Our son M was two and a half when we met him at his orphanage in Moscow. When we brought him outside to the playground, one of the first things he did was pick up a stick, assume a shooting stance, and yell, “Ba-ba! Ba-ba! Ba-ba!” like a machine gun. That’s right: he was just a toddler, and he didn’t have a toy gun, but he was pretending to shoot one anyway.
In this GNMParents post, Amy Bailey says her reading indicates that most little boys show interest in weapons. I agree with her. I also notice that the adults in Amy’s family seem to be as horrified as the adults in ours that our boys talk about fighting and killing and seem to have an instinct for using weapons. We live in North America. We might not feel so horrified if we lived somewhere else.
While Peter and I were in Moscow, we saw dozens of well-kept war memorials. Our translator explained them all to us with pride, the facts rolling off her tongue as if they were everyday knowledge. In contrast, Peter and I live near Boston. I’m sure neither of us could explain Boston’s history to a visiting Russian, and we certainly couldn’t do it with pride. We both grew up near where we live now; and though we were educated in school to understand Boston’s historic significance, we were educated at home not to value war; or, by extension, those who fight.
The teenage boys at our children’s orphanage dressed neatly, spoke politely, stood up straight, and looked adults square in the eye. Our children’s oldest foster brother gallantly muscled through his tears to carry their luggage to the car. Watching him pose for one last photo, I thought, “This boy has already soldiered through more than most people twice his age.” If he were to go for military training, I wouldn’t be surprised. The younger boys, admiring him, might do the same.
When M, now four and a half, marches around with an object he calls a gun, we teach him to play safely and be fair to “unarmed” people, but we don’t discourage him. When he announces he wants to be a “sholdier,” I ask him why and listen to his reasons: They get to shoot guns. Oh, and they help one another. Though I remind him that soldiers always have to follow instructions and sometimes have to hurt people, I don’t indicate that his choosing a life in the military would go against everything I was raised to believe. After my experiences in Russia, I think I ought to pay more respect to our country’s warriors, especially if one of them turns out to be my son.
Photo graciously provided by Kyle May, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved.
5 responses so far ↓
Anita // Oct 28, 2008 at 7:54 am
I used to be adamantly opposed to gun play, but since having a boy, I’ve realized that it’s inborn! I am a sahm with one boy, but I also nanny another. They are only 2 and 3, but they already play gunfight. I have since given up on the subject and am going to allow them their fun. You’re right, though. In the past couple of decades, we have grown to look down our noses at those who choose to go into the military. I think we should start a movement to change that perception. Thank you so much for defending our country!
Rob // Oct 28, 2008 at 9:50 am
The issue of gun play has certainly become one of our modern parenting challenges.
What I appreciate about this post, is your willingness to be open, regardless of what ideas you might have brought to your parenting. You are being responsive to the uniqueness of your child, his culture, our culture and the culture of others. It seems as though you have found a balance that is supportive of each of those elements.
I imagine that this will support you well as you and your child grow and face other decisions.
Thanks for sharing.
Nan // Oct 28, 2008 at 9:59 am
Nicely said! I have been trying to write a “serious” post for some time about spanking, bullying, and the fights that I see boys getting into. It’s a hard one, because no-one wants to say “Well, you just punch that bully in the face, honey”. Our generation has become a little over-protective of our boys, perhaps. Maybe they know instinctively that they may, one day, have to fight to protect their sisters and mothers. Are we right to discourage their “learning play”?
Debbie Blicher // Oct 28, 2008 at 10:23 am
Anita, Rob: Thanks for your support. I was worried about posting this entry.
Nan: Actually, our rules about real violence are different from our rules about pretend violence.
“Use your words.”
“When words don’t help, tell a grown-up.”
“Just because he’s using bad behavior, it doesn’t mean you have to.”
And of course, “If somebody touches your private parts and it isn’t us or a doctor, scream as long and loud as you can. If it doesn’t help, then fight as hard as you can.” So far, M seems able to distinguish among these situations.
We have so far explained war as a situation in which grown-ups tried to use words and it didn’t work, so now whole countries are fighting.
M is at heart a lover rather than a fighter. We think his sister K, a year older and adopted at the same time, is the one who’ll be beating up the bad guys.
AmyL // Oct 28, 2008 at 7:57 pm
Hear hear! I grew up in a household where Bambi was considered too violent, so having 4 boys was a bit of a shock early on. I’ve gotten used to it now.
With 4 sons, the likelihood of military service is fairly high so I appreciate the notion of increasing our respect for our soldiers.
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