To kill time, we took The Poo to the library while we were in Cleveland. Playroom for her, wireless network for mommy and daddy – what’s not to love?
The children’s area was more crowded than I expected during a holiday week. But the sight of other little people thrilled The Poo, and she was off making friends and exploring the toys without a look back.
I settled into a chair and opened my MacBook, glancing up now and then to keep a bead on the girl. I raised my eyes from the screen just in time to see a tall girl grabbing a plastic carrot from a tow-headed boy who couldn’t have been more than a year old.
The girl’s mother reprimanded her gently – so the girl tossed the toy on the ground and threw a major hissy fit.
The mom shuttled her from the toy area and I went back to work.
About 10 minutes later, I heard The Poo cry: “Mommy! That girl knocked over my puzzle! Whaaaaa!â€
The Poo was quietly putting together a puzzle at a small table when this brat grabbed it and dumped it out.
This kid was tall; she had to be at least a year older than The Poo. She antagonized almost every child in the playroom and now she was picking on my daughter.
So I said something.
“Please do not do that again,†I said, sitting at the table and righting the puzzle. “She wasn’t bothering you, and that wasn’t nice.â€
This child – who turned out to be on the verge of five years old – screamed and wailed as if I’d whacked her in the head with my handbag. She ran over to her mother (who was oblivious in the adult computer area) and tattled on me.
“MOMMY! THAT LADY YELLED AT ME!â€
“No, I did not yell at her,†I said to the mom, calmly. “She knocked over my daughter’s puzzle, and I asked her not to do that again.â€
Later, the mother approached me and apologized for her daughter, who sat sullenly next to her younger brother, arms folded across her chest and a sour look on her little face.
“I had my tubes tied after my son,†the woman said, suddenly. “These two are more than enough. I’m going to school full-time and working, too, and it’s just …â€
She trailed off and wiped a piece of hair out of her face. “I don’t know what’s wrong with her,†she said, pointing at the girl.
“It’s no big deal,†I said. “Really.â€
I softened, but only slightly. Sorry for her trouble, of course, but not sorry I called her daughter out for her bratty behavior.
I don’t go around reprimanding other people’s kids, but I also won’t let my two-year-old be bullied by a child twice her age and twice her size – a kid who should know better.
What would you have done? What are the rules for playground/playroom etiquette?
[tags]kids, parents, bratty, behavior, courage, speaking out, addressing issues publicly[/tags]
Photo graciously provided by Me and I, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved
20 responses so far ↓
Taste Like Crazy // Jul 17, 2007 at 6:07 am
First off, I think that you did the correct thing.
A similar (but different) thing happened to me and unfortunately, the mother of the other child didn’t appreciate me “screaming” at her kid.
I’m glad that things turned out better for you; that is a very sticky place to be.
http://www.TasteLikeCrazy.com
Wendy // Jul 17, 2007 at 7:22 am
I would have done the same thing.
Rob // Jul 17, 2007 at 8:28 am
To answer your question, I agree. It is not easy to navigate those waters an it sounds like you handled it well.
What also struck me in your story, is the mothers willingness to immediately tell you about her life, her choices, her challenges and fears.
The meaning I make from your interaction with her is this. Like any parent, she has ambivalence about her parenting. She is craving community. She is craving support and encouragement.
In the absence of relationships with others with whom we can share all of what it is to be a parent, we are left to navigate it alone and the ambivalence we naturally experience as parents grows.
Here, in this space, GNMParents is creating a community of supportive parents who are willing to share their success and vulnerability, to pose questions and get thoughtful answers.
Even though her child mis-behaved, this woman showed great strength in her ability to apologize to you and own the problem. She’s also working hard to grow as a person and parent, by working while going to school. What a feat!
I only hope that someday soon she finds her way here to be encouraged and supported by this amazing community.
Thanks for sharing.
Arkie Mama // Jul 17, 2007 at 8:34 am
I routinely yell at kids while at the pool.
“Stop running!”
“Hey, watch it! You nearly knocked that little girl down.”
I have yet to located any parent of said children. Either they aren’t there, or they are unwilling to address their kids’ behavior.
I’ve made this observation though — I never lectured other people’s children until I had a few myself. Now, they’re all fair game, especially if their actions affect, or hurt, my kids.
inthefastlane // Jul 17, 2007 at 9:14 am
At least the mom apologized and knew her daughter’s behavior was not acceptable.
