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Every 6-8 weeks, I try to go away by myself for a weekend. Even before we completed our adoption, Peter and I agreed that I would take time off once in a while as compensation for the weekends he’s on call at the hospital and seldom makes it home.

It’s easy to explain to K and M, age 5 and 4, that it’s Papa’s turn to take care of sick people all weekend. It’s hard to explain that Mama simply wants a little peace and quiet. However, since I usually go to the bed-and-breakfast owned by friends, I say, “I’m visiting Janet and Adam. Remember Janet and Adam?” We make a point of visiting for a weekend once in a while as a whole family, so they always remember—and approve.

Supporting our kids’ emotional responses to my absence takes work. After all, we adopted them from Russia only 17 months ago, and they’d been in orphanage care for 18 months before that. In their short lives, they’ve had two abrupt changes of parents. While it might seem cruel for M & K’s “forever Mommy” to up and leave every so often, we believe my vacations strengthen their faith in and attachment to us: after all, Papa gets to shine while I’m away; and I always, always come back.

I was away for three full nights this past weekend teaching at a writer’s conference, and here’s how we managed it.

First, the week prior to my departure, I did some of the kids’ favorite things with them. We went swimming, dined at their favorite restaurant, played outside, cuddled and tickled and chased a lot. My intention was to create happy and loving memories.

Second, 48 hours before my departure, I told them I was going away. I use this interval because they accept it best. When it’s so far ahead that we count down on a calendar, they worry. I did, however, use the calendar to show them which days I’d be gone. I also made a point of showing them all the birthday parties they’d attend during that time!

Third, we traded favors: M and K agreed to feed my fish if I “took care of” stuffed animals they’d send with me. Together, we made a chart on which they could cross off the feedings, to count down to my return.

Fourth, I made drawings of our family doing fun things together (evoking faith that we’d be together again), which I placed in separate envelopes to be opened one per night that I was away.

Then came the day of my departure. Because of my drive time, I had to “hand off” to Nancy, our beloved sitter, in the early afternoon. We overlapped by about thirty minutes, during which time I put the kids down for their nap and said goodbye. Since our morning routine always includes discussing plans for the day, K and M knew that this was going to happen. They said goodbye warmly but casually, knowing Nancy was in the house. Nancy is a grandmother many times over, and there is nothing we don’t trust her to do.

While I’m away, I usually ask someone to photograph me with the kids’ stuffed animals. I email the photo home for Peter to show the kids. I also call home at least once a day. Peter reports that even voice mail messages are a huge hit. I did both these things this past weekend.

After three nights away, I returned yesterday. As I’d hoped, there was no fanfare: life had gone on here as usual, and nobody was surprised to see me.

Do Peter and I need to make all this effort? We think so. The one time Peter slipped up and didn’t show K & M my drawings or pictures or play them my phone messages, K woke up crying at night and M frankly didn’t believe I had come home even two days afterwards. Do other parents need to make this effort? We have no idea.

What are your thoughts? Do any of you folks take time away from your children? How do you prepare?

by Deborah L. Blicher

Photo graciously provided by ennor, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved.