To vary from my standard column form, I decided to do a Q&A with myself this week. Specifically, I’m addressing a topic that is brought up to me in emails I have received: How does the No Punishments strategy work exactly?
Q: Does the No Punishments concept work at your house?
A: Why yes, yes it does.
Q: How?
A: You mean, how does it work? It’s rather simple, just very scary. I show my hand to the kids: I tell them, up front, that there will be no punishments, that I respect them too much to resort to punishment as a method of “behavior adjustment.” The kids see that I’m sincere (they initially tested me a time or two, but I stuck to my guns) and that gives them the inspiration to pay me back in equal respect. In other words, as a reward for not punishing them, my kids do their best to treat me with the respect that I ask for.
Q: Really? They never cross a line and do something that demands punishing?
A: Honestly, no they don’t. Sure, they’re kids, they mess up, they make mistakes, they misbehave, etc. But when that happens, the worst that they face is my pulling them aside and reminding them that punishments exist and despite the fact that they are begging for it, I won’t respond with any form of punishment. Instead, we talk it out.
Q: How do you talk it out?
A: First, whatever they did wrong, no matter how heinous, I validate the underlying emotions or reasoning. I may not agree with it, and I won’t hesitate to tell them if that’s the case, but not before validating them: “Hey, you hit your sister, you must have been really angry at her. I get that; I’ve been pretty angry myself. It’s ok to get angry every once in a while. What were you angry about…?” – This is key to getting my kids to let down their guard, to drop their defenses.
Next, after they’ve felt validated and listened to, I tell them how I see things. No judging, just, “This is what I see.” Then I ask pretty obvious questions, such as “Now that you see how I see things, do you think hitting your sister was the best possible choice?” Under average circumstances, they’ll admit that they made a poor choice.
With that in mind, I move in for the coup de gras. I suggest that they sincerely, for me, reconsider their choices the next time they get angry. I remind them that punishment could be used in such circumstances, but that I don’t believe in them, and that they are free to live their lives how they wish.
Q: Isn’t that, for you, pretty scary?
A: Oh yeah, absolutely. I’m giving them an enormous liberty, and there’s always the chance that they’ll take advantage of it. And occasionally, rarely, they do take advantage of my generosity, which requires me to press the red button on “The Big One.” This is simply, “Ok, you’ve made this choice. I now make my choice: I choose to not do your laundry. Or, I choose not to go grocery shopping. Or, I choose not to… whatever. By the time I’m finished the sentence, they automatically choose to fall prostrate before me, begging for another chance. We discuss it a bit, I test them on the genuineness of their claim of “I’ll never do it again.” If all seems kosher, everything goes back to the way it was, no hard feelings, no bad memories, just the usual, crazy, fun chaos of everyday life.
Q: And that’s it? That’s all it takes?
A: Most of the time, yeah. About 95% of the time, that’s all there is.
Q: Aha! So you *do* punish them!!
A: Well, yeah, sorta. Maybe once a year, especially when they were younger, a punishment has been laid out. Although I don’t call it a punishment. The word “punishment” implies that I have power over them. It makes me feel autocratic. I don’t like to use power as a force for change. Instead, I just follow through on my threat. If they insist on doing the uncool thing, I go on strike. Yes, it sucks for them, they like their clean clothes, they like their Hawaiian bread, they *love* their liberty to watch television after homework is done. But that’s completely within their control, so after a few hours or a day of my being on strike, they always come back to the bargaining table. So I’m not sure that I’d call it punishment; it’s more like I’m showing them what it’s like when the tables are turned; I am their mirror.
As always, please feel free to comment, and don’t hesitate to disagree with me. I’m a man of Socratic society, so ask your questions, raise your concerns, argue with me. That’s how strategies improve and parenting gets better for everybody.
by Stu Mark
[tags]kids, children, parents, parenting, behavior modification, adjustment, punishment, trust, relationships, understanding[/tags]
12 responses so far ↓
Wouter van der Hall // Oct 22, 2007 at 7:01 am
Thanks for your self driven interview Stu.
It takes courage and persistence to go your route. Most of us have triggers, either in what our parents did as parenting style (and loved or hated it) or in our own life. Punishment becomes a reaction, a defense or a last resort where we go when we don’t know what to do anymore.
It happens because we often parent as we go, one step behind what our kids do.
When we step ahead and show them where their choices may lead (if you touch the stove you may burn your hand) you show them potential consequences of choices.
“If you go out without a coat in winter you may catch a cold” or “When you save a bit of your money every week, you could buy that in … weeks. if you don’t you may not be able to”
Children have a positive itention. When you teach them to see that any action has a consequence, whether positive or not so positive for them, you don’t have to think in terms of punishment.
It becomes thinking in terms of “taking responsibility for your life”, wouldn’t you agree?
Thanks,
wouter
Wouter vander Hall is the author of The Parent Program. http://www.theparentprogram.com Giving parents the tools to be the great parent they can be, in 15 minutes a day”
InTheFastLane // Oct 22, 2007 at 6:10 pm
Do you think that this would work for smaller children too? My personal opinion is that I can give my two year old choices and sometimes the natural consequences of wearing shorts in the winter are enough to teach them they maybe they should wear pants. And to be honest, I do not punish all that much in my house. But, developmentally, talking things out with my 13 year old is different than with my 8 year old and is VERY different than with my 2 year old.
AmyL // Oct 22, 2007 at 8:17 pm
I’ve done the natural consequences approach with younger kids this way: say my 4yo wants to go outside and it’s freezing out. I ask him if he wants to wear shorts or long pants. If he says shorts, I ask if he’s checked the weather today and if he thinks he’ll be warm enough. Generally he’ll go stick his arm out a door and offer me his opinion on the subject. Sometimes he chooses shorts, other times long pants. If I really am concerned I may ask if he’d like to bring long pants along just in case. So far, boys have lived with their choices without complaining. I have on occasion snuck along an extra coat or pair of pants, just in case. But for the most part, I think he likes me respecting his opinion on the situation. Granted, I’ve screwed it up more than once and gotten into a power struggle, and chances are I’ll do that again. Lol. But I do my best, and I think we’re all better for it.
Basically that’s the long answer to yes, I think you can reason with 2yos, in the manner of asking them what they want and offering 2 choices you can live with. It’s a good exercise in critical thinking and decision making, safely framed by parental guidance, leadership, and wisdom.
We still do use consequences in this family, and I imagine some would use the word punishment to describe it. I see punishment as more of an unnatural or revenge thing. Like if a child breaks something so the parent goes and breaks a toy. That’s punishment to me. But if a child breaks something (on purpose) and has to make restitution and apologize, that’s a natural consequence. So in my estimation, there’s no punishment in this house either.
nan // Oct 23, 2007 at 5:09 am
Hmm. It seems to be “punishment vs. consequence” here. I do agree with, usually, talking it out and telling them how they are behaving: “wow, you must have felt really angry to do that to your brother! What’s up?” or this week’s “bedtime in 15 minutes, whether or not homework is done” (which has worked like a dream!)
But LIFE is not like that. My kids will not be able to stand in front of a judge when they are 25 and say “I’m sorry. I will never do it again.” In life there are laws, rules. And there are punishments.
When Max was 5 and lying constantly, I talked. I explained. I tried to understand why he would do this. I told him NOT TO LIE! Finally, he told a mean lie to get his brothers and friends into trouble. He was caught out, and sent to bed 2 hours early with bread and butter for dinner! He cried and ranted, and I felt like a wicked woman as the other kids played cards and ate burgers.
We talked again the following morning, and I laid down the law: in our family, we do not lie. Even if you have done something bad, there is no need to lie. (Max knows this rule, he has seen it in action when his brothers have come to me to talk about something they have done at school). BUT! If I catch any lies, they will be punished.
As far as I know, Max has not told a lie since. He has AlMOST, and when I raised my eyebrows he backtracked. So I feel that I did the right thing. But what would make a kid lie like that in the first place?
Stu Mark // Oct 23, 2007 at 5:33 am
Nan,
My focus is on this: The world is filled with punishment-oriented scenarios. I want to provide a home, a shelter from the storm. Certainly we educate them on punishment, explaining everything from parking tickets to jail to everything in between. They watch films and read books where punishment is a theme. But, based upon our kids efforts and achievements, we feel pretty confident that punishments are not a necessary parenting tool.
mini // Oct 23, 2007 at 11:56 am
I have four kids ages 12, 15, 17, and 20 and I have only punished one of them once (last summer). I would prefer to call it a consequence and it was only because she left me no choice after making some pretty bad choices. I have always based my parenting philosophy like you — it’s all about mutual respect – even when the kids are toddlers… punishment is a power tool that parents use on kids rather than meting out the reason for the behavior and talking through it. We’re all human, we all make mistakes and we are always learning about how we can be better. Our family has the approach that we are all in this together, it’s not about “us” against “them” . I enjoyed your post thoroughly!!!!
nan // Oct 24, 2007 at 6:42 am
Stu, I actually agree with you 100 percent, and I was sorry to punish my small son and close the door to further communication about WHY he continued to lie. But in this case, I just don’t know what else I could have done! Does anyone have any suggestions, just in case? He has many creative outlets, (I am an artist and ex-art teacher) and has one-on-one time with me almost every day. He is a great, happy, reasonable kid. Why was he making up these random, unnecesary fibs? What’s going on in there?
Stu Mark // Oct 24, 2007 at 6:54 am
Nan,
My first thought is this: Ask him yourself.
To expand, find some time, an hour or so, and take your son to his favorite relaxation place (go out for a ice cream and a walk or whatever). After some light banter, bring up the subject, using The Problem is The Problem method. Maybe he’ll feel comfortable enough, maybe he’ll trust you enough to confess.
Let me know how it goes.
mini // Oct 24, 2007 at 6:57 am
Nan,
I’m just a regular parent like the rest of us, trying to do the best we can with what we’ve got. In the story you told and just being an impartial observer, it seems like he was lying for attention. Instead of focusing on catching him in a lie, why not try complimenting him when he’s telling the truth – if it’s attention he’s after, he’ll take it either way (obviously because he was willing to break the house rule of no lying to get some) — but why not reinforce the good stuff – it may make him realize that telling the truth is way better than lying. Just an idea. Good luck.
Stu Mark // Oct 24, 2007 at 7:06 am
MiniVanDiaries,
Yeah, absolutely, I think that’s a great approach.
I’m a big fan of Ken Blanchard, who co-wrote “The One Minute Manager,” among other great management books. He said, (paraphrasing) “Catch people doing things right, and they’re apt to repeat them.”
He also said, “Praise in public, criticize in private.”
nan // Oct 24, 2007 at 7:19 am
Oh lordie, thanks Stu! I am in hysterics, cackling over those comments after I followed your link!
Okay. Okay. Will certainly try your take on this. You are right, it is a good method, and it never occurred to me to use it with the fibbing problem. Will let you know.
Mini, thanks. It is a challenge giving one on one attention to all 3 boys, and sometimes I forget how very important it is!
nan // Oct 28, 2007 at 6:50 pm
Update: Max and I had a talk this morning. We were chatting about this and that, and I asked him, “do you remember in the holidays when you told some fibs, and nearly got your brothers and friends into trouble? Now, you are such a very truthful boy, and I love that. I like knowing that we can trust each other. But I wondered if you could talk about that time?”
Max thought a while and said, “Mummy, in the holidays I was only five, and I couldn’t … I couldn’t pronounce myself very well.”
“do you mean you could not find words to explain yourself?”
We talked a long time, and basically, we realised that he was lashing out in anger in the only way he could. He could not beat them at running races or board games, and was sick of being one of the “little ones.” He was angry, and couldn’t “pronounce it”, or express himself, because he was not able to verbalise those emotions (though he is usually really good at that. Max is my most expressive child. Having something that he did not know how to say must have been especially hard for him!)… He hated the big boys condescending to him and “letting him win” (oh, the pain!), and playing with Johann (a few months younger) was sooo boring. Johann is a real baby!
He just wanted to see the bigger boys suffer.
Next year, we will have to take a little friend on vacation, for Max.
Thanks for helping me sort this one out, it has been really troubling me… For months!
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