Recently my counselor recommended I do some work to overcome issues from my childhood. She told me that I was in a good place (haven’t seen her since my infertility days except for an occasional issue and one happened to pop up in November…the first in many years). This all came about when I couldn’t look at her without crying and state, “I have the right to be happy.” Knowing much about my history and family issues, she thinks it’s all tied back to my childhood and me carrying my mother’s issues. She’s right. I’ve known this for years, but I have been able to create happiness in my life anyway.
However, I don’t want to carry the burdens from my childhood any longer. I want to be happy and feel free in my happiness. So, I’ve agreed to go on this journey in order to allow myself to relish in my joy and my life without any guilt. Can you relate?
One of my first tasks was to make a list of all of the times I had been “abused” as a child. Abuse, according to my counselor, takes many forms such as physical, sexual, spiritual, emotional, intellectual, etc. This was not a fun task. Looking back on all of the times my parents and siblings “wronged” me when I was a child were not times I wanted to relive. But I’m trusting in the process.
Then today she took me on a journey of my childhood to learn who the players were and my perception of my reality from a child’s perspective. Again, not a fun experience. I laughed with my husband at lunch as I told him I couldn’t believe I was paying someone to help me remember things I’ve spent years trying to forget.
It’s not that I had a bad childhood, because I didn’t. There are things that I shouldn’t have seen or experienced. But isn’t that true of every childhood? I was a good kid so my parent’s didn’t place many rules or restrictions on me. I was a good student so they didn’t bug me about doing my homework because I it was almost always completed before dinner time anyway. They didn’t want to force their children to participate in sports, so they didn’t attend mine. My counselor uses the word “neglect” to describe some of these events, although I think that is a little harsh. Even as a kid some of these aspects of my childhood bothered me and have shaped ideas in my head about what kind of parent I want to be.
As much as I know that I need this for my adult self, I feel sad for the child me. She had to grow up so quickly. Though this maturity has served me often, it has no doubt played a part in my internal struggles with self-esteem and confidence (or worthiness). More importantly, though, is the loss that I feel associated with what I’ve always thought was a good childhood. Looking at it from an adult perspective allows me to see my childhood differently and for that I am somewhat saddened.
When I looked at the descriptions of abuse my counselor provided me with to fill out my forms I wondered what I’m doing that someday might be considered abuse. One of the items that stood out was indulgence. I know that I am often times too indulgent with my kids. It is commonplace for me to get my girls a treat when we are out shopping, mostly ice cream, as I rarely say no to this request. Is this indulgence balanced by the fact that when we go shopping I don’t buy them toys?
I know that my parents did the best job they knew how of raising me. They had baggage they carried with them from their childhood and as such passed their beliefs/ideals onto us. And I am doing the same with my children.
How are you compensating as a parent due to things your parents did or didn’t do for you?
by Kelly Damron
Photo graciously provided by caporaso, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved
5 responses so far ↓
STL Mom // Jan 9, 2009 at 6:45 pm
I remember being excited when I first learned about “goodness of fit” between kids and parents. It means that parents can be good people who do their best, and yet their parenting style can conflict with one or more of their children’s needs and personalities.
In this theory, having parents not attend sports events would make one child feel independent but make another child feel neglected. And it’s completely legitimate for you to feel neglected, even if that was not your parents’ intent.
While this is a helpful theory when looking back at my own childhood, it’s a little scary to think about this as a parent. It means that I won’t necessarily meet my kids’ needs either by copying my parents or by doing the opposite. In fact, despite my desire to be fair, it might mean that I need to treat each of my child differently.
Thank goodness for the “good-enough parent” theory, which states that I don’t have to get it right every time. Better living through psychology!
Kelly D // Jan 9, 2009 at 7:21 pm
STL Mom,
I agree, thank goodness for the good-enough-parent theory. I’m sure I’ll over compensate for what I needed a child and smoother my children. Oh well, I’m doing what I think is best.
And, I agree that each child has different needs and I too struggle with allowing that while also being ‘fair’.
Thimbelle // Jan 9, 2009 at 11:05 pm
You know, Kelly – I’m not sure that you are *indulging* your children, as much as you are sharing a special little moment with them.
What wonderful thing to do for your children! Every little shared moment with them gives them a great, tangible feeling of how special they are to you. They will remember getting ice cream with Mom when they were shopping, and they will do the same with their own children.
And isn’t that what it is supposed to be about? Making memories together – and then watching your children turn those memories into traditions with their own offspring!
Your work with your therapist is important – and while your parents certainly had an impact on you, (and we are all impacted by our parents) you now have the chance to change how your own children are affected by *your* actions. I know you’ll do just fine!
Anita B // Jan 10, 2009 at 12:14 pm
Wow, I hadn’t ever thought about what STL Mom said. I was going to come on here and say what a crappy childhood I had and how I’ve spent years in counseling trying to deal with it, but maybe someone else in my situation wouldn’t feel that way. If fact, all my brothers and sisters think my mom is a good mom and they don’t really see anything wrong with what she did. But then I think that she didn’t do all the horrible things to them, she did them to me. And my siblings are in denial about how screwed up it made me. I am trying every day not to turn out like her. I want to be loving and nurturing, not harsh and authoritative. I do yell, and then I catch myself thinking I shouldn’t be doing that. I also spank my son on occasion, but try not to do it while I’m angry. I do have a lot of anger issues, but my husband and I have been working on that almost as long as we’ve been married. Sorry this is becoming a book, but without going into details, I feel I’ve been cheated and I’m living my life everyday to make sure my son does not feel the same way. Does that mean I’m indulging him? I don’t see it that way because I make sure there is a balance. He has a lot of one-on-one time with each of his parents because physical touch is one of his primary love languages. And I occasionally buy him treats and toys when we go out because gifts is another. Anyway, I now have a new-found insite thanks to STL Mom, but I still need to be careful because I did have a crappy child hood, but I don’t want to be the complete opposite of what my mom was.
Kelly D // Jan 10, 2009 at 11:07 pm
I’ve heard about the primary love languages. I need to learn those, I think both of my girls might be physical touch too.
Thanks Thimbelle for making me not feel guilty about the frequent ice cream outings. As much as I enjoy them, I do beat myself up about whether or not we should partake. You are right, it’s a wonderful thing we do together and a tradition I hope they share with their children!
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