On our last visit, you and I, we discussed my daughter and her behavior. Y’all gave me some great advice and I did some heavy thinking. In the end, I have (to some degree) learned that this is my thing, my issue, as she’s acting in an age-appropriate manner. I forget that a lot, and my expectations are so high (because she’s so mature and intelligent), but I need to soak it into my cranium that I need to remember that she’s only twelve. And for a twelve year-old, she’s staggeringly great.
But I do have one sticking point, and that’s really why I hope you’ve made it to this paragraph. That sticking point? Respect. I want her to respect me. She doesn’t need to agree with me, and she doesn’t have to be overly happy with me (especially when I ask her to do something that she doesn’t want to do), but I’m done with the eye-rolling. I bust my buns for her and I think it’s fair that she treats me with some regard, some level of value.
First, is this expecting too much? Or is she ready to take this next step, to become a person who respects the person who washes her underwear?
Second, if I’m on target and she’s ready to cross the bridge into treating me with civility, then I had an idea, which I put into motion, but I wanted to check with all of you, to see whether you thought I did the right thing or not:
The last time she rolled her eyes at me, I stopped, asked for her ear, and then said this: “Listen. I see you with your teachers. I see you with your grandparents. You know how to pay respect to a person. What I’m asking of you, as a favor, is for you to pay me at least that much respect. I do enough for you that I could ask for more in return, but all I’m asking is for you to pay me some respect, to keep the eye-rolling thoughts inside your head. You don’t have to love me, but for me, as a favor, could you please treat me with some amount of appreciation…?”
She acknowledged this, with a nod. And so far, she’s been fine. But if she rolls her eyes at me (or gives me that dismissive wave of her hand) again, should I keep asking for respect, or should I just leave it alone and accept that this is age-appropriate?
by Stu Mark
[tags]kids, children, parents, parenting, help, assistance, teenager, tween, no, respect, regard, value, stress[/tags]
Photo graciously provided by AriaFotografia, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved
14 responses so far ↓
Ginger // Jan 7, 2008 at 6:40 am
Stu, I couldn’t agree more. It is the main thing my son and I butt heads over — respect. The interesting thing is, there is so much disrespect for parents, authority, rules, etc. in the media that I swear my child doesn’t even know when he’s being disrespectful (sometimes). I love your idea about asking for the ear — I’ll have to try it. I have indeed asked for the same respect as his teachers, grandparents, friends. He’s better, too — he’s 12 1/2 — but I do believe it is something worth sitting hard on them about for the next 12 1/2 years or so! Good luck! How old is your daughter?
Thordora // Jan 7, 2008 at 6:46 am
I’m not there yet with mine, but we do get a fair bit of that from my four year old already. I have to ask-have you ever demanded it from her? As in-you want to be treated X way, then here’s how it works?
My father never asked for my respect, but he got it. The old “you can be mad, but be polite” bit ruled the house.
I just wonder if maybe you’re being a little too much like a friend to her, so she thinks she doesn’t have to treat you like the other adults in her life? I know if someone just asked me for respect, they likely wouldn’t get it. But then, I’m a contrary little cuss.
A lot is the age as well. I’d say back off, demand respect in certain situations, but remember she’s 12, and the world, she is a changin…
Carl // Jan 7, 2008 at 7:57 am
Stu, my family is coming up on that same situation, but my daughter is a little earlier.
Like you, I recently recognized that she is asking in an age-appropriate manner; it’s me that expects too much. And my focus, too, became basic inter-human respect, civility, etc.
I’ve been using basic repetition as a method for behavior change. The kernel to all of it has been making her do it again (whatever it is) in a respectful tone, with proper facial expressions, body language, etc. When we started, it was a bit of an ordeal because I would make her say her part (let’s say we’re discussing bedtime) again, and again, and again, until it was right. Each time, I would provide positive reinforcement on the parts that were right, and explain what remained to improve. Of course, my wife got very frustrated when my daughter would shout a simple “I’m not tired!” over her departing shoulder and I would turn it into a 1/2 hour acting lesson. However, after a few weeks, it got much shorter. Now, when she starts the attitude, a simple reminder such as “Excuse me?”, or “I expect you to speak to me with respect”, will immediately bring her into line.
