This parenting thing is hard. Some days I feel as if I am on the verge of having a good old fashioned melt down, just like my three-year-old does when we try to put shoes and socks on his precious, tender feet. With three kids I feel like it can never be smooth sailing with all three at the same time. Some days I am dealing with a teenager trying to grow up too soon, a nine-year-old who argues every detail and a three-year-old who is a joy one moment and a screaming terror the next. Because of the large age gap between each of my children, I have remarked on several occasions that it is almost like we am raising three only children who all think they are the boss. Last night, I told to my husband that I just could not deal with any more drama that day.
But, as parents, we keep on dealing. And as parents, who are trying to do the best job we can, we keep on striving to do better. Part of my striving forward, recently included having a long conversation with my fourteen year old daughter. It was one of “those” talks, about raging hormones, and the struggle to remain in control of our bodies and not let the hormones take over. During the conversation, Violet brought up the idea of trust and of us trusting her. And I had to tell her that I make a distinction between trusting her and still worrying because I know how tough some of the temptations are. Parental trust and parental worry are really two different things. I may trust that she knows what the right things and I may trust that we have given her a firm foundation, but I will not stop worrying, because I know how easy it is to make choices that are in opposition to what we know we “should” do.
My Mom and my Grandma, have told me frequently that the worrying for our children never ends. Even when our children are finally grown and have children of their own, there is still something to worry about because we still love them and want the very best for them. But, all the worrying in the world will not change reality. And so, we can only do what we can, even if this includes talks about hormones and sex that your fourteen year old may not really want to have because she already “knows” this. As our children grow we are left with only the foundation that we have built for them and then we have to slowly let them start out on their own, a little bit at a time.
As I explained to my daughter, parents spend a lot of time worrying. There are so many things to worry about: Why is my three-year-old still getting up and trying to sleep in our bed during the night? Are my nine-year-old’s one minute showers actually getting him clean even though his hair still looks dry? How much freedom do I give my fourteen year old who is chaffing for more? With all these worries, it is little wonder that sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball and cry my worries away. It is little wonder that when I could not get Jack Jack to agree to put on anything except underwear for church on a 20 degree day and he wiggled and fought against any clothes going onto his little body, that I wanted to have a melt down right along with him. It is little wonder that on a day when I felt like I was dealing with issues from all three kids, constantly, that I reached a point where I felt like I just could not deal with any more. Thank goodness bedtime was approaching. And soon the kids were asleep, and the only thing I had left were the worries that still remained.
As a counselor, I often work with kids whose worries seem overwhelming. I often help them to create a list of all their worries and we talk about the items on their list that they can control and those that they can’t. And I try to get them to focus on the items that they can do something about. And the others? The are various strategies I counsel the kids to use to deal with the worries that they can do nothing about. I have a “worry box” that they can deposit slips of paper with their worries written down. I have them pick a specific time to worry. Some kids like to journal, or draw. Some kids just like to talk, to their friends, or to me. But, as an adult? What do I do with all my worries? Some of my strategies are more effective than others, blogging helps, when it is something I can blog about but yelling does not. What do you do with your worries? How do you keep yourself from having a melt down under all the pressures that parents feel?
8 responses so far ↓
Stu Mark // Nov 26, 2008 at 1:15 pm
First, I hear ya, I feel ya. Parenting can be heartrending, especially if your love for your children is profound. When things go sour, it’s a pain unlike any other.
Second, as a person who grew up in a less-than-desired environment, I feel that my first obligation is to my kids’ mental health. While it’s fine for me to be unhappy if they play basketball inside the house, I can’t let the daddy-monster out, no matter what. So if I find myself losing control or about to have a meltdown, I remove myself from the situation. I either leave the house or lock myself in my room until I can get my self together.
RC Rambles... // Nov 26, 2008 at 2:26 pm
Little Dude decided he wanted nothing to do with me this morning, after he and I had a rough evening last night.
This seriously hurts me. And the mom-thing kind-of stinks at these moments, because I know I needed to be the “bad guy,” last night in order to guide him in his future behavior. I hate to be the bad guy – I would much rather be the fun mom.
But, that isn’t our job.
