Parenting Advice?

December 23rd, 2009 by Stu Mark · 9 Comments

I was at a party not too long ago – a casual party, where most of the guests worked with my wife. Some I knew and some I didn’t. When I was introduced to one of the ones I didn’t, they invariably asked what I did for a living. My first response was my usual “I’m a househusband, SAHD, homemaker” bit. But then I realized they were a working professional serious-minded corporate-type, so I seized the opportunity to add on, “Oh, and I’m a writer.” As far as I am concerned, this answer yields far more interesting conversations with business executives. So if you’re wearing a tie, or if it seems that you spent more on your clothes than I spent on food for the past week, I’m gonna mention that I’m a writer. ‘Cause, you never know.

So there I am, chatting up this nice gentleman with a decent weave job and a suit made from Egyptian cotton or angel’s hair or something, and he presses me on my career as a writer (Suits in Los Angeles always think in terms of resumes – What can this person do, and can I use them to further my career?). When I get to my current status, I mention this here column, and the fact that, for the most part, I dispense parenting advice.

He made that wonderful bouncy face where his first reaction was “Oh, that’s no use to me,” to a no-look pass to “I don’t care about this,” to the final “Hey, pretend you’re interested or else you’ll look like a jackass” face.

Now, I get that face a fair amount, maybe half the time. And the other half, fortunately, are looks of genuine interest or appreciation or curiosity. But this time I got the other face, the train-wreck face, and instead of making me roll my eyes on the inside, it planted a seed of doubt.

Seeds of doubt suck.

Eventually a little doubt sprout poked at my ego long enough and I began to think about my role as a purveyor of advice on how to raise your kids. This is not something that most folks want. In fact, there’s a generous amount of folks who think I should take my advice and shove it up my… well, let’s just say that it’s somewhere that is not a pleasant place.

Normally I can blow past this kind of thinking, because I realize that I’m not forcing it on anyone, that I’m very open about my lack of credentials and formal training, that I’m just some guy out takin’ a walk, talkin’ out loud. And I’ve yet to receive a complaint, I haven’t ever been accused of breaking anybody’s kid. So, I got that goin’ for me, which is nice.

But this time, somehow, I found myself tumbling it over in my mind. Nobody would give unasked-for parenting advice to another parent live, face-to-face. Except that I do. Yeah, sure, those of you who are reading these words did volunteer to read them. It’s not like “parents” isn’t at the top of the page. So you’ve accepted some responsibility in your choice to continue reading. And some of you actually look for advice, you seek out other parents to get some direct and indirect feedback on your parenting, because you so want to be a better parent that you’re willing to listen to the words of a non-expert, a complete amateur.

But after you listen to me, after you hear me out, after you finish one of my advice columns, do you regret it? Or, worse, does it piss you off? Do you find yourself saying, “Just who in the Sam Hill does this guy think he is?”

Now, I’m not gonna stop offering parenting advice. I get enough sincere feedback from readers like you, feedback that confirms for me that I am not just a guy takin’ a walk. But I do want to ask this question: What is your sincere opinion on parenting advice? Do you think anyone should ever give advice on how to raise somebody else’s kids? And if you find yourself ok with listening to other folks , do you only really follow the advice of doctors/PhDs? Do you ever listen to another parent and base a decision on their words?

by Stu Mark

Photo graciously provided by brandon king, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved

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9 responses so far ↓

Ann // Dec 23, 2009 at 7:48 am

I absolutely listen to other parents. I filter everyone’s words through my “BS” filter. Everyone’s. That includes medical doctors and Ph.D’s. I usually pass those through a second filter of finer mesh to try to sift out all of the “I am passing this off as my own knowledge that results from years of experience, but really I just heard it from some drug rep who brought pizza and pens.”

While other parents may be wrong, their biases and agendas are usually not so finely honed and are much easier to detect than those of corporations with money at stake. Vaccines come to mind.

