Or, Strategies for Successful Cohabitation.

Before you even consider combining households, the most important thing to consider is compatibility.  Can you really stand to live with your Mom again?  Will your relationship with your Father-in-Law hold up under daily duty?  How will your children react?  Is your spouse really comfortable with your Dad?  Can you imagine being comfortable in your nightgown around your Mother-in-Law?

If you have any doubts about your compatibility, you need to find a way to address them BEFORE you actually move in together.  Spend a long weekend with everyone in a hotel room, a big tent, or an RV together.  You’ll know before then end of the weekend if you can really all live together in relative (no pun intended) harmony.

Luckily for our situation, my husband and my Mom have always been very close.  She has adored him from they moment they met, and he loved her right back.  My Mom and I have always been close, and Twinks and Mom were inseparable.  For us, there was no question – we knew we would be compatible.

When my Mom came to live with us, we brought her in to our household under “emergency” conditions.  There was no time to plan or strategize; I literally brought her and what little of her belongings I could throw into the minivan in 5 minutes.  Driving away, I knew I was going to come back and pack up the rest.  What I didn’t know was where it would all go, and how we would be able to successfully “blend” our households.

If I had been given the luxury of time to plan, here are the other things that I would have considered to help insure a good start to our new, multi-generational household:

1. Which house will we live in?

In our case, the answer was obvious – we would live here, in our family home, for many reasons.  TW & I bought this house from Mom when she remarried; it was the house she and Daddy had planned on living in after retirement.  Mom was glad to move back into the home she had shared with my Dad until his untimely death.  It was familiar, and she was instantly comfortable.

But, what if there is a choice to be made?  How do you decide?

First, square footage.  You will need every inch you can get.  Don’t discount the importance of storage, either.  Which neighborhood is closer to stores, hospitals, and other important services?  Which home is in better (overall) condition, and which home will require less maintenance work?  Is there enough parking space for all of the cars in the newly blended family?  If you decide to move in to Mom and/or Dad’s house, make sure that you, your spouse, and your kids are all ready to move, and will *really* be comfortable there.  You may even consider selling both homes, and buying a new “neutral” home jointly as a  family.  Be sure to discuss the legal implications of this with your family attorney.  Additionally, if one party sells their house to move in with the other, make sure that an agreement is reached in advance regarding financial consideration.  Again, your family attorney can help here – the one moving in may wish to “buy in” to the existing house, so that they feel a sense of ownership (and security) as well.

2. Inventory both households.

Will Mom or Dad be bringing along appliances?  What will you do with two dining sets?  Do you really need – or want – to bring along all of that furniture? Will our coffee table look good with their end tables?  Where will we put Dad’s woodworking equipment, and Mom’s quilting supplies? Knowing what physical items are coming into the blended house is important – you will need to realistically know where you can put that big old breakfront china cabinet.

3.  What can be stored, donated, or sold?

There is inevitable overlap when combining two households.  Make sure that everyone is “on board” with what will be used, and what will be… not used.  If your appliances are better, but Mom and Dad have better furniture, it only makes sense to use “the best” of everything you have.  If you have the room (or a monthly storage unit) to store what is not currently needed, then you can take the time to see what really works in the living space before discarding anything.  When it comes time to donate, or sell things, try to insure that everyone gets to keep something that is meaningful to them.  We started by putting all of Mom’s things into one room that we cleared out, and then slowly, box by box, integrating them into our home.  Mom and I decided together what would stay, and what would go.

4.  Define personal spaces.

Multi-generational families can actually have many benefits – and blending your families, and your belongings, can be fun – even easy with planning – and beneficial.  But, everyone still needs a space to call their own.  If Dad is accustomed to going out to the garage every evening to putter around, make sure he will be able to continue to do that if he wants to.  If Mom has always loved to read quietly in the afternoon, make sure she will have a comfortable, quiet space to enjoy her books.  Your kids, your spouse, you – everyone will need their own “space”, and you can help eliminate resentments and frustration by insuring that everyone has a private place to retreat to.

5. Don’t let it go to the cats and dogs.

Make sure that everyone will be comfortable with everyone else’s pets.  Will Mom’s cat be able to resist the kids’ hamsters?  Will your Great Dane be happy with Dad’s German Shepard?  Animals are an important part of the family, and may be crucial to the success (or failure) of your family adventure.
It may seem overwhelming, but you can blend two families successfully.  Look closely and carefully, plan with everyone’s input, and you may find that your “new” multigenerational family is even better than you anticipated!