So as I read your post, just know that I’m there – wanting to have a meltdown with you, and sometimes you just need to take some time to cry, on your own, over this role and your worries and struggles. Know that you can’t change everything, but acknowledge that your concerns exist, and make the mental list similar to the lists you have the kids you counsel make. Address what you can, and work on accepting the worries you can’t change.
Blogging does help, I know, as I usually find I’m not alone, and this morning, I chatted, via IM, with one of my bloggy buddies, regarding our respective toddlers, after seeing something on one of her posts. I found this helped a lot, because I really realized I am not alone in these battles.
Do I still feel bad and worried, yes, but at the same time, I know I’m doing what I need to do to be the mom I want to be, and to make him the young man I hope he will grow to be. We will get through the tough times.
(And maybe, just maybe, I’ll be able to get a non-work “mommy-break” over Thanksgiving weekend, so I can recharge my batteries…)
Emily R // Nov 26, 2008 at 6:59 pm
Sometimes we count to 10 together to clm us both down. Every now and the it works.
Kristen // Nov 26, 2008 at 10:38 pm
Terrific post, boy can I relate.
I hope you have an amazing Thanksgiving.
Laura from the Fringe // Nov 27, 2008 at 6:18 am
It sure can be stressful. I be sure to take time for me. I have started a new exercise program and I am getting out every night – right when I feel like I am going to loose it! Some days I walk, some I am running and others I am taking a boot camp or playing soccer. It all helps.
I also really enjy the blogging and scrapbooking.
And heck, the other day, I was on the verge of loosing it and I made sure the girlie was napping and set the boys up with the computer and tv – then snuck away for a hot bath…it was short, but much needed and perfect for a pick me up!!!! I had never done anything like that before!
Debbie Blicher // Nov 27, 2008 at 6:54 pm
I think it was Abraham Lincoln said, “Parenting drives you to your knees because there is nowhere else to go.” I find prayer helps with worry. At times like you describe–and I am having one of them this weekend–I will do an ancient Jewish hand-washing ritual and simply say “Guide me, ’cause I have no clue.” In other words, I acknowledge that I can’t have control over everything. Much as I want to. Following that admission, I can often figure out what small pieces are actually reasonable for me to try to control.
I so want to melt down. My husband’s working all weekend, and I’m exhausted recovering from pneumonia, and the kids behaved today as though they ought to be in a zoo. Can’t wait for tomorrow…..
laku davies // Nov 29, 2008 at 6:21 am
I hear you all about the feeling of a meltdown. I unfortunately am a single parent of two wonderful but at times trying toddlers. It’s really hard not having someone to pass the buck onto or simply share your worries with. i have friends, yes who are usually more than willing to listen, but at times, it really feels am so alone. I have to be the bad guy more than i want to be, and at times I do wonder if I’m doing a good job. all these worries go around my head everyday, and yet I still have to pick myself up and go earn a living for us.
So I learn to take each moment as it comes, when i need to cry (oh boy do I cry). And most of the time hearing my daughter tells me she loves me so much for combing her hair, tying her shoe laces, giving her a much longed for sweety. It all makes it worthwhile and I carry on till the next meltdown.
Keep keeping on peeps.
LuckyMe // Nov 30, 2008 at 9:59 pm
“Parenting is a life sentence” is a quote I’ll never forget. I’m just realizing I will never stop worrying.
I have had some serious meltdowns but the best parenting has come during the bigger crises when we just held our tongues and let the teenager wonder what punishment was in store. Luckily my husband and I agree on most discipline issues. Besides discussing things with my husband, I commiserate with my sister whose children are of similar ages.
Sometimes we do want to just stop fighting and give in, especially with teens who try to wear us down. It’s more important than ever to be firm and stand your ground. They will respect you for it. I have noticed when my sister gets into too much of a discussion with her girls, they see that as her being unsure of herself. They play parents against each other a lot, something my boys never did. My husband is especially firm so they first come to me and I defer to him and they give up the fight quickly.
I tend to tell them every bad story I hear so that they will understand why I am so concerned and strict.
Too much trust and freedom is exactly where a lot of problems begin.
Good luck. Stay strong and you’ll never look back. You’ll know you did your job well as long as it’s done with boundless love (which can also be tough!)
Leave a Comment