I fell for my husband as a 20 year old college student. It started as a crush and morphed into a friendship. We sat in cafes. We wrote poetry. We listened to the Indigo Girls and Neil Young and Tom Waits. We explored our city and we fell in love.
We announced our engagement a few months after graduation and my family panicked. Four older sisters planned and plotted to sway me. Letters came and phone calls, too. I was the cradled baby of the family, unfit to make such a commitment. Despite their efforts we wore simple matching white gold wedding bands to signify our engagement and we started planning our wedding. We were a little different. We were a little young. We were a little poor.
Two years later we were married in a near perfect ceremony in a near perfect town on Cape Cod. It was a near perfect day in September exactly seven months before we buried my near perfect father.
I forgive my sisters. They were right to be afraid. Our Wedding Day Love could not have sustained that first year of marriage, let alone a lifetime. We changed almost immediately. My father’s death sent me spinning and my partner couldn’t stop it. I didn’t know how to be a 25 year-old fatherless wife. Rob didn’t know how to be a 26 year-old partner to a grieving half-orphan. We spun and we spun and when it slowed down we found that we’d grown together.
Over 12 years of marriage we’ve had other moments. Moments that shook our routine and pointed us in a different direction. From our first born to an unexpected job loss, from a surprise pregnancy to another surprise pregnancy to moving 4 times in one year to settling in a state too far from my family. The strength of us came from these moments and a pocketful of others. Since we exchanged vows we’ve learned a little bit about how to love and a little bit about how to fight. We’ve learned a little bit about letting go and a little bit about holding on. Tight.
It’s not just about chance and it’s not just about circumstance and it’s not just about luck. It’s not just about ownership and it’s not just about flexibility and it’s not just about awareness. It’s about waking up after you’ve been dozing and deciding to live more consciously. It’s about trying to be better. Which is different at 35 than it was at 22 or will be at 48. Thank God.
by Megin Hatch
[tags]marriage, love, relationships, support, death, unemployment, commitment[/tags]
Photo graciously provided by atelier_D200, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved
9 responses so far ↓
Ginger // Jan 30, 2008 at 6:49 am
wow, I love this, Megan — thanks for writing. So many of us know just what you mean; my own marriage lasted just over 12 years but it is a deep friendship now that I believe saved my ex’s life… I love the openness of your blog today. I write like that too. Sometimes I feel my life is an online blog! Check it out if you like at http://skirt.com/blog/1390. I think you will like “I Believe.”
Thanks again for this absolutely beautiful post. — Ginger
Whitney // Jan 30, 2008 at 7:19 am
This is a great post. I knew Matt and I would be okay because even before we were married, my sister had a car accident that left her with a traumatic brain injury, and Matt was there being supportive the whole time, even fling up from the chaos that is Med school to spend some time with me and my family. My dad died about a year before we were married, and I am ever so glad my dad knew Matt and said “He’s the best thing you’ve dragged home so far.” Matt was terrific through that, too.
Knowing that someone will be there for your through the very worst of times counts for so much. It gives you perspective when things are good, and it buoys you when things are bad. It builds a fundamental trust, and I think it’s part of the glue that holds couples together.
You never want to have bad things happen, or to test people you love, but you learn a lot about someone and their character when things get tough. And the most important part of a marriage is remembering why you fell in love, and keeping that alive (babysitters are not a luxury- they are a necessity). Life can grind anyone down to a nub- but the ability to screw up and still be loved, in spite of it all- that’s magic.
InTheFastLane // Jan 30, 2008 at 9:16 am
It is the tough times that often make or break a relationship. The Mr. and I have been married for coming up on 10 and we can sure have our battles. But, we know we are in it for the long haul. It sounds like your foundation is sure.
Megin Hatch // Jan 30, 2008 at 3:46 pm
Thanks everyone. I’ve been very nostalgic lately.
I do think you learn a lot from the tough times- but the shining times leave their mark as well, and might help you to simply head in a different direction- ie- birth of a baby, a new job, “marks” of your children’s growth etc.
So I think regardless of good or bad you’re together, and when you come out on the opposite side you are different.
A.L. Hatch // Jan 30, 2008 at 8:31 pm
“My father’s death sent me spinning and my partner couldn’t stop it. I didn’t know how to be a 25 year-old fatherless wife. Rob didn’t know how to be a 26 year-old partner to a grieving half-orphan. We spun and we spun and when it slowed down we found that we’d grown together.”
I know this, too.
This post is honest and beautiful. You should write more.
Sammi // Jan 31, 2008 at 8:30 am
Thank you, your words just might have saved my marriage. I’ve been in a really bad place this week….trying to figure out how to make it all work.
I just stumbled across your blog this morning while looking for crafts for my tot.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Blessed be. Have a beautiful day.
Megin Hatch // Feb 4, 2008 at 11:34 am
Sammi-
I’m just writing about what I’ve been thinking about. Best of luck and thanks sincerely for coming by and for taking the time to let us know that you were here.
Thank you. I don’t pretend to know what I’m talking about
-Megin
Jenny // Feb 25, 2008 at 10:39 am
Hi. I want to thank you for submitting your post to the Mommy Blog Carnival. It’ll be included in the next edition!
Julia Rosien // Mar 2, 2008 at 8:39 am
Thanks for submitting a great article to the March 2008 Mom’s Blogging Carnival. You can see your story and all the others at:
http://www.gogirlfriend.com/reviews/moms-blogging-carnival-2-7760
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