was born. I had eight weeks maternity leave, and I arranged for a schedule that would allow me to work from home two days a week when it was time to go back to the office full-time. I lined up my mother to care for The Poo, and I enjoyed my two months with our newborn smug with satisfaction that our daughter would be in loving hands when I left her to earn my keep.
Then it was time to go back to work. And the first day I dropped her off with my mom, I cried all the way to work. I cried in the bathroom. I cried in my cubicle, tissues pressed to my mouth so my co-workers couldn’t hear the crazy post-partum mess that was the former marketing communications manager they used to sit next to.
Long story short? My husband and I looked at our daughter, our finances and each other and decided that I would quit my job and stay home.
That was almost two years ago, and as the time goes by I never, ever regret that choice. But there are days when my head feels like it will explode if I have to paint one more time or fold one more teeny, tiny sock. So I have a babysitter who comes twice a week, and I leave the house.
I do work, freelancing for a few small web clients here and there, but the volume of my work is such that I can, with a little effort, complete it during The Poo’s naptime.
I use my sitter just to leave the house. I go to the coffeeshop and write, or read a book. I run errands that are exponentially easier without a toddler, like grocery shopping or taking my pants to the tailor. I almost always wear make-up and dry my hair on the babysitter days.
I am a mother. I am a mother who still needs to be a civilian, sometimes, too.
How about you? What is your take on moms who don’t work, but still have a regular babysitter? Do you think I am short-changing my daughter?
[tags]Stay at home mom, mom time, alone time, babysitting, SAHM, motherhood, going back to work [/tags]
Photo courtesy of Peter Lindberg via Flickr and used under a Creative Commons license.
14 responses so far ↓
Kristen // Dec 5, 2006 at 6:10 pm
I’m surprised that more moms DON’T get a sitter. I didn’t have any family around so I used mine 2x a week for 6 hours total — dr’s appts, grocery shopping, anything… it was great.
Now that I have family around (VERY CLOSE — ahem), I don’t use a sitter, but I used to work as a mom’s helper (the mom would still be there, I’d just play with the kids while she got stuff done around the house) and I think it’s great.
We need breaks — there’s nothing wrong with that. It makes us better parents when we can take time for ourselves. And it’s really not that costly.
Amy // Dec 5, 2006 at 6:25 pm
Kristen, I agree. I was a mother’s helper in college, too (separated at birth are we?) and the mom was there a lot. She had five kids, and I was like the goaltender.
I don’t know why anyone wouldn’t do this for themselves - and - for their kids.
Binky // Dec 5, 2006 at 7:02 pm
The main reason why a mother wouldn’t do it, I would think, is money–or the lack of it, to be more precise. That’s why I don’t have a sitter, though I would love, love, love one. I had a mother’s helper this summer, but that was solely to work on a big freelance project that was bringing in enough money to justify the cost of the high school girl we selected. If I start bringing in more freelance work, I think I can justify a sitter, although that would mean that I’d probably have to be working on those jobs whenever the sitter was occupying the baby. I don’t think just getting out for the sake of being alone is in the cards for me until the kid(s) is (are) in school. All that aside, I don’t think I would get along very well with the kind of person who thinks you re short changing your daughter by spending a few hours a week relaxing and rejuvenating.
Erica // Dec 5, 2006 at 7:55 pm
If I knew someone and reliable and had some spare money, I would do it, just for a couple of hours.
Amy // Dec 5, 2006 at 8:43 pm
I use part of the money I earn from blogging to pay for my sitter. It is a luxury, I know. But after five months without a real break, it became, for me, a requirement for sanity.
Peter Lindberg // Dec 6, 2006 at 8:44 am
Hi! Glad that my photo could be of use.
Peter Lindberg // Dec 6, 2006 at 8:48 am
And, I think it sounds like an excellent solution. I think that even for working parents, having time off from one’s kids once in a while is very important. Staying at home with them full time of course makes it even more important.
Erica // Dec 6, 2006 at 9:11 am
Amy - If I ever
start earning money from blogging that is what I’ll use it for (folks feel free to buy through my amazon links haha!)
Megin Hatch // Dec 6, 2006 at 2:42 pm
I think a plausible alternative for folks who are short on money is to set up an exchange. I will have your kids on Tuesday morning- you take mine on Thursday
I am lucky to have family nearby and we help each other out.
I also have an uber supportive mate who fully supports mom-time in order to maintain my sanity and be a better mom.
Great post, Amy!!
Barb // Dec 6, 2006 at 3:42 pm
You’re not shortchanging your daughter at all! In fact, because you’re “filling your cup”, you’re better able to be the mom you want to be with your daughter.
I’ve considered having a mother’s helper many times - making jewelry is very difficult to do with an infant or toddler in arms, and a 4 year old trying to help. Money has been the issue for us (my business is just now starting to kick in and make some money) in the past. Friends and I have discussed doing the kind of exchange Megin posted about, but it just hasn’t happened because of our inability to get schedules to click.
I do live in a college town, though, and will be going to the school next semester to see if anybody is interested in being a mother’s helper to an attachment parenting, homeschooling mom.
Maybe somebody who will take jewelry in exchange?
Amy // Dec 6, 2006 at 4:46 pm
Oh, me! Me! I’ll take jewelry in exchange! MMMM … sparkly things …
Barb // Dec 6, 2006 at 5:58 pm
LOL! Do you live in Northern Colorado?
mother in israel // Dec 7, 2006 at 8:26 am
I did it with my older kids (my six range from 16 down to 2) but no more. Not just because of the money, and now my older kids can watch the younger ones after school if I need to. But because I learned to appreciate the intenseness of being with them all the time, and I found ways of meeting my adult needs in other ways while still being available to m children. I like a challenge. Now I only go out when I have a specific reason, and I don’t leave under twos without a family member except in an emergency.
Becky // Dec 9, 2006 at 2:05 pm
I totally agree with Binky on all accounts. We don’t have the money to hire out a sitter, but we have family close by. But, you know what, I would love to use a sitter just to have some ME time. I hardly ever get that. I usually only ask family to sit for us when we have plans or engagements to attend…not when I just need a break. This is a great post and I think most moms will agree with you. I strongly believe that every mom needs to have time to just be with themselves and feel that it helps us keep our sanity. Raising kids is hard work (not that you didn’t know that) and it is too easy to lose yourself in your duties as a mom & wife. I am trying to find the balance in my life and find out what I want for myself. Thanks for this post!
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