A year and a half into this at-home dad gig, I thought I’d finally proven myself in the eyes of the playground moms. They see me every day, have gotten to know that I’m good with their kids, fun to talk to, and, in at least one case, even worthy of friendship.
Having become so comfortable with my job, though, I forgot how thin is the ice of stay-at-home fatherhood.
A new family visited my usual playground this week, and their 3-year old girl came up to where Boo and I were playing in a little group at the top of our slide. As usual, I started to engage the newcomer in our game: in this case, we were pounding on the platform like a drum, making music, singing and dancing.
As soon as we’d started playing as a group, however, the new girl’s grandmother rushed up underneath us and shouted “Slide! Go down the slide, Jessica! Time to slide!”
Jessica was reluctant to leave our happy group, which apart from Boo and me included two other kids and a bored-looking nanny on her cell phone. Nevertheless, “Go down, Jessica! Go down!” was grandma’s continued command. I glanced down to dissuade the grandmother and was surprised to find that she wasn’t looking at her granddaughter — she was staring at me.
Now, I’m just about as harmless as they come: bespectacled, clean-shaven, and generally a little smeared with marker and avocado in that way that unmistakably reads “parent.” But this grandmother clearly didn’t want her charge playing with my baby, despite the fact that we were in plain view and there were plenty of other adults around.
Jessica remained unwilling to leave our little drum circle, so her grandmother climbed the stairs, picked Jessica up, and quite forcefully plopped her down on the slide. Putting a brave face on, I shouted “Bye, Jessica!” as she forlornly sank from view, and then I smiled at the grandmother as warmly as possible. Not returning my smile in the least, she bustled back down the stairs to collect a confused Jessica.
Thankfully, as stay-at-home dads enter the mainstream we face less and less discrimination. But like members of many minority groups, I frequently feel a subtle standoffishness, although it rarely bubbles through into intolerant behavior. And also like many other people affected by prejudice, I find that my only weapon lies in working just a little harder to earn trust. By the end of our day on the playground, I’d demonstrated so much good parenting sense (within easy earshot of grandma) that she relented and let Jessica play with our little tribe, which by that point had grown to eight kids and had moved on to bubble making.
Before Jessica’s grandmother left the playground for the day, she thanked me for entertaining Jessica so thoroughly. It struck me that grandma probably wouldn’t have noticed “how good you are with them” if I’d been a mom and not a dad, but I was grateful all the same. I suppose that’s the bargain we make, entering this unusual field: men trade a little suspicion that we’re not going to be successful at-home parents for a lot of extra credit when we manage to carry it off well.
[tags]kids, children, parents, moms, dads, public park, slide, comfort, patronizing, playtime, love, fun[/tags]
Photo graciously provided by pQbon, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved
9 responses so far ↓
Thordora // Sep 20, 2007 at 2:12 pm
My husband deals with this all the time. It’s slowly getting better as he makes a habit of certain times and parks, but he still feels that apprehension and wariness for no reason.
Bill // Sep 20, 2007 at 4:46 pm
I think some women are so unfamiliar with involved fathers that they assume that men who are involved with kids must be a little bit ‘off’.
My brother is a SAHD and encounters this all the time, it drives him nuts. I’m expecting my first and all I get from women is how clueless they think fathers are and how guys can’t take care of kids. We’re moving in on their turf and they don’t like it.
Chris // Sep 21, 2007 at 7:32 am
I’ll let you in on a a dirty little secret about that apprehension you sense. It’s not about you being unable to care for or entertain kids or some sort of turf issue. It’s about the fact that the majority of pedophiles are male. Until I’m sure that a man at the playground is a father/uncle/grandpa, I too am a little wary about what he’s doing there. Even if he is playing with a child that appears to be his, until I hear words like, “Daddy,” I keep a more careful eye out than I would if around another woman. This prejudice is even promulgated in books like Protecting the Gift that suggests teaching children that if they are lost, to “find a mommy or a teenage girl.”
It is grossly unfair and discriminatory, but instead of assuming that moms in the playground are apprehensive about your because they assume you’re an incompetent dad, understand that they’re really more concerned that perhaps you’re NOT a dad.
Stu Mark // Sep 21, 2007 at 7:51 am
I hear ya DooDaddy, I hear ya. I get this a lot and it took me a while before I truly accepted that the apprehension was warranted and valid. It still sucks, but so does stepping into a deep rain puddle. It’s not the rain’s fault, nor the hole that was filled with water. It’s natural and normal and totally sucks. Hang in there, brother, we menfolk who mind the babies are just as valid as the women who pay our mortgage.
