I once had a student turn in an essay that I could tell wasn’t his. I brought formal plagiarism charges against him, but they were dropped… because his mother wrote a note.
The entire incident was frustrating, but I also had a sense that it was very, very sad. Here was a young man, away from home for the first time, who made a mistake. Rather than learning something from the whole incident, rather than becoming a better student and a more responsible person, this particular young man learned nothing.
I’d heard of helicopter parents. They’re a pop culture phenomenon, but they’re also a very real problem. In Nation of Wimps: The High Cost of Invasive Parenting, Hara Estroff Marano makes some startling arguments about the effects of parental over-involvement.
Her book is persuasive and telling. Carefully siting a vast range of research, Marano outlines the way that parenting has changed. Once, children were left to play on their own, to practically raise themselves. Now, parents are told that they are responsible for every aspect of their child’s future. Getting them into the right preschool means college success someday. Children today, Marano argues, are over-scheduled, over-stressed, and over-extended. Rather than helping our children become better adults, this invasive approach to parenting is stopping them from reaching important developmental milestones.
While the book is about childhood, the impetus for the book came from a trend that Marano noticed in college students. In the last few years, the number of college students who suffer breakdowns or are medicated for depression has grown exponentially. College aged students, she found, were becoming more and more fragile. The book traces this event back through childhood. By not allowing children to become their own people through play, through unstructured activities, through…well, being a child, we deprive them of important experiences that have a physiological effect. Our brains need those unstructured childhood experiences to lay the groundwork for dealing with the challenges of adult life.
In one of the most thought-provoking chapters, Marano suggests that research has shown that a large number of children medicated for ADHD may be better served by being allowed to play more. Rather than medication, they need recess, but schools are increasingly “teaching to the test” and reducing the amount of recess and free exploration. By no means does Marano suggest that ADAH is an effect of less playtime, but instead she claims that a percentage of those children being medicated might be treated other ways. It’s a provocative argument, in this age of “the medicated child,” but like some parts of the book, it smacks of the easy fix.
Which is not to say that the book is not well researched or supported. Marano has done her homework and relies heavily upon scientific studies to backup her suggestions. At times, that works against the readability of the book for the average parent. But a reader who makes it through the book will be rewarded. While I don’t consider myself an overly invasive involved parent, I can see that impulse to give my child the best life I can give him. In a world where it seems like every parent is doing this class or signing their child up for that team, this book helps put childhood back in perspective.
Nation of Wimps: The High Cost of Invasive Parenting. By: Hara Estroff Marano
Broadway Books, 2008
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by Lisa D.
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20 responses so far ↓
Sandie Law // Jul 29, 2008 at 5:37 pm
Great summary and review. I think there has to be a balance between freedom and involvement. I know what my son does at school every day, how he is doing with his homework, and who his friends are because I ask.
On the other hand, we haven’t overbooked him with structured activities. He goes to an art class at the local art museum every Saturday (each class is three weeks long and the next one starts in September). I think we may sign him up for karate pretty soon.
He’s not in t-ball, soccer, swimming, etc. He spends hours playing in his room by himself (he’s an only child) and loves it. His imagination is his most used and most fun toy.
I firmly believe in allowing kids to be kids. However, I also believe in parents being involved in their children’s lives. It’s a balancing act…as is most of life.
inthefastlane // Jul 29, 2008 at 8:14 pm
It is a balance. And it also takes knowing your kids and knowing that some are “needier” than others. But, we do have to let them grow up sometime and take some responsibility for themselves.
Karen // Jul 30, 2008 at 1:28 pm
Is this “getting into the right preschool” thing for real? I’ve been hearing about it for years, but always from people who are talking about *other* people. Are there really parents who sweat about this kind of thing?
STL Mom // Jul 30, 2008 at 3:32 pm
Karen -
If you live in a community where lots of kids go to private schools, “getting into the right preschool” can be an issue for some people. If you are trying to get your child accepted into a school that tests and/or interviews 4- and 5-year-olds, then you want your kid to be prepared, and you want the head of your preschool to be “connected” with the “right” elementary schools.
It’s crazy, but unfortunately it’s real. I’m happy to now live in a town with good public schools and be away from all that.
Anita B // Jul 30, 2008 at 8:05 pm
Hooray for the author for pointing out the obvious. I’ve become really tired of parents covering up their kids’ mistakes and making this a nation of people who are so sensitive! I’m not allowed to use red ink to correct my students’ papers because it might give them a bad image of themselves! That’s a load of crap! Let them know what they did wrong and how to deal with it. That’s the only way we’re going to turn this country around!
Karen // Jul 31, 2008 at 6:56 am
Ahhh…I see. Thanks, STL mom. I find I (and my family!) avoid much unpleasantness just by living in rural western Massachusetts.
Meg // Jul 31, 2008 at 8:51 am
Ah, Karen! Where abouts? We love N. Hampton and have friends in Holyoke, too. When we were moving we debated between western MA and ME.
I love following the discussion here.
There is a severe lack of personal responsibility today, and it seems to be growing even stronger. Kids need help and guidance and love and respect to develop a healthy sense of responsibility.
I believe.
Karen // Jul 31, 2008 at 12:55 pm
I’m in North Adams, in the extreme northwest corner of Massachusetts. I could ride my bike to Vermont easily, and to New York State if I had a really, really strong motivation. I guess I should have said “small-town western Massachusetts.” I like Northampton, too, but we rarely go to that part of the state.
kimberly // Jul 31, 2008 at 5:47 pm
I’m a teacher. About the ADHD/recess connection. There is a difference between a child who truely has ADHD and kids who are bored and need more time to move around. There is actual measurable differences in the brain and brain chemistry. That said -
Two years ago, our new at the time principal doubled the amount of recess each class has each day.
The schedule for both recess and specials (PE, Art, Music, and Technology) is setup so that each grade has both a morning and afternoon break.
Most of the teachers agree that the new schedule seems to refresh the students and help them focus during class.
I do wonder how some of our kids are ever going to cope independently. We have parents who come to feed their Kinder/1st graders every. single. lunch.
I don’t mean showing up to bring them lunch. I mean putting the food in their mouths. Needless to say these are the most whiny and needy kids in their grade levels.
The parents were warned for weeks they wouldn’t be allowed in the building during state tests (5 days between Feb and April) - because it is the LAW. Still two families pitched complete and total fits in the office and had to be threatened with the cops before they left.
Mary // Jul 31, 2008 at 6:03 pm
I’m so glad I can say that I am not a helicopter parent. In fact, I see my role as a parent as that of teaching my children the skills they need to take care of themselves after they move out.
For instance, my daughter and son both started doing their own laundry around age 13. And if they got lazy, they wore dirty clothes. It taught them to pay attention and do what needed doing.
Not to say that I’ve never stepped in or that love and affection aren’t huge parts of parenting, but love and affection won’t change a flat tire or cook a meal. Overall, my kids (now late teens) are independent, responsible, fun kids. I’ve been lucky not to have the trouble with them that I hear about “typical teens.” Gee. Wonder why.
Stu Mark // Jul 31, 2008 at 6:06 pm
We’re hippie parents - we let the kids make their own decisions most of the time. We certainly monitor them and talk to them if they are doing something that we’re not crazy about, but we go real easy on the rules and, instead, explain the pros and cons of the situation and tell them that the final decision is theirs - most of the time. Occasionally we say no, but I’ve discovered that as they get older, they need to be told ‘no’ less and less.
I’m not sayin’ our method is right, just that it’s our method.
I agree that parental responsibility seems to be on the wane, and I’d love for their to be a federal budget adjustment to move money from bombs to schools and parent-support vehicles. “Dream a little dream…”
cay // Jul 31, 2008 at 8:11 pm
I’m the result of helicopter parenting. I am on anxiety medications due to crippling perfectionism, and still feel as though I need to call and ask for permission to see my friends when I’m (3 hours!!!) away at college. If I am not constantly told that I am doing something correctly or well, I regard myself as a total failure and resort to self-harm. I am seeing psychotherapists who are assuring me that I’m making progress… I am seeking treatments to make me infertile, as this way of life cannot be continued or passed on. DON’T DO THIS TO YOUR CHILDREN- cuts heal and insults make one stronger.
Lisa D. // Jul 31, 2008 at 10:54 pm
Wow- thanks for all of the comments- I can tell this one really hit a nerve.
I totally agree that there needs to be a balance- it’s a hard thing to achieve, though, when every “expert” is telling you what your child needs now-or-you-will-ruin-his-life-forever!
It’s one of the reasons I really admired this book. On one hand, it seems a bit too simple in some ways (recess= no more ADHD!), but in another sense I do wonder how many children who are medicated really don’t need to be.
But putting food in a 1st grader’s mouth?! Why does the school administration even allow them to come in??
kimberly // Aug 1, 2008 at 8:34 am
Lisa,
The current admin has done what they can to cut down on the parental interference and turn it to support. We are a public school and by state law have to allow parents access to the school and observe classes.
I teach technology. Only 40% of our kids have access to computers at home.
The first year we had the class. Parents were complaining I was mean and refused to help their kids. That I kept telling the kids to just keep trying.
Our AP insisted they come and observe my class. At the time I had 28 kids 25 computers. Most of the kids had never touched a mouse. The kids of helicopter parents were terrified to try to do anything. I was zipping around the room in a rolling chair behind them, helping some get the feel of the movement, encouraging everyone to try that they wouldn’t break the machines.
As a result, the parents went from hating the program to being huge supporters. Those same kids were writing and filming their own movies last year. They even did some of the editing.
nanaan // Aug 3, 2008 at 5:50 pm
“had a student turn in an essay that I could tell wasn’t his. I brought formal plagiarism charges against him…”
Jesus, what kind of douche bag are you? Just give the kid an F and tell him to rewrite it.
You’re article is about how hardass parents are being with their kids, and here you are being a true hard ass about a stupid essay. sheesh.
You’re probably one of those people that makes police reports for walking on your lawn.