A couple of key points that helped us:
- She learned that just because she feels it on the inside doesn’t mean that she has to show it on the outside.
- I learned (as someone mentioned above) that our kids have a lot of influences, from music, to TV, etc. that are dismissive of authority figures. If we want them to learn how to show respect, we have to teach them, and that starts when we show respect to others, including our children.
IntheFastLane // Jan 7, 2008 at 8:04 am
That is a tough one. I would have to say that respectful behavior is the rule on our house. Sometimes our kids mess up and we let them know that disrespect is not tolerated. We tell them the same thing, they don’t have to agree, but they can’t act in a way that is rude. I think that learning to disagree in a polite was is a life skill.
But, I am wondering if this is more an issue between you an her? Or does she act this way with your wife as well? I am just wondering if the step-parent issue is raising its ugly head? Because it does sound like she is respectful to most other people around her.
AmyL // Jan 7, 2008 at 11:55 am
Definitely a tough issue. My older boys are only 9, so I don’t know what ‘age-appropriate’ is for 12yos. That said, we’ve taken the approach of explaining that respect is treating someone like they’re important. I haven’t had issues of eye-rolling, but I was speaking to some adults the other day at church and one 9yo wanted to show me something. He was so excited about it that he actually hit me on the arm to get my attention. Pretty hard. I reacted by saying “hey” rather sharply, and then told him that he was being disrespectful and that he had to wait his turn.
Later I talked with him more calmly and again explained that what he wanted to show me wasn’t going to disappear in the time it took me to finish listening to the other adult who was speaking. Even though it really was pretty annoying, I’m trying my best to use mistakes as teaching moments. He wasn’t being disrespectful because I’m not important to him, it was more impulsive.
I did a quick look last summer at all the shows the kids enjoy, and the vast majority of them either portrayed adults as dolts, or children solving all of life’s problems with no adult assistance/supervision. Removal of most of those programs did result in some improvement.
It occurs to me as I’m typing that the eye rolling may just be an attempt to push buttons-a skill that all children seem to perform exceedingly well. Rather than demanding her respect, how about just quietly asserting yourself? There’s something to be said about expectations. If you expect that she’ll be respectful, that has some impact.
Also, what about injecting some humor into the situation thus disarming the button? One of my boys was pouting and slouching along as he walked toward me when I announced lunchtime. I sent him back to his room and asked him to walk that walk again. This time, I ‘coached’ him on how to make it more pouty. Then I sent him back to repeat, and when he showed up I suggested he shake his hips as he walked. When he wasn’t sure, his brothers and I demonstrated. The 4th attempt had him hiding a smile as we suggested a supermodel walk, and threw in “shake your bootie!” at the end of it. That’s when he finally gave in to the laughter. We had a good tickle fight, then I got a happy boy walking to the lunch table instead of a sad one. He lost a way of irritating me, and we all had a good laugh.
Megin Hatch // Jan 7, 2008 at 12:48 pm
I MISSED YOU ALL!
Welcome back!
Here’s my opinion-
Regardless of whether or not it is age appropriate you should absolutely expect it of her. Expectations are good. It is age appropriate for my 3 year old to throw a heck of a tantrum, but that doesn’t mean I don’t dig deep to provide her with the tools she needs to learn to express herself differently. I don’t brush it off and expect her to eventually stop all on her own. She needs the tools.
Respect is a sticking point for me. In my now 8 years as a parent I insist upon it from all 3 of the Punks. Does that mean I always get it? No. I do however expect it, and work with them (sometimes in the moment, sometimes after the heat of the moment) to express respect. Sometimes it seems like it’s all we do
Like AmyL, we do inject a lot of lighthearted humor into it as well.
Sometimes I think we are talking our kids to death. Humor helps.
In my experience (albeit with the younger set) it pays to consistently expect respect. They still sometimes need a reminder (a throat clearing or “pardon?” is usually enough), but often times they are able to self correct.
I have thought of having t-shirts made that say “It’s not always what you say, but how you say it.”
Who knows if I’ll be singing a different time during the tumultuous teen years? I dunno.
