It’s never been more apparent to me that Ben, my ten-year-old son, needs time and space alone. Partly that’s because he has more homework than ever before, not to mention daily clarinet practice, and partly it’s just that he needs time to dream and think and figure out the constantly shifting social dynamics within his fourth-grade classroom. I get it. I was in fourth grade once.
But Ben’s little brother doesn’t get it. And he is devastated. He’s always been Ben’s shadow, and, until recently, Ben was flattered by the attention. Now Ben’s alternately bemused and angered by Jack’s presence.
At the same time, Jack feels rejected and disliked, and it’s breaking his heart. I’ve tried and tried to explain to Jack that it’s not about him, but the concept of a person needing time alone is utterly foreign to his five-year-old brain.
So, kind readers, I turn to you for advice. Right now both of my boys are hurting, the older one because he feels his needs are not being taken seriously, the younger one because he feels abandoned. I’ve already tried designating some time as “Ben’s busy now†time, and some as “Ben’s available now†time, but the painful truth is that Ben doesn’t want to play with Jack much at all these days. Do I force him to spend time with his forlorn little brother?
Your thoughts and ideas are welcomed.
[tags]kids, children, parents, parenting, sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, siblings, growing up, relationships, friendship, stress[/tags]
Photo graciously provided by Feuillu, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved
4 responses so far ↓
Stu Mark // Oct 25, 2007 at 2:51 pm
Nurture, nurture, nurture.
I have two kids with a 3 1/2 year spread between them. When I arrived, they *hated* each other. Like carrying water from one bucket to another using a teaspoon, I nurtured their relationship. I offered advice, I cajoled and pleaded with each of them. I made sure that they took full notice of the others’ slightest expression of love and respect.
It took years, but my daughter’s 12th birthday just happened and my 15 year-old son went out, by himself, and bought her presents, a card, and wrapped everything himself. And my daughter announced that it was the sweetest gift she’d gotten. So, fear not, everything’s a phase. Remain positive and upbeat, be their spin doctors, and constantly show them you love them both individually and as a collective.
Slouching Mom // Oct 25, 2007 at 7:33 pm
Thanks, Stu, that’s really reassuring.
nan // Oct 26, 2007 at 4:39 am
It IS a phase. In the meantime, can Jack (I love that name!) have a friend or cousin or neighbour over to play? Or even two? Boys love a “gang” to play with, especially when they are 5. Is he interested in any extra-curricular activities that would get him out of the house while Ben is at home? That is one of the ways I get one-on-one time with my kids, and I bet Ben would love the peace and quiet once a week.
Explain to Ben how Jack feels, and how you are going to help him get peace and quiet sometimes, but that Jack needs him too. If he knows that Tuesday afternoons are “brother free” he may be more patient! Worked for me!
I just asked my eldest for advice, as we have the same situation here, and he said that he loves doing extra-curricular fun stuff with people his age. Then he can play with his brothers. Who knew?
Slouching Mom // Oct 26, 2007 at 1:38 pm
Nan: Thanks for your advice! We do “divide and conquer” quite a bit (e.g., playdates, lessons, activities, sports), but we could do so in a more organized way, I think, by letting the boys know in advance when they will be having “alone” versus “together” time.
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