Doodaddy // Sep 21, 2007 at 3:26 pm
Chris & Stu,
I’m sure your hearts are in the right place, but I urge you to rethink what you’re saying. Try replacing “male” with, say, “African-American” and see how it sounds. The majority of the incarcerated are black and Hispanic; do you tell your kids to avoid people of color? (Or, how about: the vast majority of embezzling stock brokers are white — do you therefore keep your mutual funds with a black financial planner?) I can only assume from your conscientiousness that you would never teach such hateful lessons.
I’m actually less worried about myself than I am about Jessica, who’s being taught to fear members of her community.
You’re in a playground. You can watch the behavior of other adults and determine from that if there are any shady characters around. There are plenty of adults that we avoid, too! The shifty ones I’ve never seen before (male or female). The ones that bring too many complicated toys and have poor sharing ethics. The bigoted ones. The dirt-phobic. And, I have to say, these parents are pretty equitably distributed among races, genders, and orientations.
Intolerance — fear of the “other” — is at the root of every single thing that’s going wrong with this country today. Please, I beg you, be very, very careful about the way you communicate this very important issue to your children. (There’s good info at the Teach Tolerance Web site, http://www.tolerance.org/10_ways/teach/index.html )
Safety is important, but when it crosses the line (as it did that day in the playground), it’s no better than any other form of rationalized prejudice.
Dd.
P.S. As an interesting aside, Jessica & Boobaby are now buddies, and we’ve been invited to her birthday party.
Stu Mark // Sep 21, 2007 at 3:35 pm
A) Valid response.
B) I’m Jewish, so I really understand your argument about racism (or any ism).
C) The vast majority of pedophiles are men (97% to be exact).
D) As C is a fact, I will continue to condone male-ist behavior on the part of parents with young children. If the numbers were different, like they are with crime and African Americans, I would have a different mindset. I’m from NJ and I am now living in Los Angeles. I get that crime is committed by various groups, and that there’s no way to profile a potential criminal with any great success. But 97% of pedophiles are men, and I just can’t ignore that number.
Chris // Sep 21, 2007 at 4:05 pm
Doodaddy–I completely agree that “fear of other” is a huge problem in our culture (well, in many cultures, but it seems rather extreme in the US today). I’ve written here before about the problems I have with teaching children “stranger danger.” I encourage my daughter to *talk to strangers* of all kinds when we’re out and about together. Afterward, I ask her what she thought and felt when talking to that person, to help her learn to read her own intuition about people, because I feel *that’s* the best way she can learn to protect herself.
There’s a difference between telling a child to “find a mommy” when she’s lost and telling her to “avoid men.” I don’t do the latter and in fact, one of our favorite babysitters is a man. Despite the growing number of stay-at-home dads like yourself, it is still the reality that most of time, when we’re out at the zoo, science museum, playground, or other kid hotspot, the majority of the parents there are going to be moms. For that reason alone, it does make sense, to me anyway, to teach my kids to “find a mommy” if they’re ever separated from me. Much more sense than “find a police officer” (not likely in most places we haunt) and, in my opinion, less risky to her than just telling her to “find an adult.”
My comment was meant to alert you and others to why many moms are apprehensive about seeing unknown men around their children. I’m not saying it’s right that people feel this way. I’m aware that going into alert when I see an unknown man around my kids is not completely rational. And like you, I’m even more alert when I sense shiftiness in anyone, male or female. I do also pay attention when I notice a woman at a playground who doesn’t appear to be with a child.
Tolerance is important, but so is listening to your inner voice. If mine is telling me something isn’t right, I’m going to heed it, even if the part of me that wants to practice tolerance at all times tells me to ignore it.
SingForHim @ Real Life // Sep 27, 2007 at 6:53 am
This is a very interesting conversation that we really should have. While I am very supportive of stay-at-home dads, I admit it is very hard not to be suspicious when I don’t know whether he is a dad.
I usually try to introduce myself if appropriate and give him a chance to say, “I’m so-and-so’s dad.” That way, If he says, “I’m just here on my lunch break, I don’t have any kids”, I know to stay away! Maybe if you introduce yourself to the moms, their suspicion will be disarmed.
As gender roles in our society are changing, we really do need to be more accepting of involved dads. It’s a good thing to spend time with your children!!
Thanks for writing this; as a mom, I sometimes forget to consider the male perspective.
SingForHim @ Real Life // Sep 30, 2007 at 5:17 pm
It’s funny. The day after I read your post, it seemed to be “daddy day” at the park. I made sure to smile and speak to them after reading your story! You made a difference!
Leave a Comment