I do something different, and I sincerely ask you, dear reader, to comment with an opinion as to whether you agree or disagree.
I don’t hover over my kids’ schoolwork.
What I mean is, at least for the first quarter of every school year, I leave them alone, other than the occasional “How’s school going?” or “Need any help?” or “Any tests or projects you want to show me?”
At the end of that quarter, if they did well, I stay backed-off, though not as much. However, if they perform less than their best effort, I become a much deeper presence in their academic lives.
This quarter, my kids’ are each getting almost all As. One kids is getting a B and the other is getting two Bs.
Is my practice a mistake, or am I teaching them a valuable lesson about trust and self-reliance, as well as giving them a gift of a quarter of a school year with a more relaxed atmosphere, where they are allowed to be themselves…?
Seriously, this is one of those parenting things that keeps me up at night. They do real well in school (for my tastes, at any rate). They normally average a 3.75 GPA, give or take a few hundredths of a point. They’ve never had a quarter with less than a 3.5, either of them.
I’m not bragging - heck, some kids get a steady 4.0 GPA. I know somebody who graduated with a GPA that was actually *higher* than 4.0! So I realize that my kids are much closer to the median. My question is, should I push them harder, even if it would create more stress for them?
Please, I’m askin’ you for real, give me your opinion.
by Stu Mark
[tags]kids, children, parents, parenting, school, homework, tests, studying, GPA, Grade Point Average, effort, trust[/tags]
Photo graciously provided by indoloony, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved
6 responses so far ↓
SJ // Nov 19, 2007 at 7:00 am
Leave them be - they sound like they’re managing themselves well - maybe see if the subjects with the B’s need some attention or extra help.
my parents did not hover over me, but they did over my sister (granted, I did have the generally ‘perfect’ GPA, and she was chronically late with homework, etc) - but I think even if I didn’t do so well I would have HATED the hovering - also this is part of preparing someone to be an indepedent adult - fulfilling the responsibilities expected of them.
My son is so independent already (at 2.5) that I can’t see him letting me hover either.
nan // Nov 19, 2007 at 7:23 am
“By 50’s standards, kids today have pathologigal levels of anxiety and depression.”
I can’t remember where I read that, but I do know that MY parents, and THEIR parents, never checked their kids’ homework. It was never a huge stressful issue, the way it is today.
So here is my method: if a child (Chas, the hyper wild-thing) is having problems staying focused and really needs me to sit and read out the work, I do it. But Chas has matured a lot and can now deal with most of his workload on his own. I have never hovered over Sam.
These days, the kids all have a shower and Max and I hop into bed for a snuggle and story. (our school has a “no homework till grade 2″ policy!) Chas and Sam are left alone to do their homework for about 20 to 30 minutes. If there is anything they need help with after that, I sit and help them. If not, I hang around the kitchen, tidying up around them. (of course, we have proper lighting, a box of supplies, the list of class phone numbers for them to call when they have forgotten what the math was, snacks…) At bedtime, they have to stop and go to bed! This keeps them from farting around and snacking all night, because they have PLENTY of time to get it done if they focus.
The big boys do the easy stuff while I am with Max, and then ask me for help if they need it. Usually, “help” means “read out these sums so I can write them down more quickly”! I also make them do over if it is totally illegible. I love cutting stuff out for projects, and looking up in reference books, too! We make the whole process as stress-free as possible. But USUALLY, I don’t even look at what they are doing, because it is not my responsibility… It is theirs.
AmyL // Nov 19, 2007 at 9:31 am
I agree that you’re doing the right thing. Much better to show the kids that you trust them to be responsible. That builds them up. As long as you’re there to help if they need it, and checking in occasionally I think you can sleep at night.
IntheFastLane // Nov 19, 2007 at 9:36 am
I have a 7th grader and a 2nd grader. We do have rules like no TV or computer until homework is done. The 7th grader does not require any hovering. We do occasionally remind her to ask for help on math (my husband is a math teacher). But, she is pretty independent and unless we see grades slipping - I think it is better for her to be independent. When she was younger, we did hover a little bit more, but she has always been on the responsible side.
My 2nd grader does not require help with his homework, but his teacher requires that we check it and sign it. So there is some hovering needed. He does his homework (all 4 minutes of it) in the kitchen while I make dinner.
I think that independence is a good thing to foster, if kids are ready for it. Especially if we are looking to send them to college. I think that kids are plenty able to create enough stress for themselves and if they have shown that they can be responsible and independent, we shouldn’t add more stress.
Karly // Nov 19, 2007 at 6:13 pm
I think your approach sounds great. Your children are doing well and you are rewarding them by not causing undue stress in their lives. As long as they are doing a good job, let them be kids and leave ‘em alone. If they start slipping, then step it up a little. Explain to them that you are willing to give them independence if they handle it well. Surely they will want to keep that independence and work for it.
Amberlynn // Nov 28, 2007 at 5:44 pm
You’re doing just fine. If your kids can handle getting good grades in school on their own, then let them. They’ll seek help if they need it (from you or elsewhere).
I don’t remember my parents hovering *ever,* even after they discovered I was failing a few classes at midterms. (I pulled them up to A’s or B’s by “real” grading time.) I graduated with great grades.
The only source of homework pressure my parents gave actually worked very well. They said, “If you want to go to college, you’ll have to earn a scholarship ’cause we can’t afford to pay your way.” That was a huge motivator for me, personally. (I did get scholarships, but I’m still paying off student loan debt…)
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