Grasshopper New Media Presents...

A Sense of worthiness is a child’s most important need.

-Polly Berrien Berends, US Author.

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With Courage you will dare to take risks, have the strength to be compassionate, and the wisdom to be humble. Courage is the foundation of integrity.

-Keshavan Nair, indian born US author and lecturer.

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I heard a speaker about a year ago now, Dr. Robert Brooks, who advocates asking your children for a job review on your parenting. For many parents, this seems like an absurd idea. Why would you ask your kids for a job evaluation? Doesn’t that put them in control? Aren’t their responses predictable? Whines about too early bedtimes and too many veggies at dinner? I think many of us are secretly insecure with the job we do as parents, and it’s bad enough getting criticism from our own parents- so do we really want to ask for it from our kids as well? This seems like a crazy suggestion.

So after the presentation, I went home. I decided to give it a try, although I had a ton of preconceived notions about what the kids would have to say, and didn’t see how this was helpful or important. I screwed up my courage and asked my 10 year-old (at the time) how I was doing as a parent, and what he’d like to see changed. And his response was totally different than I ever expected. He said, in essence, we were doing a great job. He wanted to spend some more time one-on-one with both my husband and I; he requested we talk about giving him some more responsibility and independence, and that was about it. I asked him if there was anything we had done wrong, if he thought the punishments were fair, and he was surprisingly okay with it all. I was shocked. I then asked him if we were ever too strict, and he said, no, not really. He thought most of the punishments were pretty fair.

I asked this loaded question to my son because I decided I really needed to know how he saw me. I needed to know how I looked through his eyes, rather than how I saw myself as a parent. And he was immensely kind and honest. (The eight year-old’s review this morning was that we were awesome, but just a little bit too busy, and we should try to work on that a bit, but we can’t control it. I wonder what he’ll say after spending a week up close and personal with us over Spring Break?)

This made me wonder what I was so afraid of, in the first place, about asking for a job review from my kids. Am I really insecure as a parent? I don’t think so. But with all the parenting advice that gets thrown at us, can we help but be insecure and question whether we are making the “right” decisions? And unlike any other job, we really don’t get any performance reviews, grades, awards, or the like. We don’t have very many benchmarks of what a Good Parent looks like. How do we compare a Great Parent, a Good Enough Parent, and those that clearly are falling a little short of the mark? Is it purely outcome determinative- if your kids aren’t in jail or on drugs, you pass? Is the goal pushing them into ivy league schools? What are the markers of success or failure, or any place in between?

My ongoing theory is that raising children is a long term research and development project. We’re going to have great days, where we make tremedeous break-throughs, and many days where it’s just another day in the lab. All the trudging-through days certainly make the break-through days happen, but much of the time, parenting is hard work, requiring a certain amount of constant vigilance. And it can be down right exhausting, frustrating, and demoralizing. But there are moments, and many times more frequent than we appreciate on the grand scale, that are truly magical.

Just like in this picture of Chris with his kids, the special moments are those about love, togetherness, and peace. Those that sneak up on us and fill us with joy. These are the periodic rewards of parenting. It’s not a million dollars, it’s not fantastic presents on Mother’s or Father’s Day- it’s often as simple as watching a child make a really good choice instead of a bad one.

So go ahead and ask your kids for a parenting review. (Those under 5 may not be able to tell you much, but from that age on, give it a shot!) I think it brought us closer as a family. I found that, like an orchestra player who knows every wrong note they play, even if the note goes unnoticed by the audience, I am much harsher on my parenting than my kids are. And my kids understand the need for rules, limits, corrections- the discipline that comes from teaching, not bullying them. Most importantly, knowing that they are much more forgiving than I am has made me feel more relaxed about who I am as a parent. I’m less concerned with outside pressures, and a little more trusting of my internal compass.

Being vulnerable with your children can be scary. You are giving them permission to tell you their version of your family truth, and it may or may not square with how you see things. But seeing ourselves from the perspective of others is always interesting, and frequently changes our own perceptions, self-critique, and self-flagellation that we have over our imperfections.

The job review, easily dismissed as nonsense, turned out to be a valuable lesson in honesty, understanding others, and forgiveness. It took courage to ask the hard questions, and it also helped my child feel that I valued his opinions and viewpoint. We understand each other a bit better than before, and hopefully this line of communication and honesty can remain open during his upcoming teen years. I hope so. But I know we are building a foundation of fairness and trust that will serve us well as we enter this time of hormones, emotions, and tension; times not known for their rationality and peace. Time will tell, but I can honestly say I am VERY glad I asked.

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[tags]parents, kids, children, performance review, expectations, satisfaction, happiness[/tags]
Photo graciously provided by the pinkafterglow under a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved

Photo of Chris graciously provided by Chris Brogan under a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved