I loved being pregnant. Oh sure, I had my share of anxiety, as well as all day sickness and sciatica and some fatigue; but I loved being pregnant. I loved feeling the early fluttering as well as the alien movements of the final weeks. I loved the guess the gender game and the name game. I loved the way my body floated in the lake, and how the baby seemed to love swimming as much as I did. I loved the daily afternoon naps I took with my 2 year old on the couch. I loved when I stopped being bothered by the things people said to me, and instead, started goofing with them. And, I admit it, I also loved the nightly Dove bars.
My cousin-in-law is expecting. They were married in October and the baby is due in August. They are young and healthy and excited and scared and eager to meet the little boy that they are growing.
Last week I sorted through all of my maternity clothes. I had multiple garbage bags full of every size and for every season (I have 4 sisters and 2 sister-in-laws who had babies before me). I swear some of the stuff that was passed to me clothed my sister when her 23 year old son was but an embryo. There was some really purty stuff. As I sorted through and gathered a small bag worthy of passing on, I was brought back to clear moments in each of my pregnancies. I missed these clothes, not because they were stylish or comfortable, but because they helped me to remember.
Sometimes I look at a pregnant woman with nostalgia. Wanting to again feel those emotions. Wanting to again feel the movements. Wanting to again embrace the lovely anticipation. Wanting to again decorate a nursery. Wanting to again pack a hospital bag. Wanting to again choose a childbirth method. I remember those days with reverence.
Sometimes I look at a pregnant woman and I want to share what I’ve learned. I want to ease her anxiety and welcome her into the sisterhood. I want to take her hand and invite her to feast on the buffet of experiences I’ve had. But this is hers, this is theirs, to experience.
I remember how people offered advice and told stories and scared the bejesus out of me. I remember how it felt as though everyone had something to say. I was lucky in that I quickly developed a filter. I learned to extract what was for me and dispose of the rest. I learned who I could trust when I sought advice. I learned who to steer clear of. I learned that it was okay when I was 30 weeks to lie to the rude sales clerk and tell her that yesterday was my due date, and in fact I have been having contractions all day.
I’ve thought a bit about what to offer as advice to these parents-to-be. I am sensitive to the amount of unsolicited advice that they are being beaten with. I have a game plan. I will offer my experience with the filter and I will recommend it highly. I will open the door and invite them to ask anything in the world of me at any stage of this expedition. And then I will do my best to shut the hell up and only speak when spoken to.
Oh, and I’ll have shirts printed up with the GNMParents address, so that they, the parents-to-be, can easily come here to read your thoughts and your experiences and your advice. I’ll hope that they will surround themselves with smart, caring, thoughtful, dedicated parents that they will learn from each and every day. Like I have.
Tell me, what outrageous things have you done or wanted to do in response to someone being rude to your pregnant self?
and
What are one or two bits of advice that you can’t help but share with a pregnant couple?
[tags]pregnancy, advice, parenting [/tags]
Thanks so much to JasonUnbound for his lovely photo, used under a Creative Commons license.
10 responses so far ↓
Amy B // Apr 18, 2007 at 9:40 am
I was days away from delivering, walking around a mall with my mom. An Elderly man came up to me and asked me if I was going to “nurse.” I said yes. He replied, (I’ll never forget it for the rest of my life) “You know why you should nurse? Because the milk is always warmed up, and it comes in two lovely containers.”
Can you believe???? I just scowled and walked off while my mom cracked up. I wish I could have had a better response, but I didn’t know how to deal with rude comments.
Slouching Mom // Apr 18, 2007 at 11:13 am
How can I turn down a chance to offer advice? The one piece of parenting advice I can never resist sharing is to give your child choices whenever possible. The early years are so tough, I think largely because the todder or preschooler is balking at so many rules and regulations and also feeling helpless at not being able to control much about his or her life. So yeah, you’re the boss, but try to be a benevolent dictator.
Here’s an example. Your kid needs to have a vegetable with dinner but doesn’t want to. Why not give him or her a choice? Say, “Would you like broccoli or peas tonight?,” for example.
It’ll go a long way.
Erica // Apr 18, 2007 at 12:01 pm
Keep talking, tackle it together, parenting in the early months can be a tough old knock to even the best of marriages. It’s like a conveyor belt that starts off really fast and then gradually starts to slow down, if one person doesn’t take their place the whole lot just backs up and makes an awful mess!
Join the feed at GNMParents and don’t be frightened to ask questions to those who have (bravely?) gone before you.
Colleen // Apr 18, 2007 at 12:03 pm
Great article Megin… I tend to be one of those people that you can’t shut up when someone asks me for advice. I am always online looking for advice too. I read way too much into things sometimes.
Amy - too funny. I think I have heard that story… but it made me laugh again.
Slouching Mom - I agree. That sounds like love and logic. I use choices with my son and it really works for him. Like the other night…
Me - “Time for bed!”
DS - “No thanks!”
Me - “Do you want to go up to bed now or in 1 minute?”
DS - “1 min.”
1 min. is up and DS starts for the stairs.
Me - “do you want to go up the stairs like a slithering snak eor a hopping frog.”
- he did make it to bed without a tantrum.
My two books I get me friends when they have babies are:
Parenting with Love and Logic (Jim Faye)
Six Point Plan (John Rosemond)
- two different views on parenting - but great advice.
Thordora // Apr 18, 2007 at 1:39 pm
I’m so totally that old annoying lady now. I can’t help it.
The one thing I always pass along (ok, two)
TRY for natural birth. Natural birth was the most incredible act I have ever experienced, and so much more fulfilling than my first induced epidural hell.
BUT, if you need it, get it. Just be educated about your choices. (At this point I start raving about Ina May Gaskin usually)
And if you feel off after birth, don’t let anyone tell you it’s JUST the blues, that you should just get over it.
It might be something else. Don’t be afraid to ask your doctor.
Nothing offensive ever happened, but I’m a big scary girl.
Megin Hatch // Apr 18, 2007 at 1:41 pm
Amy- That is very funny! The comments that drove me to the brink of insanity (before I started messing with folks) were when the bank tellers or check out folks would ask when I was due, then when I told them say things like “WOW! Are you sure you aren’t having twins?” Or there was the time I was filling a plate with fruit for my older 2 kids at an anniversary party, and my husband’s relative moo-ed behind me. It was only the blood connection that prevented me from turning around and saying “I am 9 months pregnant, what’s your excuse?”
SM - Yeah, it’s counter-intuitive for me to keep my mouth shut, but I am hoping that with an open door they will ask anything they want to know. Believe me, it’s not that I’m not willing to share, it’ just that I don’t want to over step.
I totally agree with the choice thing. I just recently read the book that Colleen mentions- the L&L one, and there was a lot of it that I really loved.
Colleen- Thanks! I totally agree with the choice thing. I think it might even have been you a few months ago who introduced me to the Practical Parenting book, so thanks again!
Erica- You are right, I think a lot of couples don’t expect that pressure!
Megin Hatch // Apr 18, 2007 at 1:54 pm
Thordora-
Absolutely, know your options. And be honest with your midwife/doctor, before, during, and after. Not just your medical folks either, be honest with your support system!
Smart points.
-M
Emma // Apr 18, 2007 at 6:53 pm
Well, just last weekend (I’m just over 7 months now), someone said they didn’t even realise I was pregnant. I do wear large t-shirts rather than slinky tops to show off my belly, but still. I know she didn’t mean to be rude, but I couldn’t help thinking “do you think I’m just fat then?”
And all the questions people ask in the beginning can freak you out if you’re not sitting right on that average. At 16 weeks people were asking me if I could feel the baby, and I didn’t start feeling anything til about 24 weeks. I was starting to feel very nervous about the baby’s health until a scan at 20 weeks showed that the placenta is right at the front, which was probably cushioning the movements. The questions have kind of dried up now, so I’m just waiting until they start asking why I haven’t had that baby yet. Thinking of good comebacks, any ideas?
amydeanne // Apr 18, 2007 at 8:31 pm
Jumping in on my first read here… (not actually sure how I got here .. a link from a link I think)..
I’m so there with you Emma! I’m due June 20th, and the worst one I get “Another one??” (this is my 4th baby in 4 years).. yes, they maybe close, but that’s my choice.. and I love my kids, and am happy.. I always get asked since #3, “Well you’re getting your tubes tied aren’t you?”… I haven’t really ever answered back yet.. but it isn’t anyones business but my own and hubbies. We enjoy our children, can afford them, and we take care of them… … I get the nobody noticed either.. I’m sure they all think I just got fat from eating twinkies or something lol.
Megin Hatch // Apr 18, 2007 at 8:53 pm
Emma and amydeanne:
Congratulations! You look great!
How’ve you been feeling?
Thanks so much for jumping in.
Emma your comment reminded me that during my last pregnancy when strangers touched my belly I’d say, “now would you touch my stomach if I was simply fat?”
Oh, and in response to the “you STILL haven’t had the baby” comment:
- Yes I did.
- I decided to wait until [insert month], it’s a much nicer month to have a baby.
-What baby?
-I was just waiting for the 9 thousandth time someone said that to me. Now I’m off to give birth, thanks!
-Start lying now. Tell them that at your last appointment they changed your due date. Add a month.
- Or the more grown up response… smile and nod. I was never good at that one.
Oh, and amydeanne- WHEN did it become socially acceptable to ask a stranger- or even an acquaintance about birth control? Hello…. boundaries people! That’s right up there with sharing that you are “trying” to get pregnant… do I need that image? Okay, I am not a prude, and I will share lots of things with my friends… but strangers? or acquaintances? Thanks, but I’ll pass!
I am all for the sisterhood… but maybe there should be a secret handshake or something before we jump right into strangers touching my belly or asking me about sex and preferred methods of contraception.
Maybe I am a prude. Am I? Crap, now I am going to have to write about sex to prove I’m not a freakin’ prude.
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