We were at Disneyland a few weeks ago and while we sat at a table a group of boys st a table near us decided to start smashing condiment packages. Well, of course we got covered in mayo. And I yelled at the boys to knock it of. The mom happened to be near by and said absolutely nothing while my daughter and I wiped mayo off of our clothes and hair. Even if she was just embarrased and quick apology would have been nice. I know that kids do dumb things and in the end I was more mad at the adult than the kids. My husband wouldn’t let me say anything to her, but oh did I want to.
Tere // Jul 17, 2007 at 11:04 am
We were at a small, local water park on Saturday, and every time I stood in line for any one of the slides, kids (bigger kids, around 4 to 6 years), kept trying to get in front of me (and I was carrying a very squirmy Max). So I would just touch their shoulders and say, “Make the line, please” and not let them get in front of me.
I wasn’t sure if kids that age understand lines and all that, but it bugged me. The park was crowded, my son was antsy for his turn - it just didn’t seem right to let them do it.
Oh, and at one point, an older boy (around 7 maybe, and this was the 5 and under pool) was playing with a tube that was basically shooting water out, but as Max approached him, he put his hand out to divert the water and shot it right in Max’s face. I don’t know if the kid just wasn’t paying attention, but I just reacted and snapped at him - Don’t do that, he’s much smaller than you!
I think I might have been too harsh, but that one slipped out before I could stop myself….
Anyway — I think you did the right thing.
Slouching Mom // Jul 17, 2007 at 6:41 pm
I would have done the exact same thing. The Poo is not yet old enough to be able to defend herself.
Heather // Jul 17, 2007 at 7:22 pm
I think you did the right thing by saying something.
Although, I have to admit that I was a little taken aback by your line that a child of 5 should know better. Really? A FIVE-year-old should know better? Five is still a very young child, learning to navigate in a big world.
Also, in response to Tere, you assume that the child was 7 in the five and under pool because of his size. I have a very tall not-quite-5-year-old who acts her age and who I allow to be in the 5 and under places because she is that age. It’s not her fault she’s tall.
I’m just saying that these are kids…they act like kids. It takes a lot longer than 5 years for kids to learn all the “rules” of society.
–stepping down off my soapbox in defense of “older” kids
A.L. Hatch // Jul 17, 2007 at 7:49 pm
Heather - I do think a child of five knows enough not to grab toys from babies. I know my niece doesn’t behave that way.
And I also know what you mean when you say your tall child is victim of expectations. The Poo looks four, but is 2.5, and that is an issue for her.
But rest assured, I would have corrected any child who was acting like an obvious bully.
andi // Jul 17, 2007 at 9:46 pm
Good for you. I posted about a similar situation a few months ago when my daughter and I were at an indoor playground and some older boys were totally misbehaving while their parents sat back and did nothing. Sadly, I felt awkward about telling them to stop, afraid that I might piss off their parents (yes, I have a backbone problem). I think next time this situation comes up, though, I would say something to them.
helvella // Jul 17, 2007 at 10:00 pm
You did the right thing by correcting the child. The mother didn’t question that, she didn’t ask you to be sorry for scolding her child, she apologized to you, remember? Why are you still harboring resentment towards her? Do you think, there’s no way this could happen to me? Do not be surprised when one day your child is sick, or tired, or off kilter for some other reason, and she behaves poorly in public. Then she will be the “brat”. Will people forgive you when you apologize to them for it?
Heather // Jul 17, 2007 at 10:24 pm
I hope you know that I respect you as a person and I love reading your work, but I am still going to have to respectfully disagree. Kids at 5 still lack impulse control. Maybe they do know that it’s wrong to grab a toy from a baby, but they still may not be able to control that impulse.
I’m willing to bet that L is not always a perfect angel. She’s a kid, it’s just a fact that they will not always behave how we want them to.
I didn’t/don’t want to get into a big debate or anything and don’t want to sound like I am angry (because I’m not) which is hard to do in the written word. Just the nature of the written word, tone is not easy to convey.
I just wanted to offer a differing opinion.
Most people who know my daughter would say that she is very friendly and loving. But, she has her moments, just like any other kid. She’s been the brat and it doesn’t mean she or I are bad people. We’re just normal people going through life the best we can.
Like I said in my first comment, I think you definitely did the right thing by correcting the child if the parent didn’t do it. I wrote a post about this very thing recently. How nice of the mom to offer her apology…more than a lot of people would do. The fact is kids will act like brats sometimes. Regardless of their parenting. It will happen to you as well (didn’t Poo have a fit at Disney?).
It doesn’t stop just because they are older. They’ll always make mistakes.
(I’m afraid that this sounds really confrontational and it’s not intended that way…so I apologize if this sounds that way…I’m just offering another persective from a mom with an older child.)
Perhaps I shouldn’t post this, but here goes anyway.
