Recently, while picking up Jude from the learning center he attends, I watched as one of the little guys, seeing his dad come in, ran full tilt in sheer joy toward him. Clumsy as two year-olds tend to be, he tripped on his little feet, which were running faster than his body could keep up with. He picked himself up, crying a bit.
“Awww, that didn’t hurt” says Dad gently.
(Sobbing now coming from the little guy).
“How many times have I told you not to run inside? See what happens when you don’t pay attention to where you’re going? Come on now, lets go home”.
My heart hurt.
This is one very loving and gentle father. All of my observations, for a year and a half while our two boys have come up through the ranks at the learning center together, have suggested that this dad loves his son more than life itself!
So why did my heart hurt?
Lately, I’ve been hearing little snippets of reports and swirls of discussion on the lack of empathy in children today. A blip on the local evening news here, an online forum conversation there, comments from recent posts, etc. Enough so that an overall perception appears to be forming and we’re not even realizing it.
Do children have less capacity for empathy? If so, why?
Is it, as some love to suggest, the fault of the television and the media?
Is it the fault of the government that can’t seem to effectively grapple with overcrowded classrooms and frazzled, underpaid teachers?
Is it even, as suggested very recently, the fault of technology? Can we blame it on the perceived notion that we interact less frequently in actual physical form, therefore we are becoming dense and blunted in our daily interactions, overly narcissistic?
My heart hurt so badly while I witnessed the interaction between this loving dad and the little guy because, well, in short, as loving and gentle as Dad was (and he was), he still, unintentionally, unwittingly, and I’m pretty sure unknowingly, invalidated his son’s feelings.
Invalidation. How often do we invalidate our children and not even realize it? It’s a good question to ask, and I think we need to ask it because we are loving parents preparing our children for what we know lies ahead. If you weren’t one, you wouldn’t be reading this.
His intentions were good. I can see that. Perhaps he came from a family, like many, that used less gentle verbiage and he’s determined not to make the same mistake.
“That didn’t hurt! Get up!”
“Rub some dirt in it and walk it off, be tough”
“Boy’s don’t cry!”
“There’s nothing to be scared of”
Parent’s naturally want to teach their kids to handle strife, be resilient, forge ahead in the face of adversity. It’s a good thing to teach them. Parents today work diligently at being consistent, loving, patient. But last week I came to the conclusion in my post on social networking that it’s a good idea for us to reexamine the very bedrock of our perceptions. Why do we have the assumptions we have? What is the underlying nugget of ideology that causes us to react in a certain way? I think this is yet another example.
Who was the one person qualified to asses whether or the little guy I watched trip actually felt pain? Without blood, bumps or bruises, we can only rely on his own assessment of his pain.
Granted, it probably didn’t hurt. My bet would be that he was one tired little guy who had had a long day at the learning center full of intense activity and brain development, and he just needed a little stress relief. Tripping just triggered it. Don’t you often feel that way after a long day at work? I’ve been known to burst into tears if a paper towel doesn’t tear off properly after a stressful day. If someone were to tell me to stop crying over a paper towel that wouldn’t cooperate, someone might be begging the neighbors dog for a place to crash that night.
Empathy, the core of Emotional Intelligence, as it turns out, is pretty simple. According to John Gottman, Ph D. and author of Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child,
“Empathy is simply the ability to put yourself in your child’s shoes and respond accordingly.”
Easy? No. Important? Yes. If our children really are less empathetic than generations past, (which is a concept I don’t buy) then it’s not the media’s fault, the government’s fault or even technology’s fault. It’s our fault. Even if we are not intentionally, knowingly or wittingly causing it, we are the ones who tip the balance in our child’s lives.
For more information check out:
Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child
by John Gottman, Ph. D
Emotional Intelligence, Why It Can Matter More Than IQ
by Daniel Goleman
Funderstanding-Emotional Intelligence
How Can Parents Shelter Their Children
In This Scary-Filled World
by Rory Sullivan (here on our own GNMParent’s)
[tags]parenting, kids, toddlers, empathy, tough vs. tender, emotions, teaching[/tags]
Photo graciously provided by astrogirl529, under a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved
6 responses so far ↓
Slouching Mom // Apr 14, 2007 at 9:30 am
Just an opinion, but I don’t think kids are less empathetic than they’ve ever been. I think they’re born with the capacity to be hugely empathetic but that it diminishes if it’s not nurtured by their parents and if it’s not practiced by their parents.
Empathy is so important; thanks for writing about this. It’s empathy that makes us want to help those who are suffering. Without empathy, we’d surely be less civilized.
Just a thought about the little boy: there is a unique pressure on boys in our society to “suck it up/be a man/be tough.”
That pressure is awfully unfair to boys and does not help them become the grown-ups they’re capable of becoming.
Stu Mark // Apr 14, 2007 at 10:36 am
Misty, you totally took my next post out from under me!
I talk about Validation all the time. Not just with kids, but with all human interaction. If someone communicates something to you, whatever they say, validate first, then reveal your reaction. But validate first, in every situation. That’s how we get to Coolsville.
thordora // Apr 14, 2007 at 12:22 pm
I tell my daughters to suck it up all the time, when it’s something minor. Why the big events are validated, I’ve noticed that my children have a tendancy to the dramatic, and, just like their mother, will ride that sib for all it’s worth.
Are we raising less empathetic children because we don’t coddle their every move? I don’t think so. Most of us were raised like that, and we’re all a mixture of highly emphathetic and not so much. In my case, being bipolar, I always wished I could turn OFF the empathy, so in a way I know I’m trying to toughen my girls up in case they are also diagnosed later in life.
I try to be realistic with my kids. They won’t be validated every minute of their lives, and they know that most of the time, I’m right there telling them it’s fine to be mad/sad/hurt, etc. But it’s also important to teach children that not everything is a big deal.
Summer // Apr 14, 2007 at 7:19 pm
I love this post. I know I catch myself sometimes saying ‘That didn’t hurt” or “Stop crying over every thing” to my oldest and I regret it later. I try to come back to him when he is calmer and let him talk to me about it.
Maggie Macaulay // Apr 15, 2007 at 5:57 am
What a beautiful piece. Thank you. In our rush to “get things under control,” parents may be passing up opportunities for children to learn to handle their own emotions. In asking children to stop crying, be quiet, or hurry up, we may be denying them the experience of their emotions or implying that feeling is wrong. In the instance with the little boy who fell while running to greet his father, Dad could have said, “You OK?” or “Can I help?” and given him a big hug. Instead, the actual response quelled his beautiful enthusastic expression of love for his dad. The message was “don’t express yourself” or “don’t go for it at 100!.” My heart hurts, too. For more on creating connections with your children, please visit http://www.wholeheartedparenting.com.
Greatexpectations // Apr 15, 2007 at 4:56 pm
Thank you for this great reminder — or is it more a piece of support that I need? I think new parents are told so many things, especially how to avoid spoiling a child, that they feel too much affection/coddling/attention will harm the child in the other direction. We don’t think about how we are harming them by NOT giving them the validations they need.
I say thank you because I feel I am a validator. I want to make sure my daughters never feel an ounce of what I felt (and still do at times) growing up — that my thoughts/opinions didn’t matter. I would probably be a more confident person today if I had gotten just a little validation. Thanks again!
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