Anita B // Aug 3, 2008 at 6:29 pm
In the interest of being respectful to ALL in this forum, nanaan, you have no idea what the situation was behind her bringing formal charges against him. Maybe this wasn’t the first time and maybe it was necessary. Some kids need the extra discipline and some kids need just a warning.
Lisa D. // Aug 4, 2008 at 6:27 am
Nanaan-
It’s not that simple. According to my University’s student code–the one I’m bound to, legally, as an employee–I can’t penalize a student for plagiarism through grading unless I also go through the sanctioned university process for allowing the student to prove s/he did NOT plagiarize. See- the Nation of Wimps ISNT about parents being hardasses with their kids–it’s that they’re NOT– that they’re taking responsibility for their children’s mistakes instead of letting children LEARN from those mistakes by dealing with consequences. And it’s not just a “stupid” essay. I teach at a University–and a degree from a University is a legal document. It proves that the holder has earned the right to be a BA, MA, PHD, whatever–as an instructor those “stupid essays” are the way that I deem whether a student has fulfilled the requirements for my course. In a writing course, especially, one should write their own essays. To do less, is [legal term, once again] academic dishonesty, and according to the University Student Code–the one students agree to abide by–that is grounds for possible dismissal. But students have a right to appeal those decisions–to be assumed innocent until proven guilty–so that they’re protected from vindictive instructors who may misunderstand or who may not have the student’s best interests in mind. So no- I don’t call the police every time someone walks across my lawn, but I’m an educator and when someone disrespects the course I teach and the very process of learning by turning in work that is not their own, I do not hesitate to make them feel the consequences of their actions. It’s my job– and it’s my responsibility to ANYONE who has a degree. After all, if degrees can be purchased and they don’t actually require effort or intelligence to attain, then NO ONE’s degree is worth anything.
breezie // Aug 10, 2008 at 8:52 pm
hello,
i guess you could say im a young teen at the age of 14 =] reading this little bit of insight of the book it sounds entresting. from what i got i agree with it. on the topic of a.d.h.d. and a.d.d. i think there are defently other ways of help those childern and teens out. i think the same about a lot of the childern and teens who are dinost(spelling?) with depression, i do not think that they should be given pills, i think thats when the parent should step in and TALK with there child. no matter how hard becase there should be a trust between the family. because even in my house hold talking is a dificulty. most childern do not like opening up or talking to there parents because they are afraid, yes afraid wether its from being judged or ridiculed. you see those parents who want a “perfect” child and always say “you can do better” arnt always helping i understand that its awayof encragment but when you tell you child that over and over it makes them feel like they arnt doing good and that they just cant impress you and it turns into a “game”, if you will, of trying then being told not good enough. this then leads the child to start hiding things from there parents like fer exp: a esay that is due next week insted of telling there mom about it and having the mom read over it telling them how wrong it is they do it on there own. and correct me if im wrong but mothers want whats best fer there child so they want them to turn in there best work, so they check the paper befor the child turns it in, but truly your hurting the kid because they want to be able to do there own work and get there own grade not what there mom helped them to get because children like the sence of independece. If you give the child there space and dont always look over there sholder they will come to you and if they need help they will ask of if they want to know what you think of there esay they will ask. Well this is how i see thing and when i talk to my friends wether in class of hanging out. um im sorry for spelling errors and puncuation. i hope you guys see it from my point of view a 14 year old’s =]
have a nice day, remember life isnt that bad if you just take a breath and close your eyes for a min. stay positive.
sencerly,
a 14yr. old with bad spelling, breezie
a mom // Aug 15, 2008 at 6:55 pm
I really appreciate this article. My kids actually have to stay for detention when they get in trouble, they get a zero when they don’t turn in work on time, they do laundry, care for pets, cook meals, clean the kitchen, oh and they got spankings and survived. They are 11-18 and everyone of them can leave for school with a lunch packed (since 1st grade, they actually made their own). They can completely care for themselves. They also have whatever freedom they earn that is age appropriate. I am encouraging them to check out different parts of the country on real estate sites to see where they may live someday. Too many parents want to keep them attached. I like the fact that my kids choose to hang out with me, but are ok without me too.
I want them to go off and enjoy life as an adventure, not be crippled by ‘I need mommy syndrome’. No I wasn’t raised this way. I had to move far away from a controlling parent to raise these guys better. Let your kids lose a game, get beat up by tougher kid, make wrong decisions, fall of their bikes, pay for their own lost library book, figure out a fight with a friend without your help, date the wrong person, get cheated in deal, and learn that all actions have consequences…and not all bad consequences are the end of the world. Don’t overprotect. We all survived child hood.
Anita B // Aug 16, 2008 at 7:44 am
Thank you, a mom, I actually had to deal with the same thing growing up and am now living 1000 miles away from my family. When my husband and I got married, he decided to go to seminary and we moved over 2000 miles away from my family. No one talked to us for 9 months-until a week before we had to leave. My mom ruined that time that we could have been getting closer and used it to attack me. And when she saw that we were still leaving, she caved. I am hoping I can be the kind of mom you are striving to be. Thanks so much.
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