Jennifer // Jul 18, 2007 at 5:10 am
You absolutely did the right thing. I’m impressed the other Mother was apologetic, so many times when you reprimand other’s kids they aren’t so nice about it…
whymommy // Jul 18, 2007 at 6:25 am
Yowsers.
It sounds like the other Mom appreciated you stepping in when she couldn’t, actually. Whether she was tired, exhausted, or just plain spent, she clearly wasn’t present for her children at that moment, and she clearly regretted not being able to either do that or trust her children to behave while she worked nearby.
Kids need guidance. You did the right thing to step in. And you did the right thing in not opening up on the mom who was clearly overwhelmed.
I hope that she also has someone to talk to about what happened. It sounds like she and her daughter are both hurting and frustrated.
A.L. Hatch // Jul 18, 2007 at 6:26 am
Hey all. Heather, I don’t think you are confrontational at all. I appreciate the perspective!
And helvella, I know my own kid acts like a total brat sometimes. I wasn’t angry with the mother. She clearly was dealing with a child who is difficult. She also told me she hoped that pre-school helped her deal with her social issues.
We had a lovely chat, but the point of this post was that I took a chance, reprimanding (however gently) someone else’s child. And how surprised I was at the mama tiger that emerged in my actions. I’m not usually like that.
Redneck Mommy // Jul 18, 2007 at 9:35 am
I applaud you. I would have done the same thing. In fact, have done so many, many times.
(I’m known as the dragon lady for a reason!!)
Nan // Jul 18, 2007 at 11:31 am
It was interesting listening in on your post, and the comments. In Trinidad, where I live, we tend to bawl out other people’s kids regularly, and no-one takes offense. It is just a different culture, where kids are expected to respect “auntie” and moms know to look out for each others’ kids.. I was nursing the baby once and my son realised that I was too tired and fed up to stop him jumping on the bed. When my friend walked in the door and gave him the LOOK, he literally froze in midair, and gently hovered to the ground and tiptoed away. We laughed! But I am so grateful when even strangers correct my kids. I am not all powerful or omnipresent, and if someone says “OY! Small man, stop running!” my kids listen. Of course, you don’t want your kids to blindly obey all adults… But I like the system!
Heather // Jul 19, 2007 at 7:13 am
Well, I certainly think you telling the other child to stop was very appropriate and called for. I think you handled it very well.
However, my heart tugs for the other mom too and I feel bad for the somewhat hard feelings against her. Because I’ve been that mom soooo many times with my oldest. I’ve tried over and over and then try some more to get him to understand the subtle social nuances of our world. Seriously, he’s almost 7 but I have to intervene with him more socially than I do his 4.5 yr old brother.
From the mother’s reaction, I would think she may be in the same situation and is doing the best she can with the child.
I’m not about to try to make any kind of on-line diagnosis or whatnot b/c I don’t know this child. I just know mine and how many times I’ve been in like situations and I dunno, I would just like people to stop and think…
What if a child like that is possibly autistic? Kids with autism don’t have a label sewn on their shirts for all to know that they have social problems. Or ADHD or other behavioral childhood disorders that aren’t obvious to outside observers. I remember when Payton was 5….gosh, it was hard. It felt like I was minding a 2 year old in public still but in a 5 year old body b/c he was/is so socially immature/behind/delayed/insert whatever you want to call it.
It’s so easy to judge the kids AND parents for what we call “bratty” behavior when we may not know what is really going on. Having Payton as a child (who, btw hasn’t been dx’d as autistic but seems to be in a gray area of it) has really opened my eyes in how I view the behavior of other kids. Because I really don’t know the whole story of the kid. And it seems as if this mom has some feeling that something isn’t quite right about her child…such a hard and awful feeling to have, I know.
But, even these kids have to learn proper social behavior and I think defending your kid and telling the other child to stop is perfectly acceptable. That mama bear does come out in us without thinking. And I think the mom just wanted you to know she really is trying with her child but seems to feel at a loss.
Ok, putting the soapbox away now! tehehe!
Tere // Jul 19, 2007 at 7:47 am
Just catching up now… Heather, good point on looking one age but maybe being a younger. I felt bad the instant I snapped at the boy, realizing that it was most likely an accident. It says more about how I sometimes just react when I should take a moment before opening my mouth!
Binky // Jul 19, 2007 at 11:07 am
If there is any etiquette book or library code of conduct that says a parent is not entitled to protect her or his child from aggressive behavior, then those guidelines need to be rewritten. But I think the way you handled it is approved by most sanctioning bodies
I am one mama bear who will say something to anyone who threatens my cub.
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