Question: How does your parenting style differ from your parents? How is it the same?
My father was absent for most of my childhood; he seemed to be on a constant string of sea tours. That left my mother to raise me and my two sisters. I still marvel at the fact that she was able to handle all the ups and downs of three pre-teen girls with her sanity (somewhat) intact. Now that I have two kids of my own, I can understand the worry, the sleepless nights, and the joys of motherhood.
That said, my parenting style is markedly different from my mother’s. I tolerate more chaos than she does. She’s complained on more than one occasion about my “informality”. Mom placed a lot of emphasis on “clean house, obedient children and straight A’s.” She told me that she grew up in a permissive household (being the 3rd youngest of 12 children) and decided to take a different approach to parenting. In Asian culture, obedience and deference to your parents takes first place; their words are law. Good girls always studied, helped their parents and never got into trouble. Mom raised us with those principles, so when the teen rebellion years came, she was bewildered and angry at the changes in her daughters.
At the time, I vowed not to repeat the “mistakes” of my mother with my own children. Now I find myself incorporating some of her “parenting principles” into my own. I set rules and boundaries, I don’t tolerate reckless behavior, I teach my children to pick up after themselves and I guide them with a firm hand. Yet my style is different from hers as well: I am more indulgent, I spend more time playing with them and encouraging their interests and personalities and I don’t insist on perfect grades.
Ten years ago, I would have been appalled that “the apple doesn’t fall from the tree”. I would have said, “I will NEVER be like her (Mom).” Now I find myself becoming more like her more than I expect, as far as my parenting goes.
[tags]mother, role model, parenting styles[/tags]
Photo graciously provided by MildlyDiverting, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved
4 responses so far ↓
Megan Bayliss // May 24, 2007 at 10:26 pm
You know, when I’m talking (okay, growling) to my kids, I often have to look over my shoulder to see if my Mum’s behind me. I swear - it wasn’t me that just said that, it was my mother!! How dreadful to know that we are just like our Mums when we tried so hard to be different!
Thank goodness mine was a good one.
Finn // May 25, 2007 at 7:01 am
While there are certainly ways I don’t care to emulate my mother, I do incorporate one very important component of her parenting style: humor. It diffuses many a tense parenting situation! For me it is truly a gift.
IntheFastLane // May 25, 2007 at 8:04 am
As much as I hate to admit it…there were a lot of things that my mother did right that I have emulated without even thinking about it. These are things that are just a part of me and things that I do naturally such as encouraging my kids to love books and reading and encouraging their individual interests. I also like to expose my kids to a wide variety of experiences did my mother. Sometimes, though, this means that we are very busy, sometimes too busy for my husbands taste. But, it is what comes natural to me.
Kim (mildlydiverting) // Jul 19, 2007 at 4:40 am
I’m not yet a parent, but I do become more and more like my mother as I get older.
Last time I visited, she gave me a pamphlet she’d had called ‘Do Babies Have Worries?’ - mostly because she thought I’d like the 50s illustrations. It summed up her parenting style beautifully - for each piece of childhood behaviour it gave three possible responses - a smothering one, and distant one, and a firm but loving one that was very obviously the right way of going about things. There’s something slightly stiff upper lip about it, but I value that approach - a kind of breezy ‘ah well, never mind, pick yourself up and carry on!’ mentality.
We fought like cat and dog when I was a difficult teenager, but looking back I think she did amazingly well. She set very high standards for me, but it’s always been about doing them to better myself, not to please her. I wonder if her comfortable, adult style was to do with her being what’s affectionately referred to as an ‘elderly prima gravida’ - she was in her early 40s when I came along. I certainly learnt to hold my own in adult company quickly.
She’s a good sort, and a natural with kids. She’s going to make the most fantastic gran, one day. I’ll be proud if I do as well as her.
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