I’m not sure if it’s a statistical anomaly or not, but both my siblings, as well as myself, chose to be full-time parents. We all came from the same parents and we all had the opportunity to have careers outside the home. Yet all three of us made decisions, massively large in scope, to stay home and raise our children full-time, to set our paying careers on the back burner.
Why?
Yeah, I’m not sure either. We’re all certainly good at it, and we all enjoy it, but what brought us each to this independent decision? Really, I have no idea. But it was knockin’ around the old noodle the other day, and while I gave it the due course it deserved, I let the rest of brain think its little thoughts and this popped into my head: Why is it that I sense disapproval from other people when they find out I chose to be a full-time stay-at-home dad? I mean, not everyone, and a fair amount of women do give me a genuinely supportive or approving look when they hear of my career choice. But a handful of women and a lot of men give me that . Like I might as well have suggested that I was a professional criminal or something.
In addition to this, it also occurs to me that even amongst the women I meet who are full-time moms, a lot of them treat me oddly, and I suspect it’s because I’m a man. I can’t confirm this, as most folks aren’t very forthcoming if you probe too deep. But I get this odd vibe, like either I’m stepping uninvited into holy territory, or that if I’m a man and I chose to be a full-time dad, that I must be weird in the head and therefore, am not to be trusted.
I may be paranoid, but maybe I’m not. Please, give me your take on this.
by Stu Mark
[tags]parents, parenting, SAHM, SAHD, stay-at-home, mom, dad, choice, reaction, concepts, acceptance, society[/tags]
Photo graciously provided by B, K & G, through a Creative Commons license, some rights reserved
7 responses so far ↓
InTheFastLane // Feb 18, 2008 at 7:10 am
I think you are probably not paranoid. There are probably some people who are suspicious of your choice. But, it sounds to me if you and your siblings are made from very nurturing stuff.
Among my friends we have a mix of SAHMs, teachers, part time -working moms and we all seem to respect each other’s decisions. BUT, we have no SAHDs. And to be honest, most of the men I know would have a hard time with it. Not, that they couldn’t do it, but at leat here in the midwest, the culture is that the man brings home the bacon and then the woman can make a “choice.”
Anytime you go against the prevailing culture you are bound to have people who can’t quite understand. But, I think each family needs to make the best choice for them.
A.L. Hatch // Feb 18, 2008 at 7:22 am
I think you are right. No matter how “enlightened” people believe they are, a deep cultural belief that men should work and women should care for children continues to exist.
I also think our hysterical media culture has demonized men who love children, as if all men are child molesters waiting to happen.
I personally do not feel that way. We considered having my husband stay home with the girl, but he was deeply committed to the social-justice aspect of his work at the time, and we both felt that him working and me staying home met all of our emotional and financial needs.
I think you are doing the right thing, for what it’s worth.
AmyL // Feb 18, 2008 at 10:37 am
I think we should do what we’re good at and feel called towards. It makes so much sense to be loving what we do; improves the whole world in the process.
InTheFastLane is right: here in the midWest US, it’s uncommon for a man to choose to stay home. I personally applaud any family who has the courage and wisdom to do what’s best for them regardless of outside pressure.
I don’t understand people needing to be disapproving of something just because it’s a different choice than theirs (assuming, of course, that we’re remaining inside the realm of legal choices here).
Amberlynn // Feb 18, 2008 at 2:38 pm
I doubt you’re really paranoid. There are certainly men and women who would find the idea of a full-time-at-home father strange and wrong. But there are also people who give me the same looks as a stay at home mother. They used to ask me things like “when are you going back to work.”
Imagine their shock when I tell them my husband and I BOTH stay home!
swill // Feb 18, 2008 at 3:07 pm
You’re not paranoid. As a SAHD, I definitely notice that same vibe.
I ignore them. I just let them talk on their phones, read the paper, talk to other moms (or nanny’s) and generally ignore their kids…while I have a good old time playing on the jungle gym, building sand castles and kicking the ball with my daughter.
Figure at some point the irony of the situation might sink in.
Robinesk // Feb 24, 2008 at 10:46 pm
You can’t ignore the true difference between men and women when it comes to dealing with children. The problem I have with stay-at-home dads is a result of my own debate I have with my husband about who works harder. I really can’t imagine a stay home dad whose wife comes home from work and plops down on the couch while the father makes dinner, cleans up, baths the children, puts them to bed and then cleans up the house. My husband thinks that’s normal behavior. So, if I give you a strange look don’t take it personally. You just make me look bad because you probably get a lot of help from your wife so you feel that your job is easy.
Stu Mark // Feb 25, 2008 at 8:34 am
Robinesk,
Thank you, you’ve given me fodder for my next column. But for you, a sneak peak:
No, I don’t get a lot of help from my wife. She works 60 hours a week for a major Fortune 500 company, so when she gets home, all I want her to do is rest. Occasionally she’ll get on my case about this, as I tend to take tasks out of her hands, but I’ve learned to back off and let her help out. But on the whole, I do the majority of the housework and the parenting. The reason I feel that my job is easier is because I love my job, in a huge way, and my wife and kids are a true joy to work for. They are appreciative and supportive and loving, unlike the folks who work for my wife. So there’s no question, I have the easier job. Yes, my job is nigh-24 hours a day, even if some of that time is me being on standby. Yes, I’m not thrilled with certain aspects of my job, like the laundry (my fifteen year-old soccer-playing son has invented a new smell for his clothes that defy science), but I get through all that because we love each other, and that love is substantive and deep.
Can’t wait for my next column! Thanks Robinesk!!!
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