My thirteen year-old son, who I adore, seems to be in a funk lately. Instead of swimming being a fun activity, it’s now "stupid and we do it all the time." He would love to go to an amusement park, but that’s not an every day activity, to be sure. When asked to come up with other things to do, he doesn’t suggest all that much. He seems to be at that stage in his life when all challenges seem too difficult, or as if something is always getting in the way of what he wants and needs.
As his mom, I see this alternately from two different perspectives. One is that each of us has to learn to deal with disappointment, and has to learn to solve our own problems, or ask for help in doing so. When he’s non-communicative, I simply can’t know what is going on with him, which also means I can’t help, either. The other is the more compassionate, nuturing and soft side, which wnts to make it all better for him, gofix his problems for him, and protect him from these "hurty feelings" he is having.
This is that point in young adulthood when everything seems to hurt or go wrong. When nothing seems bright or fun or interesting. It’s like suffering from terminal boredom, with no real hope for parole any time soon. It pains me to watch him go through this, and I so badly want to, and try to guide him as I can. But part of me is constantly exasperated by the Eeyore-like moods and inability to see a way out for himself. I want him to become more of a master of his own destiny, rather than bouncing along the waves of life, up and down, with no seeming direction and purpose, good or bad. And I want to be able to keep my reactions to his snippy answers and eye-rolling under reasonable control as well, because that alone has me getting ready to tear my hair out.
And I know this is something he has to learn for himself, in large part. Yet it is very painful to watch from the sidelines. I see myself in his eyes at that age, and just wish that the journey is not too painful, and leaves him with plenty of home and joy on the other side.
How many of you have teenagers? Is this angst and moodiness normal? When does it go away, if ever? What have you done to make this transition to adulthood easier for you kids? What advice can you give me? Any help or advice would be awesome, as I live through the Summer of Eeyore.
Photo graciously provided by Storm Crypt, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved
2 responses so far ↓
inthefastlane // Jul 17, 2008 at 5:51 pm
normal, normal, normal. According to my 13 year old daughter, going to the beach with parents is boring. But with friends it is fun. I find that if I let her know I am willing to talk, she will, on her own time. But she clams up if I push.
Erika Sparks // Jul 19, 2008 at 6:36 am
This reminded me of something I read in Robert Bly’s “Iron John”, and after poking around in Google search I found Bly’s source, as well as a thought-provoking analysis of this time in a teenager’s life, where everything slows down and turns inward:
“The Private Life of the Old Northmen” (starting in the middle of the page, about the Cinder-Biters): http://snipr.com/cinderbiters
“Ashes Time for Teens” http://defoore.com/ashestime.htm
Leave a Comment