In any case, I always value your opinion, Stu!
nancy // Dec 23, 2009 at 8:03 am

Stu – Though I don’t always agree with the parenting advice given by those who write here, I enjoy reading the different perspectives. Parenting has changed. Today’s parents are more involved with their kids; there are more helicopter parents. Gender roles have changed in a lot of homes; I work with a woman whose husband is a SAHD. The way I read GNMP is more as a support group. The writers aren’t telling people they *have* to raise their kids a certain way but rather, “this is how I’m doing it, and it works (or doesn’t). What do you think?” If you’re being successful, why not share the successes? They just might work for someone else. If you need help, why not ask? There’s going to be someone out there who has experienced the same situation. Isn’t that what community is all about?
Dave // Dec 23, 2009 at 8:17 am

Stu,
I always find your point of view enlightening. Sometimes, I don’t agree with what you have to say or feel you don’t have the same perspective as I do, but you always make me think. Keep doing what you do. It genuinely helps…
– Dave
Doug Dougherty // Dec 23, 2009 at 8:25 am

You’re a writer?! Geez I thought the stay at home Dad thing was the really cool thing you did. A man of many talents! I source other people, some parents, some not, books, articles, websites, the pediatrician and other child development professionals (my wife for example is an ASCA trained Professional School Counselor, I worked 13 years in human services with kids before technology). Everything gets filtered through my lens then evaluated and used as it makes sense to me.
The trouble is culling the wheat from the chaff. There so much that comes from philosophies that are polar opposites to my own that I often have to search for the kernel of truth in what’s offerred. Admittedly un-solicited advice is the hardest to take because there’s a presumption you are deficient somehow and the person giving the advice typically doesn’t know me well enough to make any kind of judgement on my parenting.
That said the un-solicted advice comes from two camps in my view. First the know it all who is obsessed with telling everyone what to do. This is easy to spot and is often quickly dismissed; if they don’t get schooled socratically upstream . The other form is usually sincere and best intended. In that case it usually gives me pause because the person offerring it had to risk my having a negative reaction to them. So there you have it.
Root out the seed of doubt Stu. You are intelligent, thoughtful and well intended. The world can use a whole ot more of that I say!
STL Mom // Dec 23, 2009 at 9:18 am

I love to get parenting advice, IF it is offered in a friendly, helpful way and not in a bossy, know-it-all way. I tend to take advice from other parents more seriously than I take advice from pediatricians.
Stu, maybe you need a different vocabulary to use when speaking to business-type people about your work. Instead of saying you dispense parenting advice, say that you consult with small organizations about mentoring and supervising their junior members. Or say that you provide communication opportunities and for senior partners in an international arena. All true!
Whitney // Dec 23, 2009 at 10:25 am

I think we all need that wisdom from parents who have been there before, especially about stuff we might not otherwise talk about. Parents are always happy to brag, we’re not always willing to talk about the difficult and downright disheartening stuff that happens. I love your writing, your guidance, and knowing that we might make a difference in the lives of others through our words.
I also think blogging about parenting helps me be a more thoughtful and deliberate parent- it makes me think about my choices and articulate them, as well as providing a venue to air my fears, my mistakes, and things I’m conflicted about.
Raising human beings today is not easy, and it changes all the time as they grow, encounter new challenges, and we encounter those challenges right along side, trying to be a nurturing co-pilot and not take over, for what may b well intentioned reasons, but in the end, prevent our kids from getting the experience they need. This is a hard dance, but you do it so very well, and I am honored, frankly, to work with you here.
Rocket Science Mom // Dec 23, 2009 at 10:33 am

I guess I have a little bit of a different take on what we are (including you Stu) trying to do here on this site. I come here to share experiences as have had and am having as a parent, and see what the rest of the world might be going through. Is it similar? Have you all been here before?

As for giving advice, I rarely give it, unsolicited. I guess the only way I’d be moved to do so is if I felt morally obligated to stop a situation RIGHT NOW. I wouldn’t, for example, tell a parent that they feed their child the wrong formula (albiet I am a proponent of breast feeding) or put them to bed too early/too late.

I would, however, offer my opinion if asked.

I consider the reading of this site the asking. Consider yourself asked for your opinion. We read, we consider, we accept or reject. There is no contract between reader and writer expecting that we will take what you say and change our operating processes.

But then again, we just might.
Kelly D // Dec 24, 2009 at 11:36 am

When I read your words I don’t think of it as you offering advice to the readers of this site, but more of your perspective and opinions. We can then decide for ourselves if the advice you rendered about your own experience is applicable to our situation.

I think you offer great words of wisdom. You make me think about how I parent. It’s not that I am questioning my abilities or approach, but it always good to think of other ways to improve a particular situation.

Keep writing here as you always do. As you can read from the comments left on this post, we all think you provide valuable content.
Lori // Dec 25, 2009 at 10:30 am

I love reading your columns because you know how to turn a phrase! Always interesting and thought provoking because I have to think while I read. Keep writing! You are a star!