This week I kicked off a new writing project on my personal blog. It’s another new effort to stay committed to a promise I made myself a few months ago. Inspired by x365.org, I will write 36 words about 365 people over 365 days. 36 because that’s my age. The process of developing a list of 365 people was exhausting. At times I had a face, but for all the chocolate in town I could not find the corresponding name. But then I finished and jumped in.
I am excited and energized by this project and am enjoying putting together so few words to pull out a memory. After I posted the first stanza, I forwarded it to my husband. I didn’t say too much about it, except “maybe I can stick with this one.”
And that stuck out for him. And here’s where he took it:
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Rob: I just wonder what carrying around the baggage of our previous failures does for us? It seems that we make it difficult to escape the gravitational pull of our own shortcomings. Awfully hard to be “better everyday” if we don’t give ourselves permission to do so.
Me: Yeah, I think part of the feelings in the last week stem from not being able to be the me I became briefly. Unsustainable. With nothing to say.
Being home is sometime harder than it should be- especially when you don’t succeed or don’t feel proud of what you do- because you suck at it.
So, there’s that.
Rob: You say “unsustainable” and perhaps you are right. It is not possible to sustain amazing every single day. It is also not possible to sustain it by yourself. You need support. You need to know and feel comfortable stating what it is that you need to sustain “you”.
You were not some other “you”. You have not been some other “you”. You, my dear wife are “you” with all of your beauty and brilliance, flaws and failures. You measure yourself unfairly. You talk about sustainability, perhaps you need to have a plan for sustainablilty? Who is supporting you? Who is lifting you up? Who is giving you time to “be” instead of feeling like you have to “do”? When do you get to reflect, pray, think? What recharges you?
Home is hard.
I don’t know what your measure of “success” is.
It is ok to suck at your job some days, but you don’t suck, you have sucky days.
And then, believe it or not, he got even gooier.
And this is why I hang out with him. Because he doesn’t let me wallow. He asks me questions that make me think and own the solution. He reminds me that I make choices about how I spend my time and who I chose to surround myself with. He reminds me that like inactivity and dullness can be contagious, so can excitement and energy. He echoes what I tell my 8 year-old son: chose to be with people who help you feel good.
Negativity is fully draining. Both exuding it and absorbing it brings about a whole new level of exhaustion. The poor me party is one that no one, no one wants to come to.
So, parents, what lifts you up? Who supports you and how to you chose to support yourself to become healthy and balanced so that you can do the job of parenting to the very best of your abilities?
by Megin Hatch
Photo graciously provided by Assbach Photography, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved.
6 responses so far ↓
Slouching Mom // May 21, 2008 at 4:23 pm
Negativity is fully draining. Both exuding it and absorbing it brings about a whole new level of exhaustion. The poor me party is one that no one, no one wants to come to.
This is so true. My friends support me through the highs and lows of parenting. But really? The only one who can support me 24/7? Is me.
Megin Hatch // May 21, 2008 at 4:38 pm
I really understand. So how? How do you do it? And if you’ve fallen then how do you lift yourself up?
catnip // May 21, 2008 at 5:33 pm
I saw your twitter about that this morning and wondered what was up. I think it’s a combination of things that lift me up.
My husband does by encouraging me to go out with my girlfriends often. My MIL does by taking my boy for a full weekend once in a while, so DH and I can have time together.
I do for for myself by doing the best I can on my freelance gigs, and then feed off the praise (and new contracts) that I get in return. Even connecting with strangers in the blogging community helps me know I’m not alone.
I also do a little volunteer work in my community and I’ll tell you, there’s nothing like seeing the hardships of others to make you appreciate the good things in your life.
I find I’m a better parent if I take a step back sometimes and do what I need to do to be a whole person. Not necessarily the “me” time like taking a bubble bath that everyone talks about, but showing my son that I’m so much more than just his mother.
Sorry this comment was so long! Your post really had me thinking. Thanks.
Megin Hatch // May 21, 2008 at 6:40 pm
Catnip-
Well, thanks for coming by to see what was up and sharing your thoughts about how you’re lifted up. Coming in ahead of deadline is a great one, I appreciated your tweet.
The whole person thing is exactly it, I think. And part of that is knowing that at times you have sucky days and sometimes you need lifting.
That lifting can come internally but sometimes I need some help-support-space to get over it. And I’m lucky to have time with girlfriends to unwind and decompress.
GNMParents helps and writing and other interests help, and connecting with strangers online is a huge part of what can lift me up. And that seems strange to people who haven’t had that experience.
You have really given me some nuggets to think about. Please don’t apologize for the length of your comment. I’m thankful that you have joined in on the conversation here.
Hope to hear more from you soon
-M
InTheFastLane // May 22, 2008 at 8:51 am
My girlfriends are good for this, but it is the things that I do outside of motherhood that lift me up. Running, writing, hiking, being outside in nature….these are the things that lift me back up and make me whole. Sometimes it is just about being alone and finding some peace. It often brings me a different perspective.
Slouching Mom // May 22, 2008 at 9:18 am
Hmm. Well, it’s only very recently that I’ve been able to be a support for myself. It took me becoming more self-confident, internalizing what others said about me as opposed to my own longstanding voice of negativity.
I think it comes with age, actually. I have felt much freer and more comfortable with myself since turning 40.
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