With three children, at very different developmental stages, it is very difficult to “play fair” when it comes to spending time with them, or being at their events. With an almost four-year-old, an almost ten-year-old, and a fourteen-year-old, their needs, their interests, and their activities are very different and sometimes, when it comes to parental attention, it is hard to tell what is fair and what is not.
My youngest NEEDS lots of attention. He needs lots of physical contact. He needs lots of supervision. He doesn’t have too many activities, yet, and I am trying to keep it that way for a little while longer. But, he is in a cooperative preschool and either myself or my husband or a grandparent is at his school once a month. And, because he is the youngest, he gets dragged to many of his sibling’s activities, sometimes, meaning that we are huddled under a blanket for hours of quality time, at the baseball field. And, so, of the three kids, he gets the majority of parental attention on our house, because that is what he needs.
My middle son, is in that tween gray area. At almost ten years old, he can sometimes stay home by himself, while I make a dash to the store. I don’t have to sit and watch each and every practice any more and I trust his baseball coach to call my cell phone, in case of emergency, if I were leave the baseball field to pick up my oldest from track practice and drive her to violin lessons. But, we always make sure that there is at least one parent at each game. And usually there is a grandparent or two in the stands as well. At home, Dash often demands attention by being loud and boisterous. He lets us know if his needs include a game of catch or some time on the wii with a parent. But, sometimes, we have to put him off because his demands are excessive, or conflict with something else that needs to get done in the family.
My oldest is the least demanding of our time and attention. She is well entrenched in her teen years, but sometimes comes out of her room long enough to let me know that she would really like to go shopping for new clothes for the change of season. With my oldest, I sometimes have to consciously create opportunities to give her some one-on-one time with a parent. This weekend we are going to a play and then lunch. Sometimes we go to the movies to see the latest chick flick that none of the rest of our family would appreciate. But, finding the time for these activities is sometimes tough. And sometimes, because she is not so demanding, she can get lost in the shuffle of everyday life. When her grandparents came to her most recent track meet she told them she was happy to see them because “no one EVER comes to my meets.” This is not exactly true, but what is true is that it is hard to drag her brothers to a 3 hour track meet when we don’t know when she will be competing or even what event she will be competing in. And this season, it seems that baseball and track are happening on the same dates and at the same times. We try to divide our time, but my husband has had some health issues this year that have made most of the responsibility of cheerleader fall on my shoulders this time around. But, oh the guilt.
I have memories of my mother being at everything. And maybe that is not an accurate memory. But, I do know that she made every attempt to be at as many of mine and my brother’s events as possible. I never felt neglected. I never felt like I needed more attention than I was given. I always felt that what I was involved in was important to my parents. And this is my goal with my own kids, to at least make them feel valued. Sometimes, I am not sure how I am doing at this. How are you doing at playing fair?
Photo graciously provided by tromasbronot, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved
5 responses so far ↓
Midwest Mom // May 13, 2009 at 12:06 pm
I was one of six children, and although my father and I shared a love of sports, he was never my coach and never once attended any of my games. He coached my older sister’s team to three championships in the same sport I played.
I’m sure, looking back, that he couldn’t come because of work or time constraints. But at that time I felt like it was because I wasn’t a good enough player.
To this day, I haven’t talked to my dad about it.
But now that I’m parenting my own little crowd of sporty kids, I am starting to understand what he was up against. When there are multiple activities (and I do make my children be selective), there are only so many places that a parent can be at once.
I think it’s good that you’re sensitive to what your cheerleader is telling you. I never would’ve thought to complain to my parents about my own needs. At least she is saying to you, “Hey. I’m proud of this. Your participation is important to me. ” As a parent, I consider that a good thing.
Good luck balancing it all.
- Julia at Midwest Moms
LifeAsIKnowIt // May 13, 2009 at 2:59 pm
I was the youngest of 4. My oldest sister was 10 years older than me so it was almost as if we grew up in different families.
I think that we change as parents with each child and, by logistics, some of them get more of our time and attention at different stages in their lives. BUT – they all know they are loved. Big families are good. Challenging at times, but GOOD!
Nice post!
STL Mom // May 15, 2009 at 6:44 pm
I remember thinking that my brother was the favorite – he got a lot more attention than I did. Never mind that a lot of it was negative attention! When I told my mother this, as an adult, she was shocked. She said she had always tried hard not to let us know that I was the favorite. Apparently she tried too hard!
I’ve tried to explain to my kids that it’s never fair or even. I’m trying to lower their expectations.
Jennifer // May 16, 2009 at 7:14 pm
Having a 15, 11, & 7 year old I feel your pain.
It’s very hard to be everything to everyone without forgetting to breath and remember that you’re only one person.
It’s tough, but as long as your kids know that you are doing the best you can, that’s all you can ask.
We always have a weekly family meeting. and NOT at the dinner table. Sometimes we’ll grab ice cream and sit around the living room to be comfy. Everyone gets to talk about anything and everything. It’s helped us tremendously head off any problems before they become huge.
The little one loves it the most because with her being the “baby” she feels equally important.
Amelia's Crumbs // May 19, 2009 at 7:42 am
Oh I am doing terribly. Four kids and 3 out of the 4 of them are always feeling they getting the shaft. Especially Anne, age 12, who feels that Boo and Pepper ripped her parents and their ability to meet her every whim away from her. We do the best we can. I did not have involved parents growing up and I resented it. So we make every possible effort to make sure that at least one parent is at every event (not practices…games, concerts, ceremonies etc.) There are those time though when 2 parents just cannot be divided 4 ways and then it’s usually Brando that gets the shaft. Because he is 17 and doesn’t seem to mind. Except, that deep down I can tell he really likes that we still come to call his games. It’s hard the juggling. It really is one of those parental situations where we do the best we can and try to read our kids to make sure they are getting enough.
Leave a Comment