Was she more respectable as a youngin’?
Lori // Jan 7, 2008 at 7:08 pm
here’s my two cents - i demand respect in public. my kids must show total respect for their dad and me when outside the home. however when in the home i truly believe in openness, safety, experimentation and finding their voices. after a disrespectful tone, i will share my reactions without judgement and inevitably will receive a sincere apology. honest back and forth and clear expectations, respect for their ability to choose and carefully picking my battles enables me to take each experience on its own. i do believe they need to experiment to try their voice and then make the choice of what is right for them.
Stu Mark // Jan 8, 2008 at 9:31 am
Ginger - thanks for that. Also, my daughter is 12. And our conversation seemed to have made an effect, she’s been really respectful the past few days. And with nothing to gain. So we’ll see, maybe the combination of backing off the accelerator (accepting her for the 12 year-old she is) and asking for respect as a favor might have payed off.
Stu Mark // Jan 8, 2008 at 9:34 am
Thor,
You’re comment gave me my next column. Yeah, you’re probably nail-on-the-head right, I’m probably too friendly with her, which makes it hard for her to accept it when I put on my parenting hat.
On the other hand, she’s turning out magnificently, and I’m trying to teach both my kids that our home can be 100% fun and smiles if we all do our little parts to accept the less than perfect. So I’m caught.
Thanks for the thought, it really hit home for me.
Stu Mark // Jan 8, 2008 at 9:37 am
Carl,
First, thanks for reading.
Second, great tips. Definitely some solid concepts there.
Third, about the media and disrespect, wow, that was an eye-opener. You’re right, but I had just never considered it. I watch what she watches on tv, but it’s almost entirely Disney channel, where every show ends with a moral lesson and shows the viewer that disrespect leads to unhappiness for everyone.
However, she also watches MTV and E and other channels/movies, and so I really see how she might think that the princesses on tv (Britney, Lindsey, I’m looking at you) have it wired. So thanks for the heads up, I’ll explore it.
Stu Mark // Jan 8, 2008 at 9:42 am
ITFL,
Yeah, the step-dad thing might be a thing. She’s too young to have deep perspective on it, but she’s smart enough and mature enough for me to prompt her about it, to ask her if she has any sense of my step-dadness and her view of me vis à vie her biological father.
All good questions and points for reflection. Thanks for that, it really helps.
Stu Mark // Jan 8, 2008 at 9:44 am
AmyL,
The humor thing, that’s key in our home. We resolve most unhappiness on a jokey note (except when not appropriate - like real pain or whatever)… So your idea is a solid one. I can be a little humorless when it comes to disrespect. I’m the one who needs to change. I’m the one who should be age-appropriate.
Thanks!
Stu Mark // Jan 8, 2008 at 9:47 am
Meg,
Missed you too! Can’t wait to read your next column.
Yeah, I especially am guilty of talking my kids into a stupor. I’ve been working on it this year, with my wife’s loving guidance.
On the other hand, it teaches them to talk, to be comfortable expressing themselves. And I so believe in that value. So I won’t become a shrinking violet, I’ll just ease off my professorial nature.
Stu Mark // Jan 8, 2008 at 9:53 am
Lori,
I’ve tried that approach (for about a year or so). My oldest is fine, but my youngest (on the outside) couldn’t give a fig about my feelings concerning her eye-rolling or whatever. This is why I’m at where I’m at.
We normally let the kids do what they want in the house (save certain house rules: no ball-playing, no disrespect, no spitting, etc.). But that disrespect thing, it’s tough. I don’t judge, I don’t call her names or treat her with disrespect as a response. But just telling her that it hurts me doesn’t seem to penetrate her force field, er, ego.
However, as I said in an earlier comment, the conversation where I asked her to pay me respect as a favor seemed to work (at least temporarily).
What I need to do now is reward it. Not just with being less professorial around her or being less hypercritical, but also with a specific special “thing,” as she’s twelve and still reacts to “things.” It might be a trip to Abercrombie, it might be a specially cooked meal, it might be a stuffie. But both my efforts to be a better person to her as well as a “thing” are in order.
Thanks for reading! Thanks double for